We Almost Dated: My History with Miranda Lambert

You caught my eye from across the room.
I’m almost sure you saw me, too.

Time was frozen as I gazed your way.
“Who’s that fine-looking man?” I’m almost sure I heard you say.

Apparently you started singing
But I’m almost sure I heard wedding bells ringing.

My heart increased in rate
Looking forward to our first date,
Which would happen
When people stopped clappin’.

You must’ve sang well.
I’m almost sure I had you under my spell.

I started to make my move, like a Speedo in a pool.
And I would’ve talked to you if it hadn’t been for Buddy Jewel!

You should have won Nashville Star, the others were overrated.
I’m almost sure we would’ve dated,
But we remained seperated.
Our dreamy future faded,
Like the jump shot Dwayne Wade did.

That was in game 4 against the Bulls.

Anyway, I don’t have a picture because I forgot my camera.
But that was the night I almost dated Miranda Lambert.

The Bachelorette in 500 Words or Less: Episode 1 Ashley Meets the Guys

Welcome back to the 21st century version of Love Connection!

This season of the Bachelorette features Ashley Hebert (pronounced ‘a bear’) who’s determined to do things right this time around. Ashley finished third on Brad Womack’s season of The Bachelor. She blamed herself for coming up short, but vows that now she will leave with no regrets as she chooses between 25 guys. Episode 1 begins just like the other seasons did, with a little of Ashley’s history… an obvious plug for the benefits of recycling.

Let’s get right to the guys. Ryan P. emerges as a standout even though he made a Taylor Swift heart with his hands. Another early favorite is J.P., who says things like June One instead of June First. Jon comes out of the limousine wearing a pink tie then proceeds to pick Ashley up like a sack of potatoes. He was more successful than Mickey who attempted to give Ashley a gift on behalf of all the men in America, a kiss on the lips. Ashley avoided it, and Mickey went inside. To the average viewer, this may seem like an unrecoverable error for Mickey. However, I’ve observed behavior like this at the dog park. Male dogs will hump anything. Female dogs will just growl and let them keep trying. So Mickey will probably stick around till Ashley has to go home and realizes she doesn’t want to go home pregnant by a dog she met at a public park. Ben C. is a self-proclaimed romantic and Ashley seems to be smitten by him. Ben F. is a winemaker from California. This season’s villain is Bentley who is or isn’t bad news for Ashley, depending on who you ask. She was hoping he would have only one front tooth so her decision would be easy but it turns out he’s not from Kentucky. Tim, who admitted he was nervous around her, ends up drunker than a 21-year old doing the Tennessee Waltz at Florida State.

A couple of other standouts are West, who’s ready for love after dealing with the death of his wife, William who seems to be a pretty good match, Sir Gaga who vows to wear a mask till Ashley knows the real him, and Matt with his phone call to Mom while chatting with Ashley. Letting her talk to Mom is a clear sign he’s into her. If she doesn’t understand that, she should read this: 10 Signs He’s Into You.

Does anyone know why Chris Harrison often mentions that Ashley is meeting 25 of the most eligible bachelors? How can one bachelor be more eligible than another? Anyway, there are 6 guys who are even more eligible now. Tim, Anthony, Rob, Jon, Frank, Michael and Chris M. were sent home with no rose.

The first impression rose went to Ryan P. Then roses went to Sir Gaga (Jeff), Constantine, Ben F., Lucas, Stephen, Matt, Nick, Chris D., Ryan M., Blake, Mickey, Ben C., West, William, J.P., Ames and Bentley.

Check back next week for a another recap of The Bachelorette. See ya in two and two!

Chuck Woolery, host of The Love Connection


Sports, and Why Guys Like Them

Football. Baseball. Hockey. Basketball. Tennis. Soccer. Nascar. What do these sports have in common? There must be a winner. Of all the rules in all of sports (and let’s face it, in some sports there are way too many rules (yes I’m talking to you NFL)), requiring a winner is the single most attractive thing about sports. If you then connect this all-important rule to the male mind, it’s very easy to see why guys like sports. Because in a guy’s mind, there is order. There is a #1. There is a #2. There is a #3 and so on.Open up the passion for sports in a more broad fashion, and you’ll discover it’s more about competing than it is about the actual sport, though. My favorites to play are football and basketball. My favorite to watch is football. But my ultra favorite thing to do? Win. It can be pick-up basketball at the Y, it can be a 5K race or a race up the stairs. It can also be something as absurd as the Nashville Fantasy Bachelor League. Guys want to be #1. And when we can’t be, we cheer for a team we think can.

