That time I was sucker punched in the face

Have you ever been walking down the hall of your college dorm, and someone you barely saw out of the corner of your eye sucker punches you?

punch

All this fighting between the alt-left antifa and the alt-right white supremacists got me to thinking about the scuffles I’ve been in over the years. All one of them. Not including the wrestling between my brother and I where I clearly won every time (don’t verify this with him, please!), I was in one real fight in a dorm hallway on the campus of Florida State University. But I wasn’t in college just yet. I was on school grounds for a week-long baseball camp along with my brother and my cousin. We were probably, I don’t know, between 10 and 13 years old at the time. The three of us were bunked up together in one of the dorms and this is where the altercation happened.

There were a bunch of macho dudes in the hallway of this particular dorm (in other words, other kids that were attending the camp that week), and somehow a fight broke out. Maybe one kid said their girlfriend was prettier than Kelly Kapowski and got raging mad when someone said she looked more like Screech, who knows, right? tumblr_n4uketGwGz1rn2pfqo1_500

My cousin jumped in to help defend one of the guys and hey, he’s not going to go in alone, so I joined to help my cousin because, ya know, family.

Soon after I got involved, I felt a strong blow to my facial area and found out later this punk kid who was standing off to the side decided to punch me even though he wasn’t even part of what was going on. What a punk!

The next moments are a blur but I remember there was someone on the ground, and I was kicking him. But when word came that one of the coaches was on his way to the brawl, my brother and cousin grabbed me as everyone scrambled back to their rooms.

No one got in trouble as far as I know, and no one really spoke of it the rest of the week. I guess when you get a bunch of knucklehead teenagers together playing sports, and all that blossoming testosterone, something like that is bound to happen? I’m just glad no one found out because getting in trouble there is one thing, but then having to explain to your parents why you were kicked out of baseball camp is a whole different ball game.

PS. I also caught pink eye and peed in a dorm room trash can. What a week! Did I even play baseball that week, I don’t remember.

-Out of the Wilderness

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Ben Wilder vs. Nick Shell: A Facebook Battle of Backhanded Compliments and Popular Recipes

Ok, forget about the recipes. If you know me, you know I don’t cook, and if you know Nick, sorry. This is a Facebook wall-to-wall conversation with Nick Shell of Scenic Route Snapshots. For chronological order, start at the bottom and read upwards. PS. it’s all in good fun, and proof that even though we are busy people, we do have a little too much free time.

 

 Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: I read your Tweet. Twice in the same day? That’s too bad you had to learn the hard way, as an adult. From now on, just remember to do a little research first by asking around and looking for context clues before asking when the baby’s due. Too bad it was your boss at work and also the preacher’s wife that you said that to. Good luck on that.

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: Nick, I’m sure I’m the last person you want to hear from right now. I didn’t know the cops were going to take action immediately after I called you in as a stalker. Honestly, I thought you and I could’ve worked it out privately, but last night when I caught you staring in my window–again–I had to call the authorities. I hope you understand (given the circumstances) that lunch on Wednesday is off.
Britney Grayson likes this.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: You know, I have to admit, I’ve never heard of a guy selling Mary Kay, but if anyone could pull it off, it’s you. Just think, you do enough Mary Kay parties and you can have that pink Hummer in about 7 years. But I know that’s cool with you anyway since pink is your favorite color- because you constantly write about it on your website. I’m like, “I get it, I get it”, you like pink.

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: No, don’t stop writing him letters! Just because he’s going to get the final rose tonight doesn’t mean you have to discontinue writing to Roberto. He’d probably appreciate maintaining your friendship. Just my two cents.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: That is a pretty good deal- that you bought a year’s worth of tanning bed visits and got a month’s worth of visits for a friend as a bonus. What a generous offer, but I think I’m gonna have to pass on the free month of tanning, this time around.

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: So how much have you made from your “nashville just got flooded and I’m going to sell shirts about it” t-shirts?
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Nick Shell: Just $20 from the shirt you bought from me.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: I must admit, you’re the first person I’ve ever known to buy a sidecar for your motorcycle. I’m just surprised you bought it so you could ride in it while I drive the bike. And yes, I saw the pictures you tweeted of the t-shirts you had made for us when we go driving tomorrow. The one for me that says “The Boss” and the one for you that says “Santa’s Little Helper”. And you said your t-shirt is Bedazzled?

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: I didn’t know it mattered. Sorry. Next time I’ll walk with you to the men’s room. Usually girls go to the bathroom in groups, sorry.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: Thanks for the tip! I did what you said. Good news: I was able to get your Taylor Swift lunch box autographed for you. Bad news: I sold it on Ebay for profit. Good news: I used some of the money to buy you a plane ticket to “crash” at The Bachelor Pad. And yes, I made sure, both Wes and The Weatherman are going to be there.

