The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 7: Shawntel State of Mind.

Valentines Day is over, so put the leftover Chinese food in the fridge, get on your pajamas, get a tub of ice cream out and read along to my recap of episode 7. This blog post is the most controversial ever (until next week), because Brad’s getting closer to the biggest decision of his life. What would you do faced with a choice that’ll affect the next year of your life? It’s a big deal, this Bachelor show. So who went home without a rose tonight? Who went topless at a photo shoot? And who is single-handedly ruining my Bachelor Fantasy hopes and dreams? Read on to find out!

Episode 7 was in the tropical paradise of Anguilla. Unlike previous shows, this one had 3 one-on-one dates and one group date. Date 1 went to the fan favorite, Emily. And if you weren’t aware, she’s a Brad favorite, too. They took a helicopter ride from a field close to the girls house out to Sandy Island. It’s a small island of sand. Oh wait. Ohhhhh, ok. Now I get it. The date started out with a bit of tension, they were both nervous but after Brad fessed up about his feelings, things went much better. The biggest impass they had was on the subject of Emily’s daughter. She’s extremely cautious about letting guys meet her, so Brad, in his obvious interest for Emily, and even breaking the show rules, told her he’d give her a rose at the rose ceremony later. He told her that just to put her at ease about the whole daughter thing. Classy move, Bradenator.

The next one-on-one date went to Shawntel N. It started with a bike ride to the farmers market. A sigh of relief was heard across the market when locals learned it wasn’t Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie looking to adopt again. It was Brawntel (cool! I just did a Brangelina name combo!). Brawntel danced. They drank. They jumped rope. Shawntel admitted she’s falling in love with Brad.
Brangelina and family

Brawntel ate dinner at Dune Preserve (a bar owned by reggae singer Bankie Banx). According to the sign, it’s at Lower Rendezvous Bay. They talked about their parents and how tough life was as a teenager. If only Katy Perry (Album: Teenage Dream) could’ve serenaded them back in 9th grade. Or Keenan Cahill. 

Instead, they got the next best thing, Bankie Banx himself! He’s the most famous singer in Anguilla. Brawntel kissed and they danced. They clapped for Bankie. Then, in classic white American style, they stripped down and swam in the night ocean. “When you’re with Shaaawwnteehheellll, sharks and big fish won’t harm you.” Yes, you should sing that to the tune of “Empire State of Mind.”

The final one-on-one date went to Britt. Call it what you want, but it was a last ditch effort to make any sort of non-you’re-more-like-my-little-sister connection with Britt. You know the date’s probably not going well when the guy won’t even come pick you up. They swam out to a yacht where Brad later dumped the heck out of her.

Highlight of the date when they were cliff jumping.
Britt: I’m scared.
Brad: 3,2,1 jump.
Britt jumps into ocean, doggie paddles to Brad.

She really was in over her head, figuratively speaking. She literally swam just fine. In fact, she’s probably a better swimmer than any of the other girls, but Brad doesn’t seem to care about buoyancy or her dog paddle speed. He seemed just as content to give her a side hug as he would’ve been to leave her up atop the cliff. I’m sure producers wanted her to jump so she could catch her flight home that night.
The group date began at 2:07am when Brad surprised 3 sleeping girls (Ashley H., Chantal O. and Michelle). At sunrise, they hit the beach for a Sports Illustrated photo shoot. It’s for the Swimsuit Edition, conveniently on store shelves around the country February 15th. Ashley vocalizes her concern about her own boobs, Chantal O. is feeling self-conscious and Michelle struts around like a clucking chicken. Anyway, this date obviously didn’t go well because all three of these girls are competitive, slightly emotional and at one point, two were topless. Yes, Ashley and Chantal decided it would be awesome to take their tops off. Brad didn’t like that the date started off bad and went down hill from there. Despite all the drama, Brad gave a rose to Ashley H. “I’m headed for a breakdoooown!” classic song by the Veggie Tales now joined in the chorus by Chantal O.

