Study shows fish discouraged by evolutionary process

Pensacola, FL — Ichthyologists doing research on the behavior of fish in the gulf region, just off the coast of northern Florida, have been perplexed for months by the apparent mood changes of many vertebrates in the area.

“We’ve seen fish change behavior based on environmental factors, predator stressers, and the like, but we haven’t seen anything quite like this before,” says scientist Joseph Blaylock. “Entire schools of fish swimming slowly, with no apparent direction, some were even documented as having ‘sad faces,’ so we’re conducting more research to find out what might be causing this.”

A few factors that might make a fish to look “sad,” or frown, are big sharks in the area, getting hooked by a fishing line, losing Nemo, or watching your best friend turn from a mermaid to a human and leave forever.

Marine biologists have been brought in to study the sounds heard amongst some of the fish in the gulf. Primarily studying the fish who appear downcast, communication between them has an eary similarity to a minor key in music.

Progress took a leap forward yesterday when a stack of paper was found floating near a school of mopey mullet. It was nearly tossed aside until some of the writing caught the eye of a few biologists on the research boat. The spelling was very, very poor, but was in English, much to the delight of all on board. The note was written by Yerlstey the Mullet, Jr., and can be summarized by extreme disappointment that they have yet to turn into humans. Pages two and three mentioned all the fun they see humans doing, from jet-skiing to parasailing, kayaking, boating, using arms and legs, talking, laughing, hugging, snorkeling, breathing air, all things fish in the area cannot do.

The last page, page four, ends with an honest question: “Can’t we at least get to lizard status? Having little legs and feet would be a real game-changer for us.”

Although the sentiment of the underwater dwellers tugged on the hearts of those who heard the plea, there’s ultimately nothing these scientists can do. In a handwritten note addressed to Yerlstey the Mullet, Jr. and friends, a response:

“We’re sorry you are still fish. The process of evolution takes millions of years, so those reading or hearing this note won’t be turning into humans during your lifetime, but on the bright side, a lot of humans are becoming vegan. This means they won’t eat you or your family.”

Scientists weren’t exactly sure this was the right angle to take with the fish, but blamed their years of schooling and lack of social interaction on however their note might have sounded.

-Out of the Wilderness News

 

Activist student drops bombshell on university faculty

Los Angeles — Earlier this week, University of Southern California student Abby Thompson took to social media expressing her distaste for some of the faculty and staff at the private college.

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Administration takes comments like this very seriously, especially in the #MeToo era, so when they were made aware of the vague accusation, an investigation began immediately.

Leading the inquiry as to what happened was well-known and highly-regarded Ethics in Society professor Linda Shultz. She has a history of getting to the bottom of things and was eager to make things right with this student, given the fact that the student is a woman and whatever she is upset about is probably true, because otherwise, why would she have said anything?

It was quickly known what the matter was pertaining. Abby Thompson felt attacked in her Basic Communications course as the syllabus stated the course started every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 9am.

Class instructor Tom Treadwell said, “I’ve been teaching this class for 7 years now, and this is a first for me. We start the class at a certain time on a certain day, and students sit in whatever seat they want. I’m still not sure what exactly the problem is.” He went on to say the day of the incident Ms. Thompson was irate, and stormed out of the class chanting “My body! My choice!”

Linda Shultz was able to sit down with Abby to get her side of the situation. The official report is about one page double spaced, mostly consisting of dates and locations, witness statements, and of course it includes Abby’s complaint. According to the document made available exclusively to OTW News, Abby was offended and insulted when she read in the syllabus that students were to report to room 309 (location of the class for the entire semester), by 9am.

“This is so sexist! How can he tell me what to do with my body? It’s my body! If I don’t want to take my body to class at 9am, no man is going to tell me otherwise. I can’t believe this is happening in 2019.”

Once learning of the reason for Abby’s extreme dislike of having to attend a class at a particular set time in order to get credit for that class, she quickly dismissed the investigation and became embarrassed on behalf of all women everywhere.

Asked for her reaction, Abby simply said, “Men are the problem.”

-Out of the Wilderness News

New XFL football season in 2020! Thanks, no thanks.

For those that think we need more football in our lives, the XFL kicks off in February 2020, the weekend after the NFL Super Bowl. You may remember the XFL from the 1-season-season back in 2001, promoted as a mix of WWE wrestling and professional football. The league folded but supposedly it’s back and better than ever now.

