Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 5.

Tonight I’ve realized out of the ten bachelors interested in this show (the nine guys left on the show, and me), I’m the crazy one. Why? Because it’s Tuesday night and I’m overwhelmed with excitement to catch up with episode 5. You see, I was out of town Monday night shooting video on the Gulf Coast and missed The Bachelorette, something most married men would consider a dodged bullet. Maybe that’s why I’m single. Watching The Bachelorette. On a Tuesday night. Alone. I’m pressing play now.

The crew’s in Iceland and all the guys are excited. The first task is to write a love poem to Ali. At stake, a one-on-one date. Some of the poems are funny, some are thoughtful, but let’s be honest here, they’re terribly corny. Ali picks Kirk as the winner, earning him his first one-on-one date of the season.A rose is on the line so if Kirk drops the ball, he’ll be going home. On their date, he and Ali are pretty natural together. They feed some geese in the wild tundra of Iceland. They also wear matching clothes. She asks him to tell her things she doesn’t already know but he’s nervous about something big in his past. By the end of the date, though, he tells her a little bit of his death-defying history and gets a rose.

Next up, the group date including Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig R., Ty, and Frank. It’s a horse ride out on the frozen mountainside. They travel up to a cave where Ty arises as a cowboy among justboys. Each of them repel down into the cave with Ali and freeze their little digits off. Chris L. offers Ali a pair of gloves, because he’s had two pairs of gloves this the whole time! Hello, it’s Iceland! Later, Ali calls Frank out on not smothering her enough. At the end of the date they all jump into the “magical” Blue Lagoon. The other bachelors (see how I’m excluding myself this time?) seem to be excited about the sausage fest in the warm lake. Ali pulls Ty aside to chat. I wonder what the other guys do while Ali’s with Ty? Probably say things like, “Is that an iscicle or are you just happy to see me?” Or “This pool is warm, isn’t it, guys?” Or “I feel a warmer spot, did someone just pee?” At the end of the group date, Ty gets the rose.

Time for the two-on-one date with Justin and Kasey. Ali will give a rose to one, and send the other home. Justin pretty much threatens to kick Kasey’s ice. Will Kasey reveal the tattoo? Will Justin tell Ali about it before Kasey can? I see a blizzard of iceberg proportions approaching! Ok, yes I miss Jonathan the weatherman. Anyway, the guys meet up with Ali at a helicopter and in Kasey’s voiceover, he still seems to think physical pain is the key to Ali’s heart. If it is, he’ll have his chance to bring the pain on their date at an active valcano. Honestly I don’t see this ending well for Kasey. Or the valcano. Justin gets the rose by default. Ali gives a classy break up speech to Kasey, then leaves him in the middle of the snowy embankment. That’s cold, Ali! No really, that’s cold.

The quote of the day goes to Kasey: “This physical pain is nothing to me. I like feeling pain.”

Before the rose ceremony the guys were given some time to be alone with Ali. Frank goes first and promises to turn the smother-meter up to full blast, Ali’s happy. Kisses. Fingers through hair. Kisses. Nasaly talking from Ali. Craig R. pulls out all the stops by drawing a tattoo a la Kasey on his arm. Ali eats it up, laughing all the way. That’s cold, guys! No really, that’s cold. Ali chats with Chris N. who talks about how funny he is. Awkward silence. Chris L. asks Ali what her concerns are. She says it’s location, location, location! Ali’s trusting this guy more and more, but I’m still concerned about his teeth. Does that make me wierd? Possibly. Or genius. Roberto is humble. We get that and I like him. So does Ali.

Roses go to: Kirk, Ty, Justin, Frank the Smotherer, Chris L., Roberto, and Craig R.
going home: Kasey and Chris N.

Check back next week for a recap of episode 6 where I predict Craig R. will be eliminated, and if there are two eliminations, Ty.

Sometimes I Wish I Had Gills

I was born in a hospital. But part of of me wishes I was hatched from an egg somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico. Even with all the stuff that’s going on with the oil spill, the Gulf has some of the most beautiful water. It’s normal to have anger towards BP, and the more I learn the more I do. But more than anything I’m sad. The sea creatures that are being affected by this disaster, I suspect we’ll never know the full extent. All we see are the animals that are close to shore being affected by the oil, but what about the ones near the spewing pipe? The dolphins, sea turtles, sharks, and other fish are suffering for a man-made mistake. Soon enough it will be hurricane season, so how will that play into this disaster? I’ve talked to a few people who live on the coast who say this hurricane season is a major concern. The oil in the Gulf is making the water temperature about fifteen degrees warmer than it should be this time of year. And hurricanes thrive over warm water. Can you imagine if a hurricane picked up all this oil and dropped it on the shore? If I had gills, I’d try to help clean up out there!

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Ali Update.

In episode 1, Ali Fedotowsky rattled off a list of promises she’s hoping to fulfill this season. After numurous accusations of who’s “here for the right reasons” and a plethora of eliminations, let’s see how things are shaping up for her.

Promise #1: Ali will not going to let fear hold her back.
Early on she claimed to be afraid of flying, so with all the flying she’s done and the highwire act with Roberto on their date, she’s doing pretty well with this promise.

Promise #2: to find that guy.
If “find that guy” means “make out session with ten plus guys,” mission accomplished. Boots may have been made for walking, but