After all the drama, topless photos, crying, and back tattoos, roses went to: Ashley H., Emily, Shawntel N. and Chantal O.

Sent home were Britt and Michelle.

The Side Hug

“Well, it was nice to meet you, Greta,” Michael said.

“Nice to meet you, too, Michael,” she responds.

Michael takes a step towards her and opens his arms wide. Michael hasn’t touched a girl in a while. Unfortunately, Greta can see the desparation on his face. This does not sit well with Greta, and a hug would only make her feel vulnerable.

This kind of situation happens every day. Fortunately for Greta, she’s skilled in the art of…

Women have been executing side hugs for centuries. Why? Because men have been hugging them for centuries. I am not a woman, so any women readers out there can feel free to chime in, but I believe the side hug is used as a fantastic counter-manuever to a full frontal hug. Not unlike a “thank you” to an “I love you.” The idea here is to shift your shoulders next to the hugger, deflecting any uncomfort that could arise. Let’s check in with Greta and Michael.

As Michael steps in closer in an attempt to wrap his arms around her, Greta instinctively turns her body while extending only one arm towards Michael. This is key, so pay attention here. The other arm must remain lifeless, as if crushed by a large rock, lest Michael see movement and assume a front hug is happening.

As Greta extends the arm, she must also swiftly shift her outside shoulder up and away from Michael. In a successful side hug, Greta will be facing the same direction as Michael, a clear sign a frontal embrace will not be happening, and an even clearer sign that he’ll be going home alone again tonight. Lonely Michael goes back to the drawing board, while Greta can go home feeling good about herself and her ability to master the art of…

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 6: To The Bat Cave!

Brad + Eight girls + Costa Rica = Yep, thousands of lonely girls and their television on a Monday night. Who am I kidding!? Married women watch this, too, and that means married men watch. Yes, I’m talk about you Jonathan. You know it’s not just your wife watching. You’re winning the Nashville Fantasy League and since I’m the Commissioner of said Fantasy League, and I write this blog, I can call you out on national internet. You just got a genuine Brad Womack “WoSmack”!

The show begins. Brad first lead the girls to their Costa Rican villa, then gave them the first date card. The clue was, “Close your eyes, hold on tight. Love is in the air tonight,” and it went to Chantal O. This marked her second one-on-one date of the season. They take a helicopter ride up to an overlook where they eventually zip line over the rain forest. A zip line is where you’re harnessed in to a long wire and coast in a downward motion to certain death. In order for it to work properly, you need to launch from a higher spot than where you want to end up, thus allowing gravity to WoSmack you down to the grave. What am I talking about? It’s totally safe, that’s why Brad and Chantal zip lined over and over, they even spoonzipped. Awesome! It’s like spooning on the couch… except on a zip line. It’s probably called “spipped” or “zippooned” or something. Either way, they spipped a couple of more times down “the longest zip line in the world.” Ok, thanks. I don’t believe that. And I don’t believe this is “the most controversial season ever.” Next, they had a picnic dinner by a river and it rained again so they moved to Brad’s bachelor pad. She pretty much is in love with him at this point, and he’s sweet on her, too, so he offered her a rose. The group date went to Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley H., Shawntel and Britt. They did some repelling, which pissed off Michelle because she thought repelling was just for her and Brad. They all did well repelling. Or did they?

“Jackie might have soiled herself.” -Britt about Jackie repelling.

They all warmed up in the hot springs. Brad got some alone time with Jackie and Emily. Guess which one made it awkward and guess which one was cute? Michelle also got some time with Brad and admitted she was upset Chantal got a rose earlier in the episode. Guess which one was manipulative and which one finally grew some Costa Rican cohones?

“Meet me at the altar,” the next date card clue for Alli. She and Brad rode burros through a field and ended up near a bat cave. OK, they’re probably horses, but I like saying burros out loud. Brad said the cave was 40 million years old, much like we’re going to be when this date ends. And why does she get the cave date after Shawntel got a shopping spree? Call it a WoSmack to the face, but unless there’s a Batmobile about to take them to Makeout Bluff overlooking the downtown lights of Gotham City, this date was forgettable. “Holy charity date, Batman!” Brad and Alli had dinner out by the hot springs.

