There’s Nothing Logical About My Biological Clock

biological

Feeling kind of sluggish after returning from Vegas a few days ago. I can’t pinpoint anything specific that’s causing this down-and-out mood. My dogs greeted me with yelps and wagging tails as I arrived home from the airport (which was flattering). I caught up on the latest episodes of Duck Dynasty (which were hilarious). Even took an early evening nap (which was heavenly). Plus, that was after a typical dinner of Past Sides fettuccini alfredo. Maybe it’s the time change that’s affecting my biological clock? We went from Central to Pacific to Daylight Savings back to Central. Wait, do I even have a biological clock? I don’t do a lot of logical things, so honestly, I’d be surprised if my bio wanted any part of logical. This sure better not be the start of a midlife crisis but it can’t be a quarter life crisis, can it??

…maybe I just need Pepto-Bismol.
-Out of the Wilderness
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The Bachelor and Why I Won’t Be Trying Out For It

“Are you gonna take me home tonight?
Down beside that red firelight?
Are you gonna let it all hang out?”

catherine4On the couch watching the season finale of “The Bachelor: Sean Lowe,” I think to myself how glad I am that I never applied to be on the show (though admittedly, I’ve considered applying before). It’s not so much that the formula doesn’t work, because there are success stories. I just know generally how it would go because of my track record and the show’s. You see, all the failed relationships I’ve been in have only one thing in common… me! It’s the harsh truth. So even if I were to make it on “The Bachelor” or as a contestant on “The Bachelorette,” it would ultimately end in a break-up. From the last girl I dated in Florida to the Asian I didn’t speak to in Harrah’s Casino last weekend, no relationship has progressed as far as it could have. But hey, I’m cool with that because things are different than they were in Florida because of stuff like this. And the Harrah’s girl, well, her memory will just serve as fuel to the fire the next time I want to act but hesitate.

So back to “The Bachelor,” at this point in the finale, we don’t know if Sean proposes to Lindsay (who wants marriage more than she wants Sean) or Catherine (who wants Sean more than she wants marriage), but one thing’s for sure… fat-bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go round.

“The slate will soon be clean
I’ll erase the memories
To start again with somebody new
Was it all wasted, all that love?”
-Lindsay or Catherine??? (and Queen, legally)

Pro or No: Girls in Vegas

It’s always fun in Las Vegas to pick out which girls are working that night, and which girls only dress like they’re working that night. It’s a little game called “Pro or No.” It’s not as difficult as you might think, though. If you spot a couple where the guy looks like Drew Carey and the girl looks like Fann Wong… Pro. You can also make an educated guess by the time of day. If it’s anywhere from 8am to 10am and a girl is leaving any sort of elevator bay area dressed like it’s Friday night at a club in L.A…. Pro.

Attire does factor in, which leads to a new way of determining if a girl is working it, or actually working. I call it, “The High and Tight.” Historically, I’ve thought of that as a military-style haircut, but in this scenario it’s about what the girl is wearing. The higher the skirt, the tighter the skirt, the more likely she’s hoping to get paid to take it off.

Next is the number factors: age and amount of girls swarming together help determine a Pro or No. Typically a group of 3 or more are not Pro’s. And anyone over the age of, let’s say, 30 is not Pro (unless they’re with a guy nearly twice their age!).

When you’re in Vegas, how do you determine who’s on the clock? Feel free to comment below!

Where There Is Faith

I have a strong desire to marry and have children. And I know when the former happens, the latter will, too. But sometimes I get discouraged. It’s ok, though, because I’ve got a plan. And even better than that, I hear a voice talking, “keep walking.” It’s from the One who goes before me through the valley and picks me up out of the pit. Thank you Lord for your mercy, your forgiveness, and for cheering me on.

Hitting the 200k Mark

199,999 views ago Barack Obama was still President of the United States. Gas was only $3.50 a gallon. Casey Anthony was just a girl with two first (guy) names and Pwned wasn’t anything. My, my, my how times have changed! Ok, not really. But anyway, reaching the 200,000 views mark means a lot to me, so thanks for reading! Here are a few highlights from “Out of the Wilderness.” Enjoy!

Some readers found my site by searching for “sweet cross tattoos” or “bret michaels” or “mixing instant breakfast with milk lumps” or my favorite, “michael bolton’s ex wife.” Others were searching for an answer for why their dog rolls on dead animals or what it means when a guy asks a girl to dinner. I’m so proud that my site is diverse enough to cover all those topics… and more! Here are a few links to posts from the past:

First post: My Kitchen

Highest viewed post: 10 signs he’s into you

Lowest viewed post: Merry Christmas from Wal-Mart

One of my favorite posts:Late Night Cable (Goodbye)