This Was Not A Date: After the Final Tulip

It’s been almost two full days. More information about the non-date date has come to my attention that you need to know, it’s only fair that you have the whole story. So take a journey with me, won’t you? If you need to get caught up before we move on, click here.

Now that you’re caught up, you’re probably wondering what’s up with that guy that pulled her aside, right? Well, I’ll get to that so sit tight. Let’s start with why we met up in the first place, basketball. She and I have only been friends for a short time, a lot of our conversations centering around basketball since both her favorite team and mine were still in the tournament. They both happened to play the same night, one the early game and one the late game Friday night. So would it be cool to meet up and watch the games? Sure. I mean, I was going to watch Florida State either way, it was just a matter of where. So she invited me to watch with her at Buffalo Wild Wings in Smyrna, a 30 minute drive from where I was. After stopping to pick up the tulips, I pushed the pedal to the metal so I wouldn’t miss much of the first half. I hastily pulled into a parking spot, decided to leave the tulips in the car and went inside. I found her sitting at a table near the bar. Good seats with a view of both games on television at the time. Once we hugged hello, I settled in, but soon realized I forgot my wallet in the car. I told her that, and as I went to retrieve it, she asked if the wallet thing was a trick so I could leave if I didn’t like her. You know, “Hey I forgot my wallet!” then I exit and never come back. I said, “what kind of guys do you go on dates with?” I would never do anything like that. Was that a signal this night would not go well? I don’t know.

I returned with the wallet. We went through the normal “get to know you” type questions, even following up on conversations we’d had in the previous few days. Important note to the reader: I’m not in relationships to play games. I know what I’m looking for and where I want to end up. This girl had enough going that I was interested in finding out more. And by “had enough going” I mean she was Asian. Ever since my trips to Vietnam, I’ve been slightly bent towards Asian women, and this girl is Thai. She had a great smile and little freckles under her eyes. I’m a sucker for freckles. She was kind and sometimes said my name when she talked to me, ie. “Uh oh, Florida State’s losing by four, Ben.” I found that flattering and disarming for some reason. I guess it’s true, people love hearing their own name spoken. Anyway, the night started off well. Then I ordered root beer.

She had a tall drink in front of her, not her first of the night, and not her last. I don’t drink alcohol, it’s not something I’ve ever enjoyed. I will, on occasion, do a shot or two but those occasions are rare and only with people I trust. Root beer was my drink of choice and the night went on. Our conversation slowly gave way to the basketball on television. I wasn’t concerned except that while our words decreased, her body language was in all caps. It was becoming more and more clear that something was not to her liking. We were sitting beside each other in order to face the projection screens, however she slowly shifted away and even rested her head in her hands, completely blocking her face. How am I supposed to have a conversation with that? She excused herself to the restroom a couple of times, I blamed it on the alcohol. The second time she took a potty break, she was gone for at least 20 minutes. I thought she left, the first embarrassing feeling of the night. Looking back, I wish she did leave. But she returned and the silence continued. It was so obvious that something was just not clicking when I tested my hunch. I asked her a few questions and without an ounce of thought, her answer was “no.” Ok, tell me you’re not having fun and let’s end it. Don’t just disengage and stop trying. Again, I don’t know what flipped her switch, but it was flipped and she was not the same person I sat down with earlier. We kept watching the games (I wasn’t about to leave when the Seminoles game was still on). Then the oddest thing happened. A guy approached her, talked quitely, then walked away.

It was like a movie script. And she played her part by excusing herself to chat with him for about 5 minutes at his table. I was very much taken off guard. Honestly, I didn’t know how to react but adrenaline began coursing through my veins as I wrote the rest of the script in my head. Looking back, I’m unsure if I was more confused by the guy for doing that, or angry at her for leaving our table to chat with him at his. I had zero confidence after that, feeling like everyone there was in on a joke and the joke was me. I’m so glad the English language has words for guys like him and girls like her. I used the time we spent not talking to brush up on these words. Maybe I should’ve stopped being a Christian for a few minutes and let both of them have a piece of my mind. I would’ve if someone had a camera… and an escape route, I mean who knows, he could’ve had a knife to overcompensate for his little body. Safety is a big concern, so I stayed a Christian the rest of the night. Once the Florida State game finished, I was ready to leave. That’s when our waitress Christy took about 45 more minutes to take care of the checks. We chatted a bit more, but by this time I was like, “uugggghhhh.” And I never use u and g and h like that. Eventually the food and beverages were paid for and we walked out. We hugged and said goodbye, both knowing this would never happen again. The next morning I sent her a kind email thanking her for the time spent, but also congratulating her on being my newest pet peeve. Move over people that turn left from the center lane, “Freckles of Fury” just took over #1! OK, I didn’t tell her that, I just wished her well on finding what she’s looking for and said I’d cheer for UNC when they faced Kentucky later that weekend. I also asked about the guy, deciding I deserve an explanation. Her response:

The guy was actually married and pulled me aside to make sure everything was ok. I was surprised myself. I wish you luck as well Ben and hope you make that special connection with someone soon. Thanks for the UNC support!

Well, guess what Fury, the jokes on you… I cheered for Kentucky!

The End.

This Was Not A Date

It finished with a 20 minute ride home shortly after midnight and the scent from tulips riding shotgun filling up the cab of my car. I don’t even remember if I turned on the radio, but I have a crystal clear memory of looking up to the dark starry sky hanging over Interstate 24 and laughing, asking God, “Did you just see that!?” I’m assuming he was aware that not long before my rhetorical yet not-so-rhetorical question I was sitting in a random restaurant in Smyrna, Tennessee. Where is Smyrna, I’m sure you’re dying to know. Drive Southeast from Nashville on I-24, exit 66B and you’re there. It’s a developing little town with stores and structures that are all less than 5 or 10 years old. To call it a suburb of Nashville is still an upgrade, but it’s not a bad little place, and not far away from the downtown entertainment of Music City. There’s a Buffalo Wild Wings off of Sam Ridley Parkway, and that’s where I sat for at least 30 minutes waiting to give my credit card to Christy, the waitress. She brought the checks by and yes, they were separate checks. This night did not begin as a date and it sure as hell never became one. I’m a gentleman, but you’ll know when I take you on a date. There won’t be any doubt. Christy failed to circle back around to pick up our forms of payment. The most difficult 30 minutes I’ve ever suffered through, and I survived Hurricane Andrew, the worst hurricane to hit the States up to that time. If I could go back and lay in the hallway with a mattress on top of me, desperately holding on to Belle’s collar, I would. Well, I would if it meant I could time travel away from Buffalo’s sitting across from “Freckles of Fury.” On the exterior, she was very attractive. A petite Asian girl with a great smile. But at this point, while we were waiting for Christy to return, it had probably been an hour or so since Fury smiled. I take that back, she smiled quite a bit in her conversations with people dining nearby. Her friendliness, in fact, was the first and last straw that compelled me to ask Christy for the checks.

Fury confessed that she frequents this Buffalos often because in Smyrna, what else is there to do? So she’s made a few friends around the bar. I’m being completely genuine in applauding that behavior. Friends are fantastic people. But I realized I was the odd man out. I wasn’t anyone’s friend there… all to clear when I looked around. Everyone was cheering for Kentucky, Ohio State or North Carolina. Me? Florida State. Remember that commercial when the Dolphin fan jumps up and claps in a sea of Buffalo Bills fans? Now you get it. And this was more than basketball. As the veil was lifted, I saw the glances from her “friends,” accompanied with whispers, laughter, and a unanimous agreement that I was the worst thing since fanny packs (which are awesome, by the way). So there we sat, me slightly interested in Fury, and throwing up a final attempt to make a connection. Hoping for a buzzer beater, I asked her a few questions that, with any normal human, would lead to more conversation. However, each was shot down with a quick and thoughtless, “no.” Rejected like a bad jump shot. It was then I realized she was more interested in everyone else, and even more importantly, this chick was annoying. But I’m glad she has bar friends because those are the friendships that last. So I asked Christy for the checks.