“We’re sinking.” -Alli on date with Brad. Like the Titanic, Alli, like the Titanic.

Of course Michelle had to do something scary, so she showed up at Brad’s house. Yeah, it worked out for the wrestler last season, so sure, go for it. That’s the story you want to tell your kids one day. “Hey Mikey, let me tell you how I met your father. There was this show…” meanwhile Brad’s thinking, “KKKK MMMM NNNN!!!” (reference to The Big Bang Theory). Before the rose ceremony Brad confronted Michelle about her behavior, Shawntel played the quiet game with Brad, kissed him, and then lost the quiet game. Ashley H. practiced adding the letter ‘a’ to words it doesn’t belong in, ie. “perfact.” Chantal O. told Brad she’s in love with him, the first girl to do this and on a completely related note, she’s also the girl with the most points in the Nashville/ Oklahoma City Fantasy Leagues. Isn’t that just perfact?

Girls who got a rose: Chantal O., Ashley H., Emily, Britt, Shawntel N. and Michelle.

WoSmacked: Alli and Jackie.

P.S. Remember the Rockette Keltie Colleen? She plays the lead actress in this phenomenal music video and song by Christina Perri, check it out:

Layers

Just got back from taking my dog for a walk. It’s so cold outside. She’s by the heater now.

Piper, the heater, Elvis lamp

I know, it’s February, it’s supposed to be cold. But it’s my choice to like it or not, and I choose not. Consider this a personal invitation for you to come baaaaaack! Yes, I’m talking to you Summer.

Summer, you're invited

The last muscle of my body to freeze up was my brain, so I used it to take notice of the wind. Today’s a windy day in Nashville. Wind makes colder the already cold air. In my natural desire to survive, I turned my back to the wind so the brunt of the coldness was absorbed or deflected by my jacket and hood and I thought to myself, “This is why I layered up.” The more layers I have between my skin and the undesirable, the better. “I’m a genius,” I thought to myself. The only exposed part of my body was my face, so I did what I could to keep it from direct contact with the wind.

Piper walk

And while my dog nosey’d on through neighboring yards, I began to compare the layers I was wearing to the layers I wear between me and other people. I protect myself against the undesirable. Why don’t I approach that pretty girl? Why don’t I take public speaking opportunities? Why don’t I give my money more freely? I find a reason to instead check my phone for messages.

Verizon on Motorola Droid

I say my schedule is already too busy. I think I should save, save, save for when I really need the money.

Savings account

Those are all excuses and excuses are just layers between me and the potentional for rejection, embarrassment, or need. To strip away these layers? Yes, I may face some undesirable outcomes, but why not assume the best? There is just as much an opportunity for acceptance, success, and freedom. So I guess the challenge is to face the undesirable, hope for the best, and jump in with both feet. Will you accept the challenge? Will I?

How many challenges did He-Man turn down? Zero.

He-Man and Battlecat

Then and Now and Later

Writing is something I started doing simply as a hobby. It was a way to document what was going on in my life (I have journals dating back to 1997 as a freshman at Florida State University). It’s also a good way to release some emotion, whether it be happy posts like Mustache Friday, or more thoughtful posts like Learn Slow But Steadfast and Where Are All The Men. And yes, the occasional feisty post, Pet Peeves. But I am excited to reach 40,000 views! And along with that milestone, I also just published my 100th post. Thank you for reading. Like I said, it’s a hobby and I truly enjoy it. To have people read, comment and like what I write, it means a whole lot. To celebrate, I’d like to toss a few ideas out there and write about the idea that gets the most feedback. Please respond and with the majority support, it shall be done!

Here are the choices:

The Side Hug

A Love Story, Part 5 (continued from here: A Love Story, Part 1)

Nashville Intersections

Funny City Names on a Normal U.S. Map

Beagle Up! An Uneducated Diagram of Beagle Body Parts And Why They Are Built That Way.