I can’t speak for all football fans, but I don’t think I’ll be an avid fan of the league. We already have football on Sunday, Monday, Thursday, Saturday. And now with fantasy football, I’m just about exhausted every Sunday night!

I’ll tell you a little story about yesterday, Sunday. My fantasy football team, The Billy Oceans, faced the best team in the league. He scores like, a bajillion points every week, so I didn’t have much hope going into it. My team, though, is almost in a must-win situation if I want to make the 4-team playoffs. So he ends up outscoring me by early afternoon.

I take a nap. It’s Sunday after all.

I wake up to find my team dead even, scoring quite a few points while I was sleeping! Long story short, in the Sunday night game, Lamar Jackson gave me a headache and I get headaches maybe once every few years. Not good!

So do I want MORE football once the NFL and college are over? For the sake of my health, I’ll pass.

-Out of the Wilderness

 

If you hadn’t heard yet, Willie Taggert is gone

A bomb dropped in Tallahassee today… coach, or should I say former coach Willie Taggert has been relieved of his duties at Florida State. If you didn’t already know that, you probably haven’t been on Facebook, or the internet in general, this afternoon.

As a graduate of Florida State, a lot of my Facebook feed revolves around the breaking news. I’d talked to some of my family just a few weeks ago and we agreed if he finished the season with 6 wins and 6 losses, he may be given another year. But if it were 5 wins and 7 losses, no sir, gone! Well, we were kinda right… but he’ll never get a chance to get to 7 losses. At least not at FSU.

I don’t know of any names floating around that fans would happy with. Many fans are fed up, and they’re not alone. Even ESPN host Kirk Herbstreit had a real hangry outburst about FSU and the crazy part is he’s probably right about everything.

It’ll be interesting what happens next as far as head coaching goes. A return of Bobby Bowden? Perhaps, Mark Richt? I may even become a fan again if either of those two great men were hired for the job. But it’s FSU, so they’ll somehow mess things up further for the football program, I’m sure.

For now, gone are the days of great football at Florida State.

-Out of the Wilderness

Adult remembers the first time he lifted his hands in worship

By definition, Pentecostal means a Christian who’s faith is evidenced by speaking in tongues, healing, and even exorcism. If you ask the Baptists, it would include raising your hands, too. And Baptists don’t want to be Pentecostal.

Steven Turner, son of Pastor Turner and his wife Janine, was raised Baptist from the time he was in Royal Ambassadors all the way up to becoming a student leader at nearby Stonecrest Baptist Church. There are things Baptists don’t do, Steven told us.

“Folks at our church, we don’t judge, but we also don’t handle snakes, and we don’t separate church and football.” Living in the south means two things. You cheer on your football team Saturday, and cheer on your pastor Sunday.

Although he was keeping it lighthearted, there is something else Steven shared. When he was just a young teen attending Wednesday night youth group, he can still recall hearing a song that has meant a lot to him over the years.

“I was standing right next to ol’ Greg Simmons and this song came on. Years later I found out it was Avalon ‘Testify to Love.’ I didn’t know all the words but I just had to do something. So I raised my hand.”

The story goes that when this happened, his friends glanced over and some started snickering. Youth leader Christy Janson thought Steven needed something so she made her way over.

Christy: “I saw Steven’s hand in the air so maybe he needed to go to the bathroom or had a question about the Bible. ‘What’s up, Steve?’ but he didn’t answer and that’s when I got worried.”

Christy had heard about these things happening but not here. Not in this church. How had the devil got a foothold? She consulted the other leaders in the building and they set up a committee to look into it the following week. The pastor was made aware and added a few Scripture verses to the sermon the following Sunday.

Steven, meanwhile, had no idea there was anything going on behind the scenes. When Sunday rolled around and the choir was halfway through “What A Friend We Have in Jesus,” he raised a hand again and the organist nearly fell off her bench. The pastor’s lips became tight with the shenanigans this youth was putting on.

Steven remembers the pastors prayer during the offering, “…and Lord, let us make a joyful noise to you, give us opportunities to serve you as we raise our hands in worship, although we don’t mean that literally, we should keep our hands by our sides during the worship service… Amen.” Steven, being a normal person who knows things, knew that was a weird thing to say.

Steven would like everyone to know it’s OK to raise up hands in worship. He’s still not sure about snake-handling, though. Steven, neither are we. Until we know more, just keep it to the ones without the diamond-shaped heads.

-Out of the Wilderness