My concern about the success of the night was slowly becoming more important, but only after it was raised to threat level orange (the highest of all threat levels). Like a stinky Vietnamese hotel bed sheet, the story unfolded. I can say that because I’ve been to Vietnam (don’t spend the night on the boats in Ha Long Bay, that’s all I’m saying). Fury and I were at our table for about an hour and a half, sharing a basket of cheesesticks, when frat guy turned professional d-bag approached and chatted quitely with Fury, on her outside shoulder away from me. Is this really happening? Is this 5 foot 4 guy really doing this? Questions answered as he walked away and Fury turns to me and says, “I’ll be right back.” She goes and chats at a table with frat-bag. Of course, I was so embarrassed and yet, boiling mad. Ten years ago, I would not have handled this well on the spot. But I’m much wiser now, so upon her return and attempt at an explanation, I calmly said, “You don’t have to explain anything to me.” I kept watching my Noles but inside I was Evander Holyfield and Shorty McDeuche was taking a beating like a punching bag. That was the first visible sign this night was not going well.

Up to that point I was doing pretty OK. Perhaps I should’ve been more decisive when she all but accused me of being a terrible dog owner. Perhaps I should’ve taken note when she kept responding “What?” when I offered a question. Perhaps I should’ve taken secret option 3 when she thought it odd that I ordered root beer. Oh, option 1 was stick around. Option 2 was leave. Secret option 3 was toss the drink in her face and say, “My root beer brings all the girls to the yard!” then stomp out. I chose option 1 and it was all down hill after that. In my defense, I put myself out there. I met up with a girl and hoped for the dream. I didn’t know it would go the way it did. Success or failure is always on the table, and it’s impossible to know which will win. So that’s why, early in the evening, I jumped in my car and drove to Smyrna, stopping at a flower store on the way to pick up her favorites. Tulips.

click here for “This Is Not A Date: After the Final Tulip”
(further explanation of this non-date.)

Tulips I gave to Piper to make up for being a bad owner.

Second-by-Second Review of “Friday” by Rebecca Black

This is what music has come to, readers. Enjoy! Scroll down past the video to get my thoughts and synopsis of this song.

0:00 starts with a desk calendar featuring almost-familiar quotes for each weekday. Pencil video effect, nice touch.
0:03 I know watching this is a gigantic mistake.
0:11 clicked on the X to close annoying Mazda advertisement at the bottom of the screen.
0:12 the music video starts at midnight according to her clock. Hey Rebecca, 1993 called and they want their clock back.
0:30 so many words have been said. None have rhymed.
0:33 four friends show up in a convertible. Sweet. Now she can arrive at school in style.
0:36 slow motion waving. Slow motion peace sign.
0:42 she asks which seat she can take. Well, there’s 4 people and 5 seats. Can anyone say, backseat middle bump?
0:47 average looking friends “getting down” to chorus of song.
0:56 Ten and two, young man, ten and two.
1:00 backseat boy taps hand on car’s side, clearly off beat.
1:06 fun, fun, fun, fun. Wow, lots of fun.
1:08 sorta wishing I clicked on that Mazda ad.
1:10 evidently we don’t get to see the “fun” at school. Or what she ate for dinner. It’s already 7:45 and their unsafely driving around town with NO SEATBELTS ON! Billy Ray Cyrus would be proud.
1:10 car tires clearly not moving.
1:12 car dancing. I love car dancing. It’s almost as fun as car eating or car talking on the phone.
1:17 sprinkler dance: fail.
1:21 pink dress girl gets a shout out. “my friend is on my right.” Sorry other 3 girls in car. Maybe you’ll get a credit in her album liners.
1:24 car tires. Still not moving.
1:32 is she about to cry?
1:35 she still doesn’t know which seat to take. Listen, you’re already in the middle, just accept it and move on.
1:38 party time. Rebecca nearly clips friend when opening car door.
1:43 evidence for why there were at least 3 cars still there the next morning. This is not the year 3000! Headlights don’t turn themselves off, dorkwads.
1:47 is she getting more nasally? Is that possible?
1:51 pizza has arrived, party is moving indoors.
2:02 my favorite dance move she does: hands out, palms facing forward. Slight knee bend and lurch forward. Love it.
2:05 back to desk calendar and pencil video effect.
2:13 throughout the whole song I noticed her stellar grammar. Then this? How dare you, Rebecca. BTW, dropping the word “are” doesn’t make you street, Becc-dog! It doesn’t make you street. *sniff*
2:23 who knew learning the days of the week could be so educational and at the same time, so entertaining?
2:30 what is happening? Who is this?
2:41 why does seeing a school bus excite him?
2:46 can’t he sell drugs on weekdays, too?
2:49 evidently the party never went indoors like they led us to believe. Hollywood, uuuggghhhh.
2:58 poor tree. How long must it endure this song being replayed while shooting this video with no real way to retaliate? I miss the Lord of the Ring trees. They were awesome and they would’ve made things right.
3:10 ask the tree if it’s having “fun, fun, fun, fun.”
3:23 he must’ve caught up to the bus, he looks happy.
3:33 is it too late to click on the Mazda advertisement?
3:42 deep breaths. Deep breaths. How can I make up these 4 minutes? And the 30 minutes I spent writing this? UUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Volume 6: Balancing Doggy Instinct With Class.


