Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 6.

The Bachelorette meets Cheaters meets I Survived A Japanese Game Show.

If you saw this episode, you’re painfully aware (the first thirty minutes were dedicated to this) that Justin “Rated-R” Rego is long gone. Turns out, dun dun dun! he has a girlfriend. For more digression into all of that, read other recaps, I want to get to the good stuff! Afterall, The Driftwood Detectatory, II is nothing if not “good stuff.”
Seven guys remain after last week’s episode. They’re bunked up at the Hyatt in Instanbul, Turkey. It’s the normal routine of two one-on-one dates split in the middle by a group date. The first single date goes to Ty from Tennessee. Their date was at a Turkish bath. Ali informs us that usually only men are allowed there so she’s happy to be allowed inside. Is it an honor to have access to where men bathe? Really? I used to shower at the Y downtown and let me tell you, it’s no place for a woman. Think showers full of wrinkly naked men. With no shower dividers. Anyway, she and Ty rub lotion on each other and kiss a little. Ty has restored her faith in wrinkle-free men. Mine, too. The chemistry between these two is blowing up. Especially with the background drum track ripped from a 1997 soft porn video. Country singer Ty’s new nickname, “Ty Longnote,” if you know what I mean. It’s dinner time, so while they eat Ali asks him about his divorce. He explains why his first marriage went South, telling her he’s learned and become a better person because of it. He couldn’t appear more sincerely ready for a new attempt at marriage. Or, as he likes to call it, verse three. Ali offers Ty the rose and he accepts. They go outside and dance on the street.

Next up, the group date with Chris L., Roberto, Kirk, and Craig R. This date took place at a fifteenth-century fortress and had some surprises. First, no rose will be given out. Instead, the guys must wrestle covered in olive oil to win a date with Ali. Of all the athletic guys who remain, Craig (a lawyer) ends up winning and gets his first one-on-one date with Ali. Nice work, Craig! Maybe you won’t be pegged as “The Protective Big Brother” afterall. The rest of the guys return to the Hyatt and tell Frank the Smotherer all that happened, who’s surprisingly upset that all he can do is wait in devastating anticipation.

“Roberto is a really good oil wrestler.”
-Craig R.

Craig and Ali go out on a boat for dinner, where he jokes about olive oil wrestling. This was an attempt to belittle Justin (the professional wrestler), similar to his Kasey tattoo joke last week. Unfortunately it floats right by Ali’s little blonde head and Craig got no bonus points. Is it obvious here that Craig likes her, or more accurately, he wants to like her? Ali wants to like him, but knows something’s not there. His “protective big brother” characteristic bites him in the booty, never more clearly than when they watched fireworks from the boat. That’s when she called him, “so sweet,” which, if you’ve ever been a guy you know that’s the kiss of death. Just ask Krazy Kasey. She called him sweet in episode 1 and look where he is now. Last week I predicted Craig wouldn’t get a rose this week, and so far, he’s right on track.

The final date of the evening went to Frank the Smotherer. Before it started, Ali commented that she wants the old Frank back. I don’t think she has a clear recollection of “the old Frank” but hey, she wants what she wants. The date begins with snacking on some candy-like treats from a carpet shop, of course. The owner sells them a rug. So now they’re walking around Turkey with a huge rug from IstanKEA. Frank says he feels like they’re in a movie. Aha! He’s thinking back to the U.S. soccer game versus Algeria when Landon Donovan scored a late-game goal, the commentator exclaiming “Hollywood couldn’t write it any better!” Well watch out, Landon, Frank’s out to prove he can! Anyway, they chat over a romantic dinner. Ali confesses she’s scared about something, I don’t know, I was busy thinking about the Donovan goal. It was awesome! Ok, Ali feels really good around Frank the Smotherer. She smothers his chest with a rose. He accepts then smiles smothererly.

