About Getting A New Air-Conditioner

Today I went home for lunch. Not an untypical event on a week day.

Since I became a dog owner, I go home to let my dog out of her crate for a little while.
Today was different though. Attention was focused on my home’s teenage air-conditioner.
The life expentancy of an air-conditioner is about 15 years. Mine’s defying all odds. Today it took a turn for the worse, though.
I still have heat, but I think the whole air-conditioning part (meaning: cold air) is only a sweet memory.

Like a rich divorced doctor, I think I’ll be exchanging this with a newer, better looking replacement.

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 8: Brad looks like Chantal’s dad, dresses like Ashley’s dad, and might be Emily’s daughter’s dad.

Some take pills, some just wait it out, but what better medicine for a sinus infection than a brand new episode of The Bachelor? Right, that’s why I went to the doctor today. The big surprise is that Brad emailed this poem to me after the show aired on Monday night. I guess the hometown dates really touched him, so what better way to recap episode 8 than just copy and paste?

There are four girls left who are here for the right reason.
Me. I’m Brad Womack, The Bachelor on this 15th season.
It’s time to meet their folks, so I’m hopping on a plane.
Four girls, and their parents, this is gonna be insane.

First I’m going to Washington to hang with Chantal O.
I’m excited to meet her parents and her bro.
Chantal said she’s in love with me, but often mentions her ex.
He’s probably a d-bag, with small pecs.
So here I am in Washington state,
hoping for a spectacular hometown date.
Chantal has a dog, a tiny poof ball named Boca.
We hung out on the couch and drank Corona.

I met Chantal’s dad and he seems cool.
Did he and I graduate the same year of high school?

Her parents are rich. I could tell by the 15 foot high front doors,
Chantal talked about her ex some more.

We sat down for a home-cooked meal.
This is all getting frighteningly real.

A statue, a purple shirt, and a few hours later,
I still can’t decide if I want to just date her.

You are Ashley H.
I’m flying to Maine for our hometown date.

You greeted me near in a field, it was good to see you again.
But if you say “disconnected” one more time, I’m going to let you in…
on a secret only I know.
I won’t propose.
You add ‘a’ to everything you say.
Perfect has two e’s, same with the word ‘level.”
it’s not perfact, or leval, your heart will be broken among the several.
Oh, and ‘several’ actually does have an ‘a’.

Can I be honest here? I like your family when I visited them with you.
I still remember your sisters chest tattoo.
Is she still single?
I want to mingle.
Give her a Pringle.
And sing her a jingle.

After chatting with your dad and grabbing some dinner
it’s clear they want you to be the winner.
But I never asked for your family’s blessing.
My love for you with the final rose, no, I won’t be professing.

My next trip was to California.
The girl who lives here has a strange job, let me warn ya.
She’s a funeral director,
sort of a dead body inspector,
and a preservation-liquid injector.

I don’t think she can leave her hometown.
Which has got me feeling down.

Her dad looks like Charlie Chase,
you know, Charlie Chase!

At dinner we talked a lot about death,
and earlier Shawntel showed where my cremated body will rest.

I like Shawntel, but not sure if this will work.
But if I dump her now, I’ll seem like a jerk.
I know, I’ll wait till the rose ceremony and give roses to everyone but her.
That’s the plan.
I’m the man.

The last date was with Emily the dream.
I got to meet her daughter, Ricki and we had a picnic theme.
I brought her a kite,
thinking she’d like.
Emily and I’s date centered around us three.
Emily, Ricki, and me.
After her daughter went to bed, I sat with Emily on the couch.
Then I said something that made Emily pout.

I told her I wouldn’t kiss her out of respect.
But then later she kissed me and touched my pecs.

All in all, I had 4 good dates.
Each had a family in which I could relate.
Except for Shawntel, who I sent on her way.
She didn’t get a rose and that’s for the best.
The whole embalming and funeral director thing was a failing test.

Plus I don’t want to live in Chico.

I’m grateful for the time we’ve had.
Next week we’re going to South Africa,
I’m Brad.

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 7: Shawntel State of Mind.

Valentines Day is over, so put the leftover Chinese food in the fridge, get on your pajamas, get a tub of ice cream out and read along to my recap of episode 7. This blog post is the most controversial ever (until next week), because Brad’s getting closer to the biggest decision of his life. What would you do faced with a choice that’ll affect the next year of your life? It’s a big deal, this Bachelor show. So who went home without a rose tonight? Who went topless at a photo shoot? And who is single-handedly ruining my Bachelor Fantasy hopes and dreams? Read on to find out!

