Biden To Grow Leg Hair Out For “No Shave November”

Greenville, DE — Touted as a “man of the people,” Joe Biden aims to show he has not lost touch with Americans by participating in “No Shave November,” an on-going effort to raise awareness of and funds for cancer research. Typically men participating in fundraiser forego shaving their face, however Biden is reportedly going to focus on his legs.

I got hairy legs that turned … blonde in the sun. And the kids used to come up and reach into the pool and rub my leg down so it was straight and watch the hair come back up again.

Joe Biden
(not Joe Biden’s legs) Photo by Kaique Rocha on Pexels.com

By putting a halt on manscaping for the entire month, Biden is hoping for three things:

  • This will demonstrate how relatable he is
  • Raise awareness for cancer research
  • That someone will rub his hairy legs again

Although his legs haven’t been a main topic on the campaign trail, Joe’s willingness to let the hair grow out is clear evidence he would be a great President who will restore the soul of America. To this point, Joe recently said, “I’m running as a hairy-legged Democrat but I will govern as a hairy-legged American president. Come, touch, find out for yourself just how hairy they are. Then watch the hair come back up. See you at the pool!”

Joe Biden Exercises with

“Basement to 5k” Plan

OTW News

The Biden campaign team has asked supporters who come out to rub Joe’s legs to wear masks, stay 6 feet apart, and limit touching to between the knee and ankle because Joe is ticklish on his thighs and feet. Photos are allowed and those posting to social media can use the hashtag #HairyLegzForPrez.

-OTW News

The perfect walk with my dogs… until this happened :(

I walked my dogs the other day around our normal route. It’s a bit over a mile looping through my neighborhood. We were really huffing it and I was proud of them! I kind of used dinner as a motivation… “Ready to eat?” is the go-to question and they both know exactly what it means. I ask this especially when they get stuck on sniffing one blade of grass for 5 minutes.

They were real champs though. What normally takes a bit over 30 minutes was about to happen in under 25 minutes!! We break records here in Nashville. I guess they were really looking forward to dinner, huh?

We were about a minute from the house, which I could see in the distance. Then it happened. Well, I should say earlier it happened… someone tossed out a half eaten candy bar! Who DOES that? So, of course, my beagle (who’s really a nose with a dog attached to it) found it and inhaled everything. I quickly shoved my hand in her mouth so she wouldn’t eat the wrapper along with the chocolate and barely avoided her sharp teeth and firm bite! I pulled out the wrapper, which seemed to just slowly slither out of her mouth as she fully disagreed with what I was doing.

At this point my hand is covered with dog slobber and wet chocolate. Lovely.

The idea of making it home in record time was still possible, but it wouldn’t be under 25 minutes. It was 26 minutes. That lazy person throwing out their chocolate bar ruined everything!!

OK, not really. We still had a good walk even though it ended with some drama. I mean, have you ever had to simultaneously keep two dogs away from human food, while one of them is doing everything she can to eat everything she can? It can be wild, I tell ya!

-Out of the Wilderness

Joe Biden Exercises With “Basement to 5k” Plan

Greenville, DE — Similar to the popular exercise program “Couch to 5K,” designed to help couch potatoes achieve in about 9 weeks the ability to run a 5K, Joe Biden is exercising with the “Basement to 5K” plan. The plan is simple, says a source close to the former Vice President:

Joe is in the golden years of his life so we just want to keep his body from total atrophy. This ‘Basement to 5K’ thing seems to be working but we have no idea what we’ll do, or how long Joe will last, if he actually wins the election.

Anonymous

This mention of ‘the golden years’ is referring to the time in a person’s life after retirement when they typically slow down and have fewer responsibilities, fitting for Biden who has meals and meds delivered to his bedside while other politicians campaign on his behalf. Biden’s team believes the basement of his sprawling Delaware home is the safest place for the Presidential nominee to avoid contact with anyone showing coronavirus symptoms, or anyone asking difficult questions like, “How is your run for Senate going?” or “Can you tell us more about Corn Pop?”

His physical trainers say what gives Joe a pep in his step is the reward of sniffing the hair of head trainer Richard Simmons if he can catch him.

The “Basement to 5K” plan is a win/win for Joe. In the present, it keeps his nearly 80-year old body from completely shutting down and in the future, he’ll be comfortable being outside for just a few minutes each day in any Federal prison to which he is sent.

-OTW News

Nominee For Vice President Encourages All Supporters To Buy Identical Converse Sneakers

Oakland, CA — While the Democrat nominee for President has been having small gatherings with cardboard cutouts, the nominee for Vice President made a splash on social media, campaigning across the country in a sporty pair of black and white Converse All Stars. Commonly known as Chuck Taylors, or Chucks, the shoes worn by the VP nominee were chosen very much on purpose.

[check out a new post: Joe Biden Exercises With “Basement to 5k” Plan]

Photo by Aidan Carney on Pexels.com

“These shoes are easy to find at a good price, and I want that for our followers– excuse me, for all Americans,” said the Democrat from California, following up by encouraging Democrats to pick up a pair to wear on election day, November 3rd.

“Matching outfits is important to demonstrate unity,” an official post on Twitter explains. “We are in this together as our party is propelled to victory like a comet shooting through the sky.” The potential Vice President also shared that November 3rd will be the day Democrats evolve to a level above Republicans.

A published list of required supplies for any Democrats hosting a watch party on election day are as follows:

  • low top black and white Converse.
  • applesauce or pudding.
  • beds for everyone to lay on at the same time.

Converse was made aware of the peculiar event and released a statement: “This has nothing to do with Converse.” They are hoping to curb any association with the Democrat plans, citing negative publicity may result in the shoe company having to retire this particular model for decades.

-OTW News

Joe Biden Hosts Grassroots Event with Room Full of Cardboard Cutouts

Cleveland, OH — After the last debate Joe Biden went right back to campaigning in key battleground states. Among the stops was a “grassroots” fundraiser in Cleveland, Ohio. Due to low turnout, a source confirming not one real person showed up, Biden campaign organizers hurriedly set up cardboard cutouts of likely Democrat voters.

[Nominee For Vice President Encourages All Supporters To Buy Identical Converse Sneakers]

Biden seemed completely unaware as he fielded questions, bumped elbows, and sniffed the hair of cutouts all around the room.

“These people here are exactly why I’m running for President,” Biden said in a statement to one reporter. “I want to be a leader they can trust. Where do I go now?” Biden’s handlers then shuffled him off to brush his teeth and put his pajamas on because it was just after 4 P.M.

-OTW News