Lance Armstrong, Tour De France winner

A friend of mine is a self-proclaimed sports agnostic. He’s not against athletics, he’s not against athletes. But he is against those fanatics. If you’re interested, his thoughts on the subject are posted here. What I submit to him is the idea that sports should be viewed on a broader scale (like I mentioned, it’s more about competing).If my friend were to watch a football game the way he writes blogs, I think he may begin to understand. Yes, my friend is a writer. And before you say, “Well, no wonder the flower child doesn’t like sports! He’s one of those weirdo creative types,” you should know that he is an Alabama Crimson Tide fan as well (Now you have my permission to say it). His allegiance to Alabama is more for the sake of picking a side (Alabama or Auburn) than it is about actually liking the team, but hey, at least he’s aware that there are sides in that fight.When my friend writes, he spends time and energy making the delivery and presentation a top notch product. Why? It’s not so the reader will like it. It’s so the reader will like it more than anything else they read. When the Seattle Seahawks take the field against the New Orleans Saints they want to run the right plays and score points, but not just to play well. They want to win the game and be the best in the league. My friend writing to be the best and the Seahawks playing to be the best are the same thing.

Why guys likes sports can be summed up in four points.
Challenge. It’s exciting to push skills to the limit, and watch other people do the same.
Competition. An exciting way to measure talents, passions and skills.
Hitting. Guys like to hit things, or watch people hit things.
Hierarchy. There must be a #1. This idea is built into the male DNA. If you’re a guy, you are born with the desire to be king of the mountain, and have songs written about your halls. 

You Make Me Want To Be A Mom

You were the one He was waiting for.
An adventurous person,
content to follow His urging to become a mother of four.

From Key West to Key West,
miles and years between.
Shannon, Erin, Nathan and I know you’re the best,
the best Mom we’ve ever seen.

When I think about trust, faith, and living free,
shelter, confidence and Grace,
there is in my heart a restricted place
for the one that showed these things to me.

I love being an uncle, I love being a brother.
But most of all, I love that you’re my mother.

It’s unfair, only we can call you that.
But what a thrill, what a thrill!! to be your son.
You’ve set our lives on an amazing track
and the adventure isn’t done.

I can love sports and love my dog.
I can love the Lord and love my job.
I can love Tennessee and love beaches.
I suppose there’s no limit to where love reaches.

But of all that’s in my heart;
like passion, hope, truth and fire,
there will always be a place set apart
for the adventurer, teacher, the one that makes me want to be a mom,
Terry Davis Wilder.

Happy Mother’s Day, I love you!
Ben

August 1981 (from left to right: Mom, Erin, Shannon, Nathan, Ben)

Liking Michael Jackson and Disliking Osama bin Laden Makes You Cooler

You’re at a wedding. The couple begins their first dance as Mr. and Mrs. Suddenly the romantic ballad stops, and Michael Jackson’s “The Way You Make Me Feel” echoes through the banquet hall as the bride and groom perform a choreographed dance. Cool.

You’re standing on a rocky ledge at a marina. The water is calm until all of the sudden a gigantic while jumps over you. Cue percussion intro to “Will You Be There?” by Michael Jackson. Cool.

You’re watching the news announcing that bin Laden is dead and you put your American flag out, even though it’s night time. Cool.

In summary, if you need help making something cooler, add a Michael Jackson song or mention you’re strong dislike for the person responsible for September 11th. Adding a quick comment about what you would do if you found him works well here, too. For example, “If I was in Pakistan and found bin Laden, I’d tie him to a chair and tell him he can have face chat with his buddies in the cave on an iPhone 4 but then I’d drop the bomb that there’s no WiFi!” That kind of stuff is hardcore dislike.

Thank you to the military of the United States of America. You are stronger and cooler than any military anywhere (with or without a Michael Jackson song).