Meeting the Ex’s Next

I’ve always thought our relationship was like Tom and Summer’s in (500) Days of Summer. When we were together, we weren’t ever quite on the same page. And there was a time after our breakup I really wanted to find (spoiler alert) Autumn first, like it was a competition. Honestly, what I really wanted was for her to find out I was with someone else, as if her jealousy would gratify me. That was a long time ago.

an example of a handshake

But I still didn’t know how it would feel to find out she had a new boyfriend. And in a dramatic twist, not only would I find out she did have a new boyfriend, I’d have the chance to meet him within the same hour! Holy I-Hope-This-Isn’t-Like-the-Dream-Sequence-In-Dumb & Dumber-When-Lloyd-Meets-Mary-(Samsonite)-Swanson’s-Husband, Batman! It was a curveball I wasn’t expecting. But hey, I’m a heck of a baseball player!

I was standing by the chili station at the company Christmas party and suddenly, there she was. And there he was. After the quick let’s-not-make-this-more-awkward introductions, I turned to the pot of chili. My buddy later asked, “On a scale of 10, how weird was that?” The answer is so refreshing. It was a zero. And it really was.

But if anyone had the expectation that I’d be happy for her, they’d be disappointed. I’m not upset or jealous either. I’m somewhere in the ballpark of indifference. And in reality, that’s a win.

-Out of the Wilderness

Mustache Friday

Tom Selleck.   Hulk Hogan.   White Goodman.   Ben Wilder.

What do these four men have in common? A fairly common case of Awesomeupper Lipness. For seven days I wore a mustache with as much commitment as I could muster. Consider it an experiment in social acceptance. Here are a few reactions I got from people:

Nice ‘stache.

Are you trying to get on the government’s watch list? Because you’re creeping out Amber.

*applause*  I’m applauding the mustache… manly.

Oh, damn… that’s deisel!


Are you trying out for the Police Academy?

I think I saw you on “How To Catch A Predator” last night.

Have you been watching “Three Men and A Baby”? What inspired this?

Honey, come over here. (mother commanding young daughter near me at a yard sale)

Ben, you have some dirt— *points finger to upper lip*

You kinda look like Tom Selleck. *followed by ‘not-a-compliment’ laughter*

What are you doing? (me to myself in the mirror)

*A nod and a wave from another guy with a mustache*

I’ll still hang out with you, it doesn’t matter.

You should grow it out.

Slow down, ‘stache.

Ben Selleck.

I like your mustache.

Birth control.

The Dude abides.

This is not the first time I’ve grown a mustache, however I was more commited this time, and spent more time making it look the best it could. Suprisingly, I never heard these comments:

That mustache is hot.

Hey manly man, take me out on a date and make my whole life worthwhile.

If I said your mustache was awesome, would you hold it against my lips?

If your mustache was money, it would be a thousand dollar bill!

Wow, Tom Selleck looks like you.

Did Chuck Norris scare the rest of your beard away?

*after seeing me, girl to current boyfriend*   We’re done.

*after seeing me, girl to current boyfriend*   See? Now that’s a man.

*after seeing me, girl thinks about current boyfriend*   Am I settling?

His upper lip is partying like it’s 1989.

Does that policeman know he’s awesome?

Is he punching through glass because he can or because he can?