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: Hey sorry I missed your call last night. And no I couldn’t get her autgraph for you. Try commenting on her myspace page, I think its myspace.com/taylorswift.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: What can I say? Of course I feel honored that you so highly live by the teachings of my writings- in particular: “How to Wear Pink, If You’re a Guy”. I just think for your own safety, though, it’s not the best idea to go around ripping off the shirts of guys you see wearing pink with khaki pants, declaring, “You’ve been Nicked!”
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Pam Price Williams: You boys are funny, and I’m glad I know you…both of you!
David Stanley: I think we have a new saying…how many people have you “Nicked” today?
Nick Shell: I think we should incorporate “Bunny Bucks” into the system somehow.
David Stanley: for every 2 people you “Nick”, you earn 1 bunny buck.

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: Nick, I can’t make it to your instructional seminar tonight. Actually I didn’t even know you had a “Crochete Certificate for Instructors.” Makes sense though, because your crocheted scarf patterns last year were the talk of the retirement community. Glad your sharing your skills now. I’ll be at the Hard Rock tonight.
Flood Benefit feat. Creed | Hard Rock Cafe | Rock | Nashville Scene
www.nashvillescene.com

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: That’s a good question. I’m not really sure what all it takes to get licensed to drive an ice cream truck. I mean, officially, at least. I know you’ve been practicing the last couple of weeks just for fun, but, yeah, I don’t know. Good question. Good luck with that, though.

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: Did you win your eBay bid? If you end up winning, congrats! I know much you’ve always wanted Bob Saget’s autograph. Now once you get Uncle Jesse’s you’ll finally have autographs for the whole cast of Full House. Awesome.
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Nick Shell: Hey… Cut, it, out!.. How rude!

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: I would never have said “it’s as easy as taking candy from a baby” if I would have known you would make it a game to see how much candy you could literally take from babies (mainly in grocery stores and church picnics) then brag about it in your blog. Wait… do you have any Three Musketeers in your stash?

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: Nick, I know. You don’t have to explain it in detail, and actually I’d prefer it if you didn’t. But use the cream the doctor gave you. That’ll dry up the rash.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: Well, I know, but just because it’s something you do in the “Internet world and not the real world”, you can still actually be arrested for it. I agree, acting like you were from England to get people to send you money through their hotmail accounts may have been an easy way to make a few easy bucks, but it’s still actually illegal. Don’t worry though, I won’t say anything about it to anyone.

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: you’re kidding me right? If you’re telling the truth, I think it’s kinda cool you used to be a choreographer. Do a lot of people know this video is a dance you choreographed? 00:58-1:00 the dancers in the background definitely look like your work.
Arsenio Hall Show – Color Me Badd – All For Love (1992 Live)
www.youtube.com
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Nick Shell: Yes, it’s true. I’m that talented. The most impressive part of this: I turned eleven years old in 1992.
Ben Wilder: You were Justin Bieber before Justin Bieber was cool.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: I’m really interested to learn more about how you ended up teaching yourself to spay and neuter animals while you were in college. You kinda left things vague where you mentioned it under “info” on your facebook profile. Like was it part of an elective course or just a hobby?

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: I am a Droid.
I find Nick Shell’s pocket and hide there.
Every time he hears “droooiiiiiid” he says, “what? where!?”
Because the noise was either me in the front pocket,
or in his underwear, a droid droplet.
Droid.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: No, not really. I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily “wrong” or even illegal to marry your 2nd cousin. You might even be able to keep that part a secret since you both have different last names. But like you said, maybe it’s just a crush.

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: That’s hilarious! I thought you would’ve got Slater, but the quiz said you have a Screech personality? Wow. Do you think they’re right?

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: Hey thanks for returning my hair clippers so quickly- you know, the ones you borrowed last week… Though I’m a little confused why they’re all jammed up and smell funny now. That never happened before when I used them to cut my hair…

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: Did you ever catch the train? Ohh, did you mean you were buying a training bra? I thought you said you were buying a train ticket. Sorry.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: I’m no specialist, but I would say that eventually your 8 year-old nephew will grow out of his bedwetting stage. But it may help if you… oh, I mean… if he doesn’t drink as much soda pop while playing Dungeons and Dragons after dinner. That’s really the best advice I can give you. Oh… I mean him.

