A quote from Betty White

It started as a search to find the exact quote from Betty White concerning Facebook. Spoiler alert, she thinks it’s a huge waste of time. I couldn’t help but read more of her statements and came across one that I automatically loved.

“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”

Animal people are simply better people. Try to prove me wrong, I dare ya!

-Out of the Wilderness

Wacky Wednesday: I Will Remember Hashtags

desireeSo I finally caught the first episode of the Bachelorette starring Desiree Hartsock. Anticipation had been building for weeks, but mostly for the Bachelorette Fantasy League I’m involved in!  In almost any form, I love competition. Anyway, from shirtless guy to the knight in shining armor, these guys should just be called “future former contestants” because they have no chance. I wish future Wesley (The Baby Bachelor) would time travel back to 2013 and slap us all in the face for watching these shows. Kasey (social media guy contestant) is hashtagging everything in sight. So how long does it take for “business” to make something popular unpopular? No, no State Farm Insurance, I will not like you on Facebook. And thanks but no thanks, Kentucky Fried Chicken… I will not tweet anything about #iatethebones. If you’re reading this in 2035, I promise we did cool stuff back in 2013 besides tweeting and tumblring. 

-Out of the Wilderness

Betty White on Facebook

“Now that I do know what it is, I have to say, it seems like a huge waste of time.”
–Betty White about Facebook, May 2010

So recently a friend of mine challenged me to get my Facebook friends down to 13. To give you some context… I’ve chatted quite a bit with him about the pros and cons of Facebook, he’s never been on Facebook, and he knows I’m competitive. I’ve come down to 40 38 32 31 13 14 18 friends so far and I’m thinking Betty White was right. Trust me, I can waste my time doing much more productive things than Facebook!

Single White Male Seeks Single Female with Benefits

This is what the headline would say if my parents believed in arranged marriages and for the most part, I agree with it. I’m single. I’m white. I’m a male. I’m looking for a single female. Whether she has benefits or not, well, this is where the story begins.

I was a bright-eyed college graduate heading into the world not unlike a newborn foal wobbling into a field for the first time; in my mind a majestic and powerful force, in reality a newbie with toothpicks for legs. What this foal needed was some stability, and fast! But it wouldn’t be found in a job. I worked at a summer camp, for a temp agency, in tour marketing, for a non-profit organization, and doing maintenance at a church. None of those jobs screamed “security!” Common questions my parents asked were, “Do you go to the doctor? Have you found a dentist? Do you have insurance? Have you met anyone special?” Common answers, “Of course. Not yet. Of course. Not yet.” Around this time my dad started a joke with single girls he met. He’d ask them if they had a job with benefits. He was looking to get me a wife, a task parents often volunteer for whether their children approve or not. I think secretly he was just looking for a laugh, and in that regard, it worked. But as I got older, I found steady work. I went to the doctor. I started flossing. Unfortunately, though, I never outgrew the joke. That is, until this weekend.

Family and friends from all over the eastern United States gathered in Florida to mourn the loss and celebrate the life of Helen Walters Davis, a 100-year-old sister, mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother (you can check out her 100th birthday bash by clicking here). The funeral of this fine lady was especially tough because only a few months earlier we gathered to bury Foster Davis, her husband and my grandfather. I wrote up something about that rascally war veteran here. Given the circumstances, the family was smiling as much as possible, even in the midst of tears and hugs. There was also laughter because when my family gets together, it’s just plain funny. Think “Meet the Parents,” “Father of the Bride,” and “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” all rolled into a perfect little Hallmark Channel original. But the romantic comedy that is my life had a dramatic scene just after the funeral ended.

The two limousines were waiting at the church entrance to drive us back to my grandparents house. Only something was different. One of the original drivers had to leave for another funeral so there to take his place was an attractive brunette in her mid-twenties. The family network lit up with excitement. Evidently the perfect way to recover from a funeral is to plan a wedding because save the date’s were practically printing themselves. I quickly became the man of the hour. Even the other limo driver was offering ideas on how to make it happen. I stalled long enough to dodge having to propose to her right there on the church steps so we were now on our way to the house. The likelihood this new opportunity would turn into anything significant was so small, yet, there was a chance. So my brother and I bounced around a few ideas of how I could strike up a conversation when she arrived in the second limo. How could I introduce myself? Was there a clever and appropriate way to hit on a girl… at my grandmother’s funeral? When did I become Will Ferrell in “Wedding Crashers”? Anyway, the plan was coming together. Until my dad showed up. In a flurry of flowers, hugs, finding keys, and making plans, I looked up to see him chatting with the pretty driver. My world came crashing down in bricks of holidays off, health coverage, and decent company 401k-matching. Yep, he asked her if she had benefits. My strategy then became damage control so the first thing I said to her was, “I’m sorry.” She was a good sport about it all but I knew having an adult conversation at this point was pointless.

If there was anything good that came from this experience, it certainly wasn’t a blossoming relationship with that girl. It was the conversation I had with my parents later that afternoon. I confronted my dad about the on-going joke and how his version of encouragement was actually discouraging. I also brought up the Christmas newsletter my mom wrote in which she talked about everything happening with the family, but pointed out what’s not happening with me (finding a wife). I love my parents for being involved. I would never want to experience the alternative but sometimes their concern is a little too tangible. It’s a little too hands-on. I expressed to them that as a single guy in my early thirties, I’m in a great place they’ve never experienced. When my dad was in his early thirties, he already had four kids. That’s not the way my story’s going but I’m happy and they’re on-board with encouraging me where I am, not just where they want me to be. Soon enough there will be a love interest in this epic romantic comedy I’m living in. But for now, I’m single. I’m white. I’m wondering if that limo driver is on Facebook.

Just kidding.

Top Ten Signs You’re Single This Christmas

10. When you get to your company Christmas party, you hear someone announce, “The fruitcake has arrived!” but you brought cookies.

9. Your most recent Facebook status: “my chesnuts havent roasted on an open fire in months. lol”

8. You haven’t shaved your legs since October because, “Hey, it’s winter, I’ll just wear jeans.”

7. At every white elephant party you attend, you launch into a lengthy diatribe about the plight of the albino elephant. Then you storm out.

Full House

6. Christmas morning consists of waking up, eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes, and watching the Christmas episode of Full House, the one where the Tanners get stuck in an airport terminal. Everyone’s worried Santa won’t find them but then a man shows up who looks like Santa. They all think it’s Uncle Joey but then it turns out it was the real Santa.

5. Christmas lights in your yard have no recognizable pattern, until you see them from the air. It reads “Got A Spouse?”

4. You aren’t currently dating anyone.

3. You volunteer to be Santa at the mall and after kids tell you their wish, you tell them your wish is to meet their mom.

2. Your name is Kobe Bryant.

1. You get fired as Santa at the mall when you walk into Victoria’s Secret confessing to the women it’s not a candy cane in your pocket, and yes, you’re happy to see them.