Grown Son of President-Elect Seeks Adoption by Italian Restaurant

Orlando, FL — The grown son Joe Biden never talks about is seeking an unprecedented action due to his never being talked about by is father. “This is a case the likes of which we’ve never seen before,” said Orlando judge, Gregory Tullman Hess. He’s, of course, referring to the case of The Son Joe Never Talks About v. The Dad Who Never Talks About Him. The filing was made public earlier this month in Orlando, Florida, which might appear odd but makes sense in the official statement. We managed to get a copy, which partially reads:

“…I’ve done my best to make my father, the Big Guy, proud, but it just seems like a lost cause. I set up deals with foreign businesses for him, I send cards on Father’s Day, I even went out of my way when his daughter-in-law was hurting and needed a shoulder to cry on. But he doesn’t treat me like family. Therefore, this letter is my formal appeal to be adopted by Olive Garden Italian Kitchen Restaurants, who has stated many times that ‘we’re all family here.'”

Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

The Son Joe Never Talks About is seeking first to divorce his parents, then subsequently an adoption by the Olive Garden corporation. Sources close to the The Son Joe Never Talks About said he first became curious when OG’s slogan was, “When you’re here, you’re family.” He had tears rolling down his face, allegedly, and spoke of the kindness the restaurant owners and managers must have in their hearts.

We reached out to Joe, and have yet to receive a response. However, we did get an “out of office of the President-Elect” that stated Joe was preparing for his new seat in the Senate and in the case of an emergency, could be reached by dialing Joe30330.

The Son Joe Never Talks About is hoping that Olive Garden is still offering never-ending breadsticks, and never-ending hugs.

-Out of the Wilderness

Just one shenanigan?

Everyone always says “shenanigans.” He’s up to shenanigans. She’s involved in political shenanigans. But has anyone ever done just one shenanigan? Like, who really has time for more than one, especially on a week night? If you’re involved in shenanigans, more power to you! You’re ambition is admirable.

For me, if I can get a single shenanigan in before bedtime, I’d call that a win. Maybe, just maybe, on a weekend I might possibly think about following up a shenanigan with another shenanigan, but it sounds exhausting and time-consuming.

How do you feel about shenanigans? Are you a one-and-done kind of person, or are you always up for more shenanigans?

-Out of the Wilderness

Burden – a movie review without spoilers!

I watched this movie only a few days ago and it has stuck with me. It’s not that it’s full of all the things I like- comedy, drama, love, thrills. But Garrett Hedlund, who plays KKK member Mike Burden, did amazing work portraying a conflicted man. Mike was evil — racist and hateful — but clearly showing signs of shedding the archaic, perverse way of life that is the KKK. I couldn’t help but yearn for him to leave this hateful group, even feeling sorry for him as he was pulled in two very different directions. I was also very surprised this movie was based on events that happened only a couple of decades ago. In 1996, weren’t we passed this type of hatefulness? I guess not.

I don’t think this counts as a spoiler, but a line that I absolutely loved came from Mike Burden as he chatted with Pastor Kennedy:

“Sir, if I call you my enemy, I’ll walk through Heaven and I will punch God just to get to you. If I call you my friend, I’ll walk through Hell and I’ll slap the devil for you.“

Isn’t that something?

Mike Burden’s girlfriend Judy, played by Andrea Riseborough, also left a memorable mark for me from this movie. She is a great example of what unconditional love can look like. I thought the acting all around was really great, and was surprised to see Usher in there, too.

If you need a movie for a rainy night and want one that will move you, I encourage you to check this one out. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

-Out of the Wilderness

Unlucky Fan Gets Seat Directly Behind Cardboard Cutouts

Tampa Bay, FL — Due to looser regulations on COVID-19, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have been allowing 15% capacity in their stadium, much to the delight of lifelong Bucs fan Jason Treger. “This year has been a tough one. I lost my job. I might have to sell my house. All I wanted was to score a ticket to see my Bucs play and maybe watch Tom Brady throw a couple touchdowns.”

Part of Jason’s wish came true; he was one of a handful of lucky fans to get a ticket for a recent game. However, that’s where his luck ran out. Though there were plenty of empty seats around the stadium, his seat was squarely behind two of the largest cardboard cutouts ever manufactured.

Jason’s view for the entire game

Jason provided OTW News with a photo he took during the game. He said if you look closely you can see Tom Brady but we inspected the picture and cannot confirm this. Jason left the game feeling empty and disheartened. The only solace Jason has in this world is that he’s not a Jets fan.

-OTW News

Questions I have for Kamala Harris

Like many of you (in the U.S., at least), I’ve been thinking a lot about the recent election that’s actually still going on (as they continue counting votes, and challenging the results). Joe Biden has prematurely anointed himself as future President when the rest of everyone knows Kamala Harris is the Democrats’ “chosen one.” So with that in mind, I have a few questions for Mrs. Harris.

Why did you say yes when Joe Biden, a man you enthusiastically accused of being racist, asked you to be his running mate?

Exactly when did you know you would eventually become the President?

Has Tulsi Gabbard stopped running for the Democratic nomination yet?

If the United States is Dorothy, and freedom is our ruby slippers, does that make you the Wicked Witch of the West?

Can you please stop with the disingenuous smile and laugh?

Back when you were running for the Democratic nomination, you admitted that in your past you smoked marijuana (and laughed about it). What was your angle in that admission?

If folks coming into the U.S. illegally are not charged for breaking a law, then why should anyone obey any law? In fact, why should we have laws at all?

How does it make you feel that Biden said he was going to choose a woman (and a woman of color) as VP, possibly overlooking other people that might be more qualified for the position?

Will you please consider that abortion is not just the woman’s choice? When will the father have a say in what happens to his child?

-Out of the Wilderness