The Bachelorette, Episode 6: The Heart is Forever Making the Head Its Fool

We’re all couch psychiatrists each Monday night at 8/7 Central and Ashley Hebert is our favorite client. Like a Sunday afternoon football game, women (and a few men) are sitting in their living rooms screaming at the television, offering advice on what the next play should be. Unfortunately for Ashley, she can’t hear us and even more unfortunately, no one close to her will show her the tapes of Bentley’s interviews. Just show her the dang tapes! I guess it’s easier to fly him to Hong Kong, given it’s proximity to Los Angeles and all. Each episode Ashley’s heart continues to trick her head into thinking Bentley cares but I think this is the one time it would be OK to break up over the phone. Even an email would do, am I right? Anyway, he’s out there and Ashley’s hoping he’ll propose, but the dot dot dot ends with a period. Bentley is done. Winner = Ashley.

This psychiatric analysis is going to end short tonight, I have another client knocking on my door. I won’t tell you his name, but let’s just say it rhymes with Metta World Peace. Actually, that’s his name.

Though roses went to Lucas, Ryan P., J.P., Ben F., Constantine, and Ames, winners of the episode were Mickey and Blake who went home without a drama, I mean, rose.

Ron Artest a.k.a. Metta World Peace

 

She.

She. She. She.
She turned his world upside down.
Walking around
Thinking about the best thing he ever found.
His life the glass, her life the rock.
Shattered faster than a plastic lock.
To an ocean dock,
She tied him up and began to heal
more than the idea, it was his heart, his ability to feel.
She was a steal.
He was willing to be a part of the deal
That kept her around day and night.

She. She.She.
She gave him a new definition of good.
The hand he held, it was good.
The smile he saw, it was good.
The plans they made, they were good.
He could and she could became they would.
She changed him for good.

She. She. She.
Different than the ones before.
A friend and so much more.
So pretty and barely knew it.
With an attitude and the ability to prove it.
An international improvement.
His heart beat faster at her slightest movement.
She fills him up like a breakfast bowl.
A peace to the restless soul.

He loved himself the most,
He’d often toast the single life.
It was nice being free,
But he’d agree
Freedom’s not nearly as pretty as she.

The Bachelorette in Chiang Mai, Thailand

The lucky guys are still in Thailand trying to win Ashley’s love and devotion, this time, in Chiang Mai, Thailand. I liked how last week when Ashley announced they’d be going to Chiang Mai, Thailand all the guys cheered. Come on, no one besides Ames really knew where it was. But that’s where they found themselves and so they settle in to the Mandarin Oriental dadada Hotel. Ashley’s monologue about how she’s ready for new beginnings was accompanied by the music of Crystal Pepsi. I became inspired, and thirsty.

This is the first episode featuring a two-on-one date, but first, let’s see who got the one-on-one date. It went to Ben F., the winemaker from California. Their date included two pink shirts, a rickety 3-wheeler and a trip to the downtown market. I was expecting the Thai version of a flash mob, but they made umbrellas, instead. Wouldn’t it be cool if every episode had a flash mob from now on? Anyway, Ben had pink striped shorts on, too. I think it worked but what do I know? I do stuff like this:

After the umbrellas Ben F. and Ashley view an ancient temple. They aren’t allowed to kiss near the temple, so they close their eyes and kiss, Representative Weiner style, a.k.a. in their minds. Later, Ben F. and Ashley eat dinner at a breathtaking picnic setup including candles, flowers, and well, food. Ben F. opens up about his dad dying. Ashley replies with a “rhhhhhhhhhlly” which is a breathy way to say “really.” I suppose that means she was extremely moved by Ben’s story. So when you want someone to know you’re sympathetic, add h’s to the words you uhhhhse. Ben F.’s fan base is sure to grow after this date, so does his chances with Ashley. She gives him the rose that was at stake, then they kiss.

The group date included Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan P., J.P., and Mickey. They guys take part in Muay Thai boxing which is basically kickboxing. The guys boxed each other in short one-on-one matches. The matches really could’ve went either way, but there were some winner and losers. Ames lost his match to Ryan P. and actually went to the hospital. He later caught up with the gang at dinner. Ashley pulled him aside to make sure he was alright. Ames explained the doctor said he was suffering from being totally in love… and a mild concussion.

Did anyone else notice the excessive use of cell phone video camera footage? I guess no one’s safe from the budget crunch, eh, ABC? Cheer up, you still have “101 Ways to Leave a Game Show” game show.