This morning, being as pleasant as it was in Nashville, I took my dog for a walk. Before we made it out of the yard, she discovered some evidence of a rabbit in our yard. Not only did the evidence make it clear a rabbit had been there recently, it was enough evidence to suggest something more was happening. I continued with the plan to take the beagle for a walk. She was exceptionally supportive when we began our way back to the house. Normally the return trip is when she slows down and sniffs each and every thing possible. But this time, she was leading me the entire way back. She had the evidence fresh on her mind… and in her sensitive nostrils. For the sake of what might be found, I put Piper in her cage and ventured back outside to investigate. Our suspicions were confirmed when at least 3 pink newborn rabbits were deep down in a hole, covered in stray rabbit fur and loose grass. They were so young- no hair on their bodies yet, and unopened eyes. So how do I encourage the beagle to go with her instinct, yet at the same time clue her in that aggressively hunting newborn rabbits is just plain unclassy. Does she care about showing class? Should I teach the momma bunny a lesson? How do I keep a hunter from hunting and allow babies to become adults? Any ideas are welcome!

Volume 1: Sharing A House With Dog.

Volume 2: Sharing A Car With Dog.

Volume 3: Sharing A Yard With Dog.

Volume 4: Sharing Problems with Dog.

Volume 5: Teaching Dog To Respond Favorably.

Volume 6: Balancing Doggy Instinct With Class.

My Shower Playlist

Between the bathrobe and the fanny pack is the all important shower. The few minutes I spend there are often accompanied by music. A soundtrack to my shower, if you will. Here’s the current playlist:

“All 4 Love” Color Me Badd
A classic song from the early 90’s. For a entertaining performance of this song on the Arsenio Hall Show, watch the video below. Color Me Badd… a boy band before boy bands were boy bands. Consider them a cross between Boyz II Men and line dancing.

“All Across the Western World” Caedmon’s Call
One of my favorite bands I listened to during college. The band has a heart for people around the world, not just the United States. Some of my favorite songs are about the country and people of India. But they also have gritty, honest lyrics about living a life on the narrow path.

“All These Things That I’ve Done” The Killers
I consider this one of the best songs ever made. I’ve discovered multiple levels of meaning in it, and at times have thought the lyrics were about me. The song has nothing to do with wakeboarding. However in this video, it has everything to do with wakeboarding.

“I’m Scared” Duffy
Of all the songs I have on my computer/iPod/phone this is the only one I will never skip past. I don’t know if it’s her voice or the lyrics, but I must listen to it every time it plays.

“Uprising” Muse
A new favorite of mine. The band performed this song at the 2011 Grammy Awards and since then I’ve heard it on television, at hockey games, and in any situation that requires an adrenaline rush. Great song for the underdog and those fighting against oppression.

“Guiding Light” Muse
My first thought after hearing this song, “Wow.” I won’t lie, I often will listen to the song on repeat while I’m in the car. Four times? Five times? Ten times in a row? It’s not enough to catch the fascinating, compelling details and depth in this song.

“Kiss Your Feet” Delirious?
A fantastic reminder of what’s important. An even more fantastic reminder of WHO’S important. When it comes down to it, we were born for a simple and fulfilling purpose.

“Time for Me to Fly” REO Speedwagon
I’ve been a fan of REO Speedwagon for many years (since the first time I heard “Take It on the Run”). This is a well-written song about a sort of awakening someone has, realizing they’re in an unhealthy relationship and making the choice to move on. Great, great song. It can also be associated with pelicans.

“To Be With You” Mr. Big
Not sure why this is in my playlist other than it’s a song I liked a lot a long time ago. I still don’t know all the lyrics. Let’s be honest, can anyone really go wrong by including a song by Mr. Big? No.