I was driving back from my cousin’s wedding. A comfortable ride, the radio playing my favorite songs, the sun rising to my right, the dogs asleep. It’s the time of year where you can leave the A/C off, just open the vents and let the cool air fill the car up. The cruise control was set at 77 and I was doing just that, cruising.
I must love my dogs because I kept thinking about what would happen in case of rapture. My car would still be cruising at 77 and I know my dogs are smart, but there’s no possible way they’d wake up in time to gain control of the car and bring it to a safe and harmless stop! So maybe I’ll come up with a new bumper sticker that says, “In case of rapture, hit this button.” Oh yeah, I’d put the bumper sticker inside so the dogs could see it, and oh yeah, I’d have a button installed that automatically pops out 3 red turtle shells to orbit around the car like on Mario Kart, and oh yeah, I would’ve already taught my dogs to press buttons, you know, with any available paw. No one knows when the rapture will happen, so I guess for now, me and my dogs will just cruise.
Think Outside the Box
The problem with everyone thinking outside the box is that now everyone is thinking outside the box. It’s actually more original to think inside the box. Afterall, didn’t the box have some good stuff inside? All of the sudden no one wants anything to do with the box, but what did the box ever do to us? We just decided, “Oh, we don’t like boxes. We don’t like being taped up and secure. We don’t like FedEx shipping us at a flat rate.” Well, what the heck are you going to use when you wrap Christmas gifts this year? Write this down: thinking inside the box is the new thinking outside the box. It’s like in football when coaches call a timeout to ice the kicker before an important field goal. By all standards, that’s thinking outside the box. But to truly ice the kicker, you need to get back inside the box… by not calling a timeout which will surprise the kicker who was expecting you to call a timeout.
To summarize, when someone in your next meeting says to “think outside the box,” throw a red bow in their face and say, “Merry Christmas, boxist!” Then go find a box and pack up your things because you’ll probably get fired.
I Was 4 Years Old Again
When you have those rare moments that shut you up, what do you think about? When you’re not close to death, but your life flashes before your eyes, what do you do next? Are the experiences you least expect the ones you remember the most? I wasn’t expecting to get all nostalgic and deep tonight, but on the way home from work “Unglued” by Michael Tate was playing on my iPod. About halfway into it, I saw a Pinellas County license plate. All of a sudden I was a 4-year-old at Sheridan Hills Christian School. I was hearing Chariots of Fire for the first time on the piano. I was encountering my first bully. I was playing with a spritely beagle puppy named Belle. I was hugging a giant teddy bear that Mom-Mom and Pop just gave me. I never thought of being a 33-year-old guy. But if I did, would the life I imagined back then look anything like what it is now? I don’t feel like an adult. But I don’t feel young. I’m rich in some ways and poor in others. I’m wise sometimes and others, a fool. I have moments of pure genius and others that set me back 5 years. I’m happy but frustrated. I’m strong but naive. Life is good, but not as good as it could be, or will be. Alanis Morissette would call that ironic. Katy Perry might call it being hot and cold. I just call it being 33 years old. I just call it a 33-year-old with the giant teddy bear he still has and the belief that the little 4-year-old he once was is going to turn into something great.
Please Tell Me This Is Normal. #10
I’m such a regular Samaritan. The other day I was driving northbound on the interstate when traffic slowed because of a recent car accident in the southbound lanes. I saw a car with severe rear-end damage. I saw 2 infant car-seats resting on the shoulder of the highway’s inside lane, close to the grassy median. I slowly drove by and rolled down my windows. I could feel sweat on my forehead. It was that hot outside. Then I saw another car. It was halfway between the north and southbound lanes, parked in the grass with the doors open. I knew it wasn’t involved in the accident. A man, the driver, was helping a woman as she crouched down to sit in the driver’s seat of his car. She was holding a small baby.
So this guy was in the northbound lanes, just like me. He saw the wrecked car, just like me. But then he did something to help the people that really had nowhere else to go.
There’s nothing regular about that!
Please Tell Me This Is Normal. #9
Does anyone else think it’s totally gross to go into a public bathroom and sit on a toilet that’s still warm from the person before you? I can get over a lot of gross things, but it’s difficult for me to accept that I’m currently sitting on someone else’s warmth. Maybe it’s just me.
Out of the Wilderness 