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: you WOULD join “Team Jacob”. Come on, Nick. This whole time you had me believing you were siding with Edward.
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Rhonda Walsh Hendricks: I knew it. Traitor.
Ben Wilder: You had us all fooled, didn’t you, Nick? If that’s even your real name.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: So look, I appreciate you dropping off the box of Amway cleaning products at my house. They were indeed successful in getting out the stains in my carpet which you made in your demonstration, though I’m still not quite sure what that brown stuff was in that jar your poured out. Nonetheless, I’m gonna pass on becoming an Amway sales rep with you. Sorry, but good luck on that. Maybe you should use your facebook status update to try and recruit more Amway salespeople. No?

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: Hey Nick!! Dude, I can’t believe I found you on Facebook. Last February I randomly saw your name scribbled in a bathroom stall at the Unclaimed Baggage Center in Scottsboro, Alabama so I wrote a note to myself to try to find you on here. Four months later, I found the square of toilet paper in my jeans pocket and remembered to look for you! Gosh, man, what have you been up to all these years???

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: Well I must say again it was really wonderful having your parents visit church this past Sunday. And no matter what funny looks your mom thinks she may have received, we are very accepting, no matter how a person comes dressed. Though I will say, it may be the first time a woman has ever worn combat boots to our church.

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: Nick, I need to send you a private message about something. I’m pretty upset about it. Remember that poem you submitted a few years ago to the “Nashville Has Poets and Knows Its!” competition? Did they ever find out you plagerized? I had no idea till this morning when I read the lyrics to Red, Red Wine (by UB40) and low and behold, the verses are the same as your poem. Not cool, man. You shouldn’t have submitted a poem anyway, it was for elementary-age kids. But I’ll send you a private message about all this.
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Nick Shell: No, they never found out it was “plagerized”. But they did find out it was plagiarized.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: I feel kinda awkward about bringing this up, but my niece is starting to ask me where her DVD is. You know the one- Hannah Montana: The Movie. Are you finished burning it to your collection yet? If not, I might be able to delay, but just for a few more days. Also, I hate to be a nag, but… do the words “Justin Bieber” mean anything to you? Yeah, you’ve had that CD for a while now. I need to return that to the public library. Overdue fees are adding up…

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: well, that’s why she called the book Pride AND Prejudice, because Elizabeth struggled with prejudice and Darcy struggled with pride. So they both had to work through their issues before a relationship could work. It’s funny what you said about Mr. Collins though, how if you were a girl, you would have been a cougar on the hunt for him.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: I kinda feel bad about my initial reaction. The truth is, I’m really happy for you. It’s just that I’ve never known anyone that has done the whole mail order bride thing from Russia. Really though, it’s cool. Have you and Henka set a date for the wedding? P.S. Does she speak any English?
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Britney Grayson: ummm I am a hysterically laughing member of your studio audience! These things crack me up!!!
Jennifer Moore: I agree with Britney! …totally just laughed out loud!!

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: got your message. Can’t make it out to the “Lecture On Skid Marks: On The Road and On Your Undies” today but have fun. I hope there’s no scratch & sniff exhibits there.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: So I read Chris N.’s Twitter about your trip to Orlando last week. You two were college roommates? Why didn’t you say something sooner?! Anyway, that’s cool that you finally got to check out his favorite “guilty pleasure” Mexican restaurant that he mentioned on the show. And… Congrats on getting to try out for the next season of The Bachelorette. I hope they pick you! Maybe you can be “Rated G”?

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: I can’t believe you went through with it! When you said,”I want to be a man, I want to be a man for that woman,” I didn’t know that meant you were getting a tattoo on your lower back! Can’t wait to see it!
Joe Hendricks likes this.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: So listen, I won’t be able to make it to the Captain Planet party you’re hosting tomorrow night at your house. I wish I could see you dressed up in costume. If anyone can pull off a blue mullet, red underwear, and an exposed midriff, it’s definitely you. I’m really impressed how you take “going green” to a whole other level!

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: hey, I have an answer for your question. Turns out IBS medicine is supposed to be taken orally, not rubbing it into your skin. Hopefully this problem clears up for you soon, though.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: So look, the pink My Lil Pony bedspread you ordered is actually only available in purple right now. Is that okay? Or is that too masculine? Anyway, just me me know…
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Joe Hendricks likes this.
Ben Wilder: I’m more upset at Joe than Nick. How could you like this Joe, how could you?
Joe Hendricks: It brought back memories of me beating up My lil pony’s with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But, I know how you feel…. My sister wanted the pink…. purple sucks.

