12 signs you’re ready for a beach vacation

nicole2
Nicole Kidman

You’re so pale. How pale? Even Nicole Kidman said you need some color.

That guy in your office is looking more and more like a coconut every day.

You sprinkle salt in your Speedo to remind yourself what chafing feels like.

Hit the beach before Trump puts a wall around it to keep you out!

Hit the beach before Bernie Sanders gives it away to people who are less beachy.

Hit the beach before Hillary says “beach rights are human rights!” and kicks you off for walking all over it.

At the beach, you might, you might, be able to have a few minutes without hearing something about the 2016 election.

This.

Your name is not Chuck Noland. Or Wilson.

chucknoland
Tom Hanks as Chuck Noland in Cast Away. Wilson the volleyball is there, too.

You’re eagerly anticipating the premiere of The Bachelorette just to see which tropical beaches they make-out on.

Your tan clearly ends just above your elbow, or just above your knee.

You’ve been taping Kroger’s entirely-too-long receipts together to make a beach towel.

Check out more signs here!

-Out of the Wilderness

 

 

 

20 reasons I was single in my 20s, plus a few more

During my senior year of high school, I started compiling a list of things I’d love to have in a mate. The list started with broad characteristics that were must-haves. Things like Christian, patient, good listener, thoughtful. Had the list stopped there, that would’ve been great. It’s smart to have some sort of criteria when seeking a friend for the end of the world. More specifically, a best friend to spend the rest of my life with. But the list didn’t end there. It went on. And on. And on. A total of 45 things I wrote down that defined who it was I was looking for. No prob. No prob? Yeah right… no wonder I’ve been single for so long!

I don’t think there’s ever been a woman on earth that could measure up to that list.

I might as well have created her from a computer, like these guys did. But Kelly LeBrock aside, this “perfect girl” isn’t out there. A girl I was dating years ago surmised that (and this is as we were breaking up) I’m looking for someone just like me. Mostly because of how and when it was presented, I became defensive. But she was right. Now comparing her comments to the list from high school, I’m about to blow your mind, so make sure you’re sitting down for this.

The list isn’t who I was looking for, the list is who I wanted to be.

Booya. Mic drop. You’ve been served. Insert any other overused phrase here. Even as I sit here typing I’m looking at this decades-old list and it’s blowing my mind. All these things I wrote down are either characteristics I already have, or ones I’m striving towards. If there were a girl out there that had all these qualities, I don’t think I’d fall in love with her. I think I’d be super jealous of her!

Then it makes sense that what I’m looking for in a mate now, now that I’m in my 30s and so much wiser and so much more mature, are much less specific. Less specific and not about me!

I look forward to finding this person. That is, if God’s ideas for me include a woman that can put up with a guy who made a list in high school of 45 things about her that’s really about him but at least he didn’t try to make her on a computer but maybe that was only because he didn’t know how because he was more into playing sports than computer programming.

-Out of the Wilderness

Bahaha and other things that mean funny

BAHAHAI don’t claim to know everything about social media, Internet or text lingo. In fact, I’m always pretty far behind the curve. Like, you’ve probably been saying bahaha for years. I get it. I typically go with a simple haha. I never lol. Doesn’t seem to fit my style. Now and then I’ll throw in a muahaha but only after saying something villainish. I live in Nashville. Maybe I should say muahahaw? Sounds more Nashvillainish. Here’s a guide to my definitions of laughing through your device:

Ha = I heard what you said. I know you probably thought it was funny. It really wasn’t.
Haha = could mean funny or interesting.
Hahaha = truly funny.
Hahahaha = unable to stop laughing, can’t top what you said.
Hahapow = someone laughing in Chicago, followed by a gunshot, obviously.
Bahaha = unexpectedly funny comment.
Bahahaw = unexpectly funny comment from someone in the south.
Bahaho = unexpected laughing at what a guy said.
Lol = laughing on the inside, hardly ever literal.
Hehe = more than a ha, less than a haha.
Heehee = hidden laughter, as if a prank has just been confessed.
Hee Haw = classic TV show from the 70s.

If you have other lingo you’ve used or made up, feel free to share!

-Out of the Wilderness

Why Greg Holden was the perfect ending to this week, and the perfect beginning to next

The past 9 days will be etched into my memory for a long time. Last Saturday finding out someone I once knew in Tallahassee passed away (my post about that here), and all the sadness that goes along with that, which changed the way I listened to a new song I’d heard only a few weeks earlier, by Greg Holden, “Hold On Tight.” The lyrics are about not taking life for granted. So this week I kayaked. I made new friends. I danced. I worked. I wrestled with my dogs. I called my family, instead of just texting. I went to a play. Then tonight, Sunday, I went downtown to see Greg Holden’s show. He played “Hold On Tight,” and it was the perfect ending to this week. The perfect beginning to the next thousand weeks.
GH1GH2

Life: Laughing together like people in Japan probably do

Laughing.

We all do it. Babies. Old folks. Democrats. Republicans. AP English teachers. Criminals. People in the smallest town in the US to people in the largest city in Japan.

ms smilingWhen God created us, he included something that makes life so much more enjoyable. The sense of humor. And it’s pretty cool that there are different types. Something I find funny isn’t the same as what you think’s funny. Sense of humor can be seen in all areas of life; from TV ads like this one…
…to funerals where someone giving the most heartfelt eulogy can pepper in a bit of humor that works perfectly, even in the midst of heartbreaking loss.

I’ve been thinking some this week about this thing called humor. How it fits into my life. If you know me at all, it’s needless to say I value it very much. I absolutely love making someone laugh with a timely thought, an odd look, or a movie quote. And I equally love when someone can make me laugh. There’s more to it, though, and this is what I’ve been wrestling with the past few days.

When do I use humor to keep people from knowing the deeper things in my heart?

I think there are times I don’t like to admit that I’ve used humor as a way for you to like me. Sort of a social resume. It’s especially true when I first meet people. Humor is a way to say, “Hey, I’m a fun person!” I hand over a piece of paper with a few topical one-liners, a personal quip about my dogs, an impression of Jimmie Fallon doing an impression of Donal Trump.

“Let’s build a waalllllll.”

But hey, I’ve already built a wall! Yes, perfect segue. I can comfortably hide behind this wall to keep from revealing the other things I value. Deep conversations. Complete trust. Working hard and not cutting corners. No one wants to talk about those things in social scenarios, right? So a wall’s constructed, beautified, updated with the most current news or movie quotes, all in an attempt to:

  1. Get you to like me
  2. Keep me from being vulnerable which could lead to rejection

This weekend, though, I’ve longed for that vulnerability. I feel it most alive, or most exposed, when I have conversations with long-time friends, those handful of people that’ve climbed over the wall to experience the deeper parts of my personality. Beyond the humor I sometimes hide behind.

So to my long-time friends, thank you for letting me be vulnerable. To new friends, please like me! I hope one day soon we can let our guards down. To laugh together like people in Japan probably do, but also trust each other like long-time friends do.

-BW
ms smiling 2