I was emailing with a friend- a girl- I hadn’t talked to in a while and asked if we could get together to catch up in person. She asked if “brunch” on Saturday worked for me. Well, first of all, I don’t think straight guys do “brunch.” Actually, I don’t know if curved guys do, either. Anyway, I told her asking to meet for “brunch” was like me asking to meet up for some hoops. I’d be up for breakfast. Or lunch. But not a combination of the two, ain’t nobody got time for that!
My dogs eat breakfast anywhere from 4am to 6am. After they eat, I let them outside for a few minutes to “take care of business,” and they usually rush out the door guns blazing. And by guns blazing I mean, honkin’ loud barks and howls as if an army of rabbits and squirrels just infiltrated the perimeter. I wonder what my neighbors think but honestly, I don’t want to know. I’m hoping they have government-issued soundproof windows. I’ve now assigned a new duty to myself, and it’s actually my beagle’s duty. Dootee? Dodee? Doo-doo? Yes, my dogs drop bombs and I pick ‘em up. I didn’t used to worry about it, you know, it’s fertilizer. But ever since Piper (3-yr old beagle) was a puppy, she’s gobbled up poop like a Dyson. Like a tapeworm? Like a contestant on “The Biggest Loser” before they compete? Like Si Robertson at a donut shop? So now I walk the yard, baggy in hand, scanning, scanning, ding-ding-ding!, bogey at 2 O’Clock. Hey, if I don’t scoop ‘em up, Piper will. Asia (1-yr old beagle/blue heeler mix) doesn’t seem concerned with eating the same thing twice. And it’s odd, but in my recent study of the situation, I don’t think Piper strays from her own poop. Geez, she’s eating poop and she still has some sort of criteria?? Makes me wonder what I’m missing, but more importantly, how many times I let her lick my face without asking where that tongue has been.
Out of the Wilderness
Have you ever noticed when you’re in the market to buy a car, let’s say a Lamborghini Egoista, you see more and more Egoistas on the road? It may just be that you’re becoming more aware of the Egoistas out there or… something much, much bigger.
…written for all the conspiracy theorists out there.
-Out of the Wilderness
Yes, that’s the last line from the bridge of “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men, one of my favorite songs right now. Is it just me or are there a ton of songs on radio lately that feature guy/girl duo’s or duets? A quick look at iTunes and the top listing is “Just Give Me A Reason” by Pink featuring Nate Ruess (from Fun.) and I work in country music so I notice bands like Thompson Square, The Band Perry, Lady Antebellum, and from Lady Antebellum, Hillary Scott has been featured as a duet partner on a few pop songs lately, too. But more what I’m getting at is the back and forth type of song, the guy sings a line, the girl sings a line, on and on. The first one I remember hearing and still listen to when it plays on my iPod, “I Got A Man” by Positive K (which is a whole other story in itself because the rapper Positive K, a guy, also did the female voice on the song, crazy right?). The biggest hit over the last year or so was Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used To Know” which featured Kimbra for the female verses. But anyway, this isn’t about coed duets, it’s about a dream I had a few days ago.
I was outside and Ronald Reagan was there. American flags were flying all around. I was balling my eyes out in the dream. When I woke up, my eyes were full of tears. It was weird. I wish in my little talks with God he would just give me a reason why dreams like this happen. Because Ronald Reagan isn’t even somebody that I used to know, but when asked who or what was in my dream, I’d have to say… I got a man!
“Are you gonna take me home tonight?
Down beside that red firelight?
Are you gonna let it all hang out?”
On the couch watching the season finale of “The Bachelor: Sean Lowe,” I think to myself how glad I am that I never applied to be on the show (though admittedly, I’ve considered applying before). It’s not so much that the formula doesn’t work, because there are success stories. I just know generally how it would go because of my track record and the show’s. You see, all the failed relationships I’ve been in have only one thing in common… me! It’s the harsh truth. So even if I were to make it on “The Bachelor” or as a contestant on “The Bachelorette,” it would ultimately end in a break-up. From the last girl I dated in Florida to the Asian I didn’t speak to in Harrah’s Casino last weekend, no relationship has progressed as far as it could have. But hey, I’m cool with that because things are different than they were in Florida because of stuff like this. And the Harrah’s girl, well, her memory will just serve as fuel to the fire the next time I want to act but hesitate.
So back to “The Bachelor,” at this point in the finale, we don’t know if Sean proposes to Lindsay (who wants marriage more than she wants Sean) or Catherine (who wants Sean more than she wants marriage), but one thing’s for sure… fat-bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go round.
“The slate will soon be clean
I’ll erase the memories
To start again with somebody new
Was it all wasted, all that love?”
-Lindsay or Catherine??? (and Queen, legally)
“Are either of you Tiffany?”
That was a question my buddy asked two girls sitting together at a table in Nashville’s Corner Pub. The good news, they were cute. The bad news, neither of them were Tiffany. So we grabbed a table and a couple of small cups of soda, sipped, and waited. This was my friend’s first time meeting Tiffany face to face, their relationship up to this point was strictly over the phone.
He and I were hanging out earlier that evening when he got a text from the Tiffany that she and her roommate were going downtown, so he invited me to come along with him to meet them. And since most of my nights (all of them) consist of conversations with my two dogs and a replay of Monday night’s Bachelor episode, I jumped at the chance to get out in the real world.
We drove to this certain area people go to in Nashville (they call it the Gulch), and made our way over to this place where a bunch of hip people were all together (Bar Louie in… the Gulch). I kept thinking, “So this is where people who aren’t like me go on Friday and Saturday nights…” There were no tables available so my buddy was ready to leave. I was insistent that we stop for a second and stare. All these people. They had trendy coats. They were smiling and laughing. One guy had a baseball cap on and it worked. Two girls were alone at a table and seemed content with that. Servers hustling. TV’s were bright with guys skating on ice (hockey). It was a sight to behold. My dogs would’ve loved this.
We eventually ended up at the Corner Pub. Unfortunately, we didn’t know the best part of our night already happened. Remember when I said my buddy and I were hanging out earlier? We met up to watch “Life of Pi” in 3D (my review here). Maybe we should’ve called it a night after that because it was slightly downhill from there and that includes finally finding Tiffany, who was not in… the Gulch.
So we’re sitting at the table waiting to meet the elusive Tiff. Her location unbeknownst to those who wanted to beknownst. Minutes later a text comes in. My friend shovels off to find her. Seconds pass. Then minutes. Minutes turn into a quarter hour and I begin to wonder if this is some elaborate set up for fun at my expense? Was an ex-girlfriend going to appear with a camera crew in tow? Was a waiter going to tell me the table has been rising for the last hour and I never even noticed!? How embarrassing. Was the table rising?
My friend returned and so did my sanity. He had found Tiffany. He had found Tiffany to be underwhelming. He had found Tiffany to be underwhelming and sitting with a group of friends. None of which were her roommate. Some of which were guys. He hugged her hello, chatted, and said goodbye. Then he and I spent the next 45 minutes coming up with reasons we should talk to the two non-Tiffany girls from the beginning of this story.
Alas, at the end of the night, I was at home with my two favorite girls. Neither of which were Tiffany…