 

Ben Wilder > Nick Shell: I saw you filling up your “green” car with gas at BP. Not cool, Nick, not cool.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: Oh man, I heard what happened. That must have been so embarrassing. I’m of course referring to when you showed up to host the dinner theatre show “The Merlot Murders” and you learned halfway through from an audience member that you had dog droid all over your pants. Ouch.

 

Nick Shell > Ben Wilder: Your face is a Droid.
View Feedback (1)
Ben Wilder: I’m gonna droid in a bag, light it on fire, and put it by your front door around 7pm. Cool?

Volume 1: Sharing A House With Dog.

This morning I woke up to a dog staring at me. Or maybe I woke up because a dog was staring at me, and happily whimpering. My first thought was, “What?” but not a “How can I help you?” what. It was a “Is this really happening?” what. I quickly concluded that I must’ve accidently left the crate door open when I went to bed. My dog’s been trained to sleep in a crate all night but there’s been no training on crate etiquette. Clearly that’s next on the list. Item 1: when the crate door is halfway open, you must pretend it’s closed and locked. Item 2: when it’s dark and nobody’s around, that must mean it’s night time and you should stay in the crate. Item 3: If it’s dark and the crate door is halfway open, swivel your head around to make sure Daddy’s not laying on the floor nearby. If he is, follow the steps in the “Is Daddy Taking A Well-Deserved Nap? (A Handbook for Puppies)” handbook. I’ll list those steps in a later post. The handbook also clearly states that anything happening before 7am is considered “the night before,” so waking up at 6am does not mean the morning is starting. It means the night is still going. This whole 6am thing better be a fad that she grows out of. Maybe when she gets to doggy-junior-high-school-age (human years: 2) she’ll avoid me because I’m “not cool” or I “wear socks with my flip flops” or I make her wear a “leash” in front of her friends. Then maybe she won’t be so eager to wake me up a few hours after yesterday ended.

So I climbed out of bed and checked the clock. 6am. At this hour of the night, the only solace I can cling to is two episodes of Boy Meets World on ABC Family. Until I found out they’re airing the younger episodes. Sigh. Now what? My dog’s already had her breakfast. It’s 605am. Just then I remember I’ve got a fenced-in back yard! There, my little morning pepper can roam around and sniff to her heart’s content. Meanwhile, I can check to see if Saved By the Bell is on yet. Drat, it’s on at 7am. It’s probably the younger episodes, anyway, the ones with Miss Bliss. Once I was fully awake and/or functional, I plugged in the computer and worked on a few computery-type projects. Later Piper came back inside. We played. I fixed lunch. Piper went back into her crate. I drove to work, already sleepy from being woken up the night before, ie. 6am.

This is volume 1 of a series titled, “I Own You. I Own You. A Look Into Who Owns Who, the Master and Puppy.” Check back often for the next in this ongoing series!

click here for the next posting, Volume 2: Sharing A Car With Dog.

Personalities: The Weird Guy

Girls are uncomfortable around him because he’s either asked three or more of them out on a date, or one of them more than three times. That or he uses his eyes when he should be using his words, ie. he’s staring.

The reason I labeled this “The Weird Guy” is because in my conversations with girls, the title is very common, and widely understood as to what it means. Among my guy friends, we rarely, if ever, call a girl weird. So when these characteristics fit members of the female gender, they’d be labeled differently. If I were to ask my guy friends who they think a weird girl is, they’d suggest people like Lady GaGa, Michelle (from the Brad Womack season of the Bachelor) or Tori Spelling as Violet on Saved By The Bell. Odd certainly, but not creepy or uncomfortable (jury’s still out on Michelle here), ie. what a girl means when she calls a guy weird. In fact, she’s using “weird” to sum up a longer sentiment: “That guy has problems! I never want to be alone with him because he’s all kinds of creepy.” See how the word “weird” is easier to use? During my senior year of college, a “weird” guy came onto the scene among my friends. I was unfortunately talked into the middle of a little situation. He found one of my friends attractive and came to me asking about her. Perhaps I should’ve lied and said she was a gold digger, immature or married because the next thing I knew he asked her out. Bad got worse when she came to me asking about him! Not good. The end result was that she found out he was one of the weird ones. Guys like this get a bad wrap because somewhere along the way they missed the lessons on people skills, what to say, what not to say and when not to say it. Into adulthood their dating relationships (or lack of) pay the price of the social uneducation of their youth. With all the discomfort these characters may bring to an environment, they do also have some qualities, qualities that are admirable and even sought after. “The Weird Guy” is ambitious. He sees something, or someone, he wants and goes for it. Secondly, he takes rejection well.

“The Weird Guy” can be a Jekyll & Hyde of sorts, possibly doubling as “The Sattelite” or even “The Dark Horse.”