The cocktail party is cancelled and the guys are, guess what, shocked! Ali already knows who she’s going to eliminate and doesn’t want to delay. Roses went to Ty, Frank, Roberto, Chris L., and Kirk. Craig’s eliminated. Runner-up for quote of the episode goes to ABC for this one: “If you’d like to be on the upcoming season of the Bachelor or Bachelorette, go to bachelor.abc.com and click apply.” Don’t apply, we all know it’ll be Frank or Kirk.

Check back next week for a recap of episode 7!

A Few Things About Nashvillians

You volunteer to take your friend to the airport because you’re their friend and the gas around there is usually about 10 cents cheaper than anywhere else.

You don’t know if Franklin is a suburb of Nashville, or it’s own city.

While driving through the intersection of Edmonson Pike and Nolensville Road, you wonder which corner is actually Nipper’s.

You’re afraid to leave your car unprotected while you watch a movie at 100 Oaks Theater.

You’ve used the pedestrian bridge in downtown Nashville as your personal workout facility.

Listening to 107.5 on your way to work, you smile just a little when you hear “…it’s definitely not a Nashville party” in Miley Cyrus’ song.

You’re tired of Interstate 440 being “closed” on the weekends.

You work in Franklin, live in Hermitage, shop in Green Hills, leave East Nashville before nightfall, and have seen the ferris wheel at Carnival Kia in Antioch.

You think that driving 4 hours to IKEA in Atlanta is worthwhile.

In the Fall of 2009 you wished for snow. In February 2010, you regretted it.

Because of the heavy heavy snow in early 2010, your car is still somewhere on interstate 65, abandoned. With a green sticker on it.

Your snow sled was a piece of cardboard.

You will drive faster through a yellow light if the intersection doesn’t have traffic cameras.

You’ve seen more people turn left from the center lane than you can count.

When people ask you if the Pancake Pantry is good, you admit you’ve never been there.

Isn’t Vanderbilt in Nashville? Then why so many UT fans here? And why is UT the highlighted team on the local sports channel?

You’ve been to The Stadium Inn on the weekend for USWO Wrestling. Yes!

You skip the Tennessee State Fair but go to the Wilson County Fair, because let’s face it, it’s better.

You don’t like hockey, but you have friends that do.

You don’t have a boat, but you have friends that do.

You aren’t from here, and neither are your friends.

Personalities: The Thinker

Who you go to when you need someone wiser than yourself.

This person is often called “wise beyond their years,” which means, in most cases, they’ll act as if they were twice their real age. Along those same lines, the person you go to for wisdom may actually be twice your age. Your immediate circle of friends probably includes people close to your own age, but hey, having “The Thinker” in your corner is always a good thing, no matter how old they are or how often you communicate with them.A twenty-year-old male seeking advice from a forty-year-old male is an example the younger guy going to someone older, and through simply living, wiser. This brings up an interesting wrinkle in this personality category. While the twenty-year-old treats the forty-year-old as “The Thinker,” the forty-year-old may not be “The Thinker” in his own group of friends.

Likewise, in your group of friends you may find yourself filling the “The Party” role, but if you have a younger sibling or you’re involved with youth in your community, you could be “The Thinker” to them. This, perhaps, sets “The Thinker” apart from all the other personalities in that it can span multiple generations and lay on top of other personality types. In your group of friends, try to decide which is “The Thinker.” If you can’t narrow it down, or can’t think of one, reach out and find one. After all, that’s what someone twice your age would do, and they’re wise.

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 5.

Tonight I’ve realized out of the ten bachelors interested in this show (the nine guys left on the show, and me), I’m the crazy one. Why? Because it’s Tuesday night and I’m overwhelmed with excitement to catch up with episode 5. You see, I was out of town Monday night shooting video on the Gulf Coast and missed The Bachelorette, something most married men would consider a dodged bullet. Maybe that’s why I’m single. Watching The Bachelorette. On a Tuesday night. Alone. I’m pressing play now.

