Pensacola, FL — Ichthyologists doing research on the behavior of fish in the gulf region, just off the coast of northern Florida, have been perplexed for months by the apparent mood changes of many vertebrates in the area.
“We’ve seen fish change behavior based on environmental factors, predator stressers, and the like, but we haven’t seen anything quite like this before,” says scientist Joseph Blaylock. “Entire schools of fish swimming slowly, with no apparent direction, some were even documented as having ‘sad faces,’ so we’re conducting more research to find out what might be causing this.”
A few factors that might make a fish to look “sad,” or frown, are big sharks in the area, getting hooked by a fishing line, losing Nemo, or watching your best friend turn from a mermaid to a human and leave forever.
Marine biologists have been brought in to study the sounds heard amongst some of the fish in the gulf. Primarily studying the fish who appear downcast, communication between them has an eary similarity to a minor key in music.
Progress took a leap forward yesterday when a stack of paper was found floating near a school of mopey mullet. It was nearly tossed aside until some of the writing caught the eye of a few biologists on the research boat. The spelling was very, very poor, but was in English, much to the delight of all on board. The note was written by Yerlstey the Mullet, Jr., and can be summarized by extreme disappointment that they have yet to turn into humans. Pages two and three mentioned all the fun they see humans doing, from jet-skiing to parasailing, kayaking, boating, using arms and legs, talking, laughing, hugging, snorkeling, breathing air, all things fish in the area cannot do.
The last page, page four, ends with an honest question: “Can’t we at least get to lizard status? Having little legs and feet would be a real game-changer for us.”
Although the sentiment of the underwater dwellers tugged on the hearts of those who heard the plea, there’s ultimately nothing these scientists can do. In a handwritten note addressed to Yerlstey the Mullet, Jr. and friends, a response:
“We’re sorry you are still fish. The process of evolution takes millions of years, so those reading or hearing this note won’t be turning into humans during your lifetime, but on the bright side, a lot of humans are becoming vegan. This means they won’t eat you or your family.”
Scientists weren’t exactly sure this was the right angle to take with the fish, but blamed their years of schooling and lack of social interaction on however their note might have sounded.
-Out of the Wilderness News