Episode 7 was in the tropical paradise of Anguilla. Unlike previous shows, this one had 3 one-on-one dates and one group date. Date 1 went to the fan favorite, Emily. And if you weren’t aware, she’s a Brad favorite, too. They took a helicopter ride from a field close to the girls house out to Sandy Island. It’s a small island of sand. Oh wait. Ohhhhh, ok. Now I get it. The date started out with a bit of tension, they were both nervous but after Brad fessed up about his feelings, things went much better. The biggest impass they had was on the subject of Emily’s daughter. She’s extremely cautious about letting guys meet her, so Brad, in his obvious interest for Emily, and even breaking the show rules, told her he’d give her a rose at the rose ceremony later. He told her that just to put her at ease about the whole daughter thing. Classy move, Bradenator.

The next one-on-one date went to Shawntel N. It started with a bike ride to the farmers market. A sigh of relief was heard across the market when locals learned it wasn’t Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie looking to adopt again. It was Brawntel (cool! I just did a Brangelina name combo!). Brawntel danced. They drank. They jumped rope. Shawntel admitted she’s falling in love with Brad.
Brangelina and family

Brawntel ate dinner at Dune Preserve (a bar owned by reggae singer Bankie Banx). According to the sign, it’s at Lower Rendezvous Bay. They talked about their parents and how tough life was as a teenager. If only Katy Perry (Album: Teenage Dream) could’ve serenaded them back in 9th grade. Or Keenan Cahill. 

Instead, they got the next best thing, Bankie Banx himself! He’s the most famous singer in Anguilla. Brawntel kissed and they danced. They clapped for Bankie. Then, in classic white American style, they stripped down and swam in the night ocean. “When you’re with Shaaawwnteehheellll, sharks and big fish won’t harm you.” Yes, you should sing that to the tune of “Empire State of Mind.”

The final one-on-one date went to Britt. Call it what you want, but it was a last ditch effort to make any sort of non-you’re-more-like-my-little-sister connection with Britt. You know the date’s probably not going well when the guy won’t even come pick you up. They swam out to a yacht where Brad later dumped the heck out of her.

Highlight of the date when they were cliff jumping.
Britt: I’m scared.
Brad: 3,2,1 jump.
Britt jumps into ocean, doggie paddles to Brad.

She really was in over her head, figuratively speaking. She literally swam just fine. In fact, she’s probably a better swimmer than any of the other girls, but Brad doesn’t seem to care about buoyancy or her dog paddle speed. He seemed just as content to give her a side hug as he would’ve been to leave her up atop the cliff. I’m sure producers wanted her to jump so she could catch her flight home that night.
The group date began at 2:07am when Brad surprised 3 sleeping girls (Ashley H., Chantal O. and Michelle). At sunrise, they hit the beach for a Sports Illustrated photo shoot. It’s for the Swimsuit Edition, conveniently on store shelves around the country February 15th. Ashley vocalizes her concern about her own boobs, Chantal O. is feeling self-conscious and Michelle struts around like a clucking chicken. Anyway, this date obviously didn’t go well because all three of these girls are competitive, slightly emotional and at one point, two were topless. Yes, Ashley and Chantal decided it would be awesome to take their tops off. Brad didn’t like that the date started off bad and went down hill from there. Despite all the drama, Brad gave a rose to Ashley H. “I’m headed for a breakdoooown!” classic song by the Veggie Tales now joined in the chorus by Chantal O.

After all the drama, topless photos, crying, and back tattoos, roses went to: Ashley H., Emily, Shawntel N. and Chantal O.

Sent home were Britt and Michelle.

The Side Hug

“Well, it was nice to meet you, Greta,” Michael said.

“Nice to meet you, too, Michael,” she responds.

Michael takes a step towards her and opens his arms wide. Michael hasn’t touched a girl in a while. Unfortunately, Greta can see the desparation on his face. This does not sit well with Greta, and a hug would only make her feel vulnerable.

This kind of situation happens every day. Fortunately for Greta, she’s skilled in the art of…

Women have been executing side hugs for centuries. Why? Because men have been hugging them for centuries. I am not a woman, so any women readers out there can feel free to chime in, but I believe the side hug is used as a fantastic counter-manuever to a full frontal hug. Not unlike a “thank you” to an “I love you.” The idea here is to shift your shoulders next to the hugger, deflecting any uncomfort that could arise. Let’s check in with Greta and Michael.