The crew’s in Iceland and all the guys are excited. The first task is to write a love poem to Ali. At stake, a one-on-one date. Some of the poems are funny, some are thoughtful, but let’s be honest here, they’re terribly corny. Ali picks Kirk as the winner, earning him his first one-on-one date of the season.A rose is on the line so if Kirk drops the ball, he’ll be going home. On their date, he and Ali are pretty natural together. They feed some geese in the wild tundra of Iceland. They also wear matching clothes. She asks him to tell her things she doesn’t already know but he’s nervous about something big in his past. By the end of the date, though, he tells her a little bit of his death-defying history and gets a rose.

Next up, the group date including Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig R., Ty, and Frank. It’s a horse ride out on the frozen mountainside. They travel up to a cave where Ty arises as a cowboy among justboys. Each of them repel down into the cave with Ali and freeze their little digits off. Chris L. offers Ali a pair of gloves, because he’s had two pairs of gloves this the whole time! Hello, it’s Iceland! Later, Ali calls Frank out on not smothering her enough. At the end of the date they all jump into the “magical” Blue Lagoon. The other bachelors (see how I’m excluding myself this time?) seem to be excited about the sausage fest in the warm lake. Ali pulls Ty aside to chat. I wonder what the other guys do while Ali’s with Ty? Probably say things like, “Is that an iscicle or are you just happy to see me?” Or “This pool is warm, isn’t it, guys?” Or “I feel a warmer spot, did someone just pee?” At the end of the group date, Ty gets the rose.

Time for the two-on-one date with Justin and Kasey. Ali will give a rose to one, and send the other home. Justin pretty much threatens to kick Kasey’s ice. Will Kasey reveal the tattoo? Will Justin tell Ali about it before Kasey can? I see a blizzard of iceberg proportions approaching! Ok, yes I miss Jonathan the weatherman. Anyway, the guys meet up with Ali at a helicopter and in Kasey’s voiceover, he still seems to think physical pain is the key to Ali’s heart. If it is, he’ll have his chance to bring the pain on their date at an active valcano. Honestly I don’t see this ending well for Kasey. Or the valcano. Justin gets the rose by default. Ali gives a classy break up speech to Kasey, then leaves him in the middle of the snowy embankment. That’s cold, Ali! No really, that’s cold.

The quote of the day goes to Kasey: “This physical pain is nothing to me. I like feeling pain.”

Before the rose ceremony the guys were given some time to be alone with Ali. Frank goes first and promises to turn the smother-meter up to full blast, Ali’s happy. Kisses. Fingers through hair. Kisses. Nasaly talking from Ali. Craig R. pulls out all the stops by drawing a tattoo a la Kasey on his arm. Ali eats it up, laughing all the way. That’s cold, guys! No really, that’s cold. Ali chats with Chris N. who talks about how funny he is. Awkward silence. Chris L. asks Ali what her concerns are. She says it’s location, location, location! Ali’s trusting this guy more and more, but I’m still concerned about his teeth. Does that make me wierd? Possibly. Or genius. Roberto is humble. We get that and I like him. So does Ali.

Roses go to: Kirk, Ty, Justin, Frank the Smotherer, Chris L., Roberto, and Craig R.
going home: Kasey and Chris N.

Check back next week for a recap of episode 6 where I predict Craig R. will be eliminated, and if there are two eliminations, Ty.

Sometimes I Wish I Had Gills

I was born in a hospital. But part of of me wishes I was hatched from an egg somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico. Even with all the stuff that’s going on with the oil spill, the Gulf has some of the most beautiful water. It’s normal to have anger towards BP, and the more I learn the more I do. But more than anything I’m sad. The sea creatures that are being affected by this disaster, I suspect we’ll never know the full extent. All we see are the animals that are close to shore being affected by the oil, but what about the ones near the spewing pipe? The dolphins, sea turtles, sharks, and other fish are suffering for a man-made mistake. Soon enough it will be hurricane season, so how will that play into this disaster? I’ve talked to a few people who live on the coast who say this hurricane season is a major concern. The oil in the Gulf is making the water temperature about fifteen degrees warmer than it should be this time of year. And hurricanes thrive over warm water. Can you imagine if a hurricane picked up all this oil and dropped it on the shore? If I had gills, I’d try to help clean up out there!