Blake gets the rose from the group date, which he accepts and then kisses Ashley. The first two-on-one of the season went to William and Ben C. and one of the guys will go home at the end of the date. William comes across awfully arrogant in his interviews, a side we haven’t really seen before. The three take a log raft ride down a river and I’m suddenly having flashbacks of the one time I watched Deliverance.

William talks separately with Ashley and proceeds to throw Ben under the bus, something he said he wasn’t doing. He told Ashley what Ben said to the guys about wanting to get back to online dating. In a shocking twist, Ben C. is sent home immediately. Ashley and William sit down for dinner where Ashley took a longer than comfortable sip of her drink. Why? Because she was about to send William home, too. Bam. William’s now wondering “…what was Ben C. saying about Match.com again? Or was it OKCupid?”

Later Ashley meets the guys for the cocktail party. She has some ultra boring talks with the guys, sponsored by my DVR. Fast forwarding to the rose ceremony, roses went to: (Ben F. and Blake earlier), Constantine, Lucas, JP, Ames, Mickey, Ryan P. The men sent home were (Ben C. and William earlier), Nick.

Quote of the episode… Ashley: “hhhhhyy gyyyyys” (a breathy “hey guys”)

Thanks for reading! For a relationship that has a better chance of surviving, and is simply more real, check out these two people getting married:

Why your dog rolls around on dead animals

First, I have to throw in that she rolls around on dead snakes, also. Nasty, but fair. On any given neighborhood walk, my beagle Piper undoubtedly finds an animal that has recently passed away and because her sense of smell is better than mine, she finds it long before I do. Here’s what she does: she sniffs it, then backs up and beginning with the side of her face, she dips down and rub in it all the way to her hind legs. Unless, of course, I can halt the behavior in time to avoid a bath later. She’s not unlike a stubborn child but why does she want to make my life more difficult? Well, that’s where the story gets interesting.

[also check out my blog about why dogs curl up in a ball when they sleep]

She’s acting on ancient instincts when she baths herself in the scent of those poor creatures that have bit the dust. The behavior can be linked to the wolf. To hide it’s own scent, the wolf rubs in a dead animal carcass, making it easier to approach it’s prey before the prey realizes what’s happening. The wolf is badass… and hungry no more. Hunting breeds of dogs are more prone to rubbing in dead animals, so that’s why Piper does it. It’s jungle league. My dog automatically knows how to get down and dirty and stalk her prey. I’ve got a badass beagle.

Are we all just hungry like the wolf?

The idea behind this hunting behavior is so similar to human behavior it’s scary. First dates, resumes, job interviews, first impressions, meeting a spouse’s parents, making friends at school, politicians, wanting to be liked… we take on some or a lot of the characteristics of the intended target. We do this to be accepted, to arrive with no drama, to make others believe we’re the person they see in front of them, and someone that should be liked and accepted. It’s about finding common ground, in a way. None is more obvious than “the politician.” When election time comes around, politicians roll around in society so the members of that society will believe the politician is one of their own. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, if you will. The ol’ rope-a-dope.

My dog wants other rabbits to think she’s a rabbit. Or a squirrel. Or a snake. If they accept her, she will take full advantage. The next time you catch yourself modifying your behavior to match the crowd you’re in, you should howl. It’s the way of the wolf. It’s the way of the man.

But I would never roll around on a dead snake, that’s just gross.

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Ryan P’s “Awww Shucks” Face.

Ashley and the guys begin the episode by flying to Phuket, Thailand. I’m going to stray from my normal post and write in the style of the well-known if not famously popular Nick Shell, so without further ado… here it goes…

One of the beautiful Asian women

Video shots of Thai motorboats: 5

Video shots of the sun: 0

Beautiful Asian women: 2

red shoes: 1 pair (Blake)

How many Thai people were offended by the short shorts Ashley wore: all

Commercials with Asian women in them: 7

Umbrellas: 8

Constantine's socks

Thai man giving marriage advice: 1

What Ashley has that she’s ready to give away again: her heart

Socks at the beach: 1 pair (Constantine)

Ashley compared to fruit or a guinea pig: 2

Elephants painted on a wall: 1

New mattresses for the Baan San Fan Orphanage: 4

Cute orphaned kids: 10 (out of 10)

“buzzing around me”: 2

Ryan awww shucks 1
Ryan awww shucks 2

Bachelor that has already been to Thailand for cooking school: 1 (Ames)

“awww shucks” face from Ryan P.: 7

Awesome Fantasy Bachelorette Leagues: 1

Roses went to: Constantine, Ben F., Ames, Lucas, Ryan P., J.P., Nick, Mickey, Blake, William, Ben C.

Sent home: West