A Few Things About Nashvillians

You volunteer to take your friend to the airport because you’re their friend and the gas around there is usually about 10 cents cheaper than anywhere else.

You don’t know if Franklin is a suburb of Nashville, or it’s own city.

While driving through the intersection of Edmonson Pike and Nolensville Road, you wonder which corner is actually Nipper’s.

You’re afraid to leave your car unprotected while you watch a movie at 100 Oaks Theater.

You’ve used the pedestrian bridge in downtown Nashville as your personal workout facility.

Listening to 107.5 on your way to work, you smile just a little when you hear “…it’s definitely not a Nashville party” in Miley Cyrus’ song.

You’re tired of Interstate 440 being “closed” on the weekends.

You work in Franklin, live in Hermitage, shop in Green Hills, leave East Nashville before nightfall, and have seen the ferris wheel at Carnival Kia in Antioch.

You think that driving 4 hours to IKEA in Atlanta is worthwhile.

In the Fall of 2009 you wished for snow. In February 2010, you regretted it.

Because of the heavy heavy snow in early 2010, your car is still somewhere on interstate 65, abandoned. With a green sticker on it.

Your snow sled was a piece of cardboard.

You will drive faster through a yellow light if the intersection doesn’t have traffic cameras.

You’ve seen more people turn left from the center lane than you can count.

When people ask you if the Pancake Pantry is good, you admit you’ve never been there.

Isn’t Vanderbilt in Nashville? Then why so many UT fans here? And why is UT the highlighted team on the local sports channel?

You’ve been to The Stadium Inn on the weekend for USWO Wrestling. Yes!

You skip the Tennessee State Fair but go to the Wilson County Fair, because let’s face it, it’s better.

You don’t like hockey, but you have friends that do.

You don’t have a boat, but you have friends that do.

You aren’t from here, and neither are your friends.

They Call Him Flipper

In California, St. Teresa, or the East coast of Viet Nam, it really doesn’t matter, I love the beach! There’s an exciting and mysterious attraction to the ocean, the sand and all the creatures in the deep. Here in middle Tennessee, many folks will offer up a lake as an acceptable alternative, but to that I’ll shout, “Exhibit A!” Here’s the Exhibit A: when’s the last time there was breaking news about a lake creature found thousands of feet deep? Exhibit B: when have you seen photos of exotic locations on the coast of Tennessee? Never! Exhibit B Attachment 1: Tennessee doesn’t have a coast. Exhibit B Attachment 2: even if Tennessee had a coast, you’d have to drive through legions of University of Tennessee fans, with their car flags and door magnets just to get there. Slam #1: I can think of fifteen things I rather do than talk about the University of Tennessee. And ten more rather than the SEC! (that was Slam #2)

The beach is a much happier thought, and much more mysterious, thus Exhibit C: ocean explorers are finding new species every few months. Side Note 1: the funny thing is the species have been there all along, we just haven’t been able to get to where they are. As technology advances, so does discovery. Segue 1: Personal discovery.

I go fishing in the Gulf of Mexico a couple of times a year with my dad. Honestly, I only enjoy the actual fishing part of it when I catch fish. Most of what I enjoy is the unknown. Boating two hours away from the shore will put you right in the middle of the wild. I’ve seen sea turtles, sharks, manta rays, man-o-wars, manatees, crocodiles, and my all-time favorite… porpoises. Side note 2: Growing up in the states united in the East compelled me to fall in love with three things: seafood, the sun, and the Miami Dolphins.

Segue 2: the Miami Dolphins were named after the mammal in which I intend to elaborate on. Dolphins are very similar to porpoises and I’m not going to school you on the differences. In North Florida, we called them porpoises. Proposal 1: In all I’ve seen of ocean life, these creatures are the only ones that choose fun. On a large ocean liner, they’ll swim speedily at the bow. Behind a large troller they’ll dart in and out of the wake. Or off in the distance, they’ll jump high into a flip. Years ago I had the rare privilege of watching a porpoise swim upside down underneath a small watercraft I was on. It was amazing, amazing! I still remember the color of the belly and how excited I was to witness this.


Look at a porpoise in the face and you’ll swear they’re smiling.

Proposal 2: It’s as if all the other creatures of the sea act out of survival instinct, while the porpoise looks for ways to be happy. Analogy 1: Sea creatures are like the cart rides at Disney World. They turn a little to the left and right, but they’re locked on a track to go one direction. Instinct is the big honkin’ metal bar underneath the cart that keeps it on track. The carts, or fish, are slave to it. The porpoise? The porpoise is a Volkswagon Beatle named Herbie. They are free to go anywhere and do anything, and sometimes, they even go bananas! That was Corny Reference 1. But it’s true. Porpoises have instinct, but no metal bar. I like to think that they’re aware of our happiness with them and that’s why they jump out of the water, swim upside down underneath our boats, and help Sandy and Bud catch a group of criminals… because we like them and they like us.