As Michael steps in closer in an attempt to wrap his arms around her, Greta instinctively turns her body while extending only one arm towards Michael. This is key, so pay attention here. The other arm must remain lifeless, as if crushed by a large rock, lest Michael see movement and assume a front hug is happening.

As Greta extends the arm, she must also swiftly shift her outside shoulder up and away from Michael. In a successful side hug, Greta will be facing the same direction as Michael, a clear sign a frontal embrace will not be happening, and an even clearer sign that he’ll be going home alone again tonight. Lonely Michael goes back to the drawing board, while Greta can go home feeling good about herself and her ability to master the art of…

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 6: To The Bat Cave!

Brad + Eight girls + Costa Rica = Yep, thousands of lonely girls and their television on a Monday night. Who am I kidding!? Married women watch this, too, and that means married men watch. Yes, I’m talk about you Jonathan. You know it’s not just your wife watching. You’re winning the Nashville Fantasy League and since I’m the Commissioner of said Fantasy League, and I write this blog, I can call you out on national internet. You just got a genuine Brad Womack “WoSmack”!

The show begins. Brad first lead the girls to their Costa Rican villa, then gave them the first date card. The clue was, “Close your eyes, hold on tight. Love is in the air tonight,” and it went to Chantal O. This marked her second one-on-one date of the season. They take a helicopter ride up to an overlook where they eventually zip line over the rain forest. A zip line is where you’re harnessed in to a long wire and coast in a downward motion to certain death. In order for it to work properly, you need to launch from a higher spot than where you want to end up, thus allowing gravity to WoSmack you down to the grave. What am I talking about? It’s totally safe, that’s why Brad and Chantal zip lined over and over, they even spoonzipped. Awesome! It’s like spooning on the couch… except on a zip line. It’s probably called “spipped” or “zippooned” or something. Either way, they spipped a couple of more times down “the longest zip line in the world.” Ok, thanks. I don’t believe that. And I don’t believe this is “the most controversial season ever.” Next, they had a picnic dinner by a river and it rained again so they moved to Brad’s bachelor pad. She pretty much is in love with him at this point, and he’s sweet on her, too, so he offered her a rose. The group date went to Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley H., Shawntel and Britt. They did some repelling, which pissed off Michelle because she thought repelling was just for her and Brad. They all did well repelling. Or did they?

“Jackie might have soiled herself.” -Britt about Jackie repelling.

They all warmed up in the hot springs. Brad got some alone time with Jackie and Emily. Guess which one made it awkward and guess which one was cute? Michelle also got some time with Brad and admitted she was upset Chantal got a rose earlier in the episode. Guess which one was manipulative and which one finally grew some Costa Rican cohones?

“Meet me at the altar,” the next date card clue for Alli. She and Brad rode burros through a field and ended up near a bat cave. OK, they’re probably horses, but I like saying burros out loud. Brad said the cave was 40 million years old, much like we’re going to be when this date ends. And why does she get the cave date after Shawntel got a shopping spree? Call it a WoSmack to the face, but unless there’s a Batmobile about to take them to Makeout Bluff overlooking the downtown lights of Gotham City, this date was forgettable. “Holy charity date, Batman!” Brad and Alli had dinner out by the hot springs.

“We’re sinking.” -Alli on date with Brad. Like the Titanic, Alli, like the Titanic.

Of course Michelle had to do something scary, so she showed up at Brad’s house. Yeah, it worked out for the wrestler last season, so sure, go for it. That’s the story you want to tell your kids one day. “Hey Mikey, let me tell you how I met your father. There was this show…” meanwhile Brad’s thinking, “KKKK MMMM NNNN!!!” (reference to The Big Bang Theory). Before the rose ceremony Brad confronted Michelle about her behavior, Shawntel played the quiet game with Brad, kissed him, and then lost the quiet game. Ashley H. practiced adding the letter ‘a’ to words it doesn’t belong in, ie. “perfact.” Chantal O. told Brad she’s in love with him, the first girl to do this and on a completely related note, she’s also the girl with the most points in the Nashville/ Oklahoma City Fantasy Leagues. Isn’t that just perfact?

Girls who got a rose: Chantal O., Ashley H., Emily, Britt, Shawntel N. and Michelle.

WoSmacked: Alli and Jackie.

P.S. Remember the Rockette Keltie Colleen? She plays the lead actress in this phenomenal music video and song by Christina Perri, check it out: