The Needle Test

A few months ago I participated in an activity known as “the needle test.” If you are unfamiliar, ask a female and they’ll tell you it’s about finding out the gender order of children you’ll have. Some swear by this method of revelation, others are more sceptical. Whether it’s reliable or not  I can’t say, but in three separate tests, it gave me the same results. According to the test I will have a boy, then a girl, then another boy; Three children. While I find the results interesting given my current situation (single and barely dating), you may find it interesting that a 31-year old male participated in such an activity. Rest assured that your interest is well-grounded. I sometimes take part in things better suited for baby showers or bachelorette parties. But I’m still all male. I’m not ashamed to say my favorite movie is “Elizabethtown” and in rotation for second place are “500 Days of Summer” and “The Notebook.” I’ve been created with a soft heart, and most of it reserved for family so naturally, I was curious about what results the needle test would give for my future family. I’m also curious why we scream when something hurts, what it means for good people to have bad habits, and how fame and fortune affected Alex Rodriguez. As an 8th-grader at Westminster Christian School, I didn’t see A-Rod often (he was in high school then), but he seemed nice enough, except for one story my brother told me. I wonder if A-Rod has ever done the needle test? Alex if you’re reading this, let me know what results you got. And if anyone else reading this knows why good people have bad habits or why we scream when something hurts, feel free to share.

The results of the needle test are something I’ve thought about since then. If it’s accurate, if I will eventually have two boys and a girl, when is it going to happen? Who is it going to happen with? My parents would have loved for it to happen five years ago. Back then it would have been in Tallahassee, Florida with a girl I’m no longer friends with. She’s a great person from a great family, however not fit for the role of my wife or my children’s mother. Just a passenger on the road for a short while, but not for the long haul. Speaking of roads, a local Nashville pastor once used the illustration that if you’re in Nashville traveling on West on Interstate 40, you will go to Memphis. That’s where you’re going. You can’t travel on Interstate 40 and hope to end up in Ohio. It won’t happen. The pastor then applied it to life, saying if you’re on the wrong road, you’ll end up at the wrong destination. I love that illustration because of it’s simple truth. As I apply it to my own life, I wonder what I want my destination to be. If I want the needle test to be accurate, then the destination is marriage. If the destination is marriage, I need to find out what road takes me there. Once I find the road that takes me there, I need to find out if I’m on it or not. Road signs tell the truth. If I see a road sign labeled “friends with benefits” I’m on the wrong road. If I see a road sign labeled “compromising what I want most” or “settling” I’m on the wrong road. However, if I see “Godly,” “great,” “blessing,” “gift,” “faithfulness,” “challenge,” “don’t give up,” “right,” chances are I’m on the right road.

Chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want now.  ~Zig Ziglar

If My Day Were A Song

A few weeks ago, I was having one of those mornings where just about everything that could domino effect in the wrong direction, did.

The day started off quite normal: wake up, let the dog out, prepare breakfast, let the dog in, feed the dog, eat breakfast. It was a day much like many others until it came time to leave for work. There was a curious and yet, blazingly-clear red flag that I didn’t catch until it was too late: on my way outside to corral the beagle, the back door was not closed all the way.

I didn’t think much of it as I pulled it open, then shut it behind me on the way out to the back yard. I should have thought much of it, because if I had, I would’ve remembered my habit of locking the door knob lock every time I enter the house. Since the door was already slightly open, I didn’t think to check the door knob lock on the way out. The beagle and I returned and were locked out. I gasped. And I was going to be on time to work! Drat.

WWARD. What would a robber do? The task of breaking into my house proved to be rather difficult at first. As seen on tv and in movies, I tried a credit card. No luck. Most of the windows in the house were shut and locked so there were only three with any chance of an opportunity. My bathroom window seemed the most logical to start with because I knew I’d left it cracked. Only thing, it’s about 10 feet from the ground. Without going into detail about how, I eventually got back inside the house. Good thing the alarm was not set inside the house!

If my day went normally from there, I would have been thrilled. And it was normal until I merged onto the interstate. In the mayhem of breaking back into my house, I took my watch off and set it on top of my car. Sigh.

Rest in peace, calculator watch. I’m going to miss you!

Pet Peeves 2

A few more of my current pet peeves.

8. Olive Garden commercials.

9. Songs about songs (exceptions: Listen to the Music/Doobie Brothers, Party in the USA/Miley Cyrus). In the example below, Kid Rock is basically telling us not to listen to his song, but listen to “Sweet Home Alabama” or other rock and roll music.

10. The following buzzwords: bully, trending, and hun (as used in girl-to-girl conversations… “Hey, hun!” or “Thanks, hun!”)

Spongebob and Flats the bully

11. Furniture Warehouse commercials in Nashville, TN

12. Pens that don’t allow a smooth flow of ink. Being left-handed, I push the pen accross the page and need a smooth flow of ink.

  
13. Any statements that end with, “That is all.”


14. Unity candle in a wedding. After the candle is lit, the audience has to wait three more minutes for the song to finish while staring awkwardly at the bride and groom who are whispering and giggling.

Volume 4: Sharing Problems with Dog

Everything I learned about solving problems, I learned from my dog. Take a look at how the puppy in this video follows a simple step by step process on solving problems.


There’s a simple formula clearly demonstrated in the video. In order to grasp how the beagle handled the above scenario, it’s necessary to break it down step by step.

1. You may not know when a problem is about to show up, so until it does, have fun.

2. When the problem approaches, don’t overreact. Calmly assess the situation.

3. Once you’re aware of the elements involved in the problem, approach cautiously.

4. Stare.

5. After staring for a significant amount of time, slowly approach the problem while staring.

6. At the most opportune time, attack the problem or retreat from it.

After further analysis, it appears most of this fits best with physical and/or visible problems, ie. bullies, bigger dogs, some cats. However, for problems that are internal, spiritual, relational, and/or mental, I would not recommend this process. Seek help elsewhere.

This is volume 4 of a series titled, “I Own You. I Own You. A Look Into Who Owns Who, the Master and Puppy.” Check back often for the next in this ongoing series!

Volume 1

Volume 2

Volume 3

Pet Peeves

A few of my current pet peeves.

1. Long receipts. So much information that I’ll never read. Check out your neighborhood Wal-Mart and you may notice the same thing I noticed. I recently went there to buy dog food when PetSmart was closed. I bought one thing, dog food. My receipt was 11.75 inches long! (yes I measured)

2. The recurring “must restart computer message”… every 5 minutes. Is it so important to restart my computer and install updates that I should drop everything I’m doing or be reminded to do so 96 times in a day (5 times per hour for 8 hours)? I don’t want to restart my computer right now. Ask me again at 6pm. This is almost as annoying as getting emails that tell me my mailbox is almost full.
3. Emails that tell me my mailbox is almost full. Well, if they’d stop sending me emails about it, my mailbox wouldn’t be so full!
4. Christian Copycat. This next one has been on my list for a long time. Nothing is more uncreative, nothing is more cheesy than copycat marketing. Christian apparel does this religously. Hehe, get it?
5. “In Memory Of” car stickers. I’m not trying to offend anyone with this pet peeve of mine. I’m in total support of honoring those that have died, certainly people that were close, whether family or friends. But what exactly is in memory of the person? The way you drive? Your car? Your rear window?
6. CBS Channel 5 in Nashville. I have Comcast cable and CBS comes in snowy. Maybe the pet peeve is that I have Comcast cable.
7. Fist bumps. Ok, I’ll admit it was cool back in the early 2000s, but here’s the rule to go by: when ESPN anchors do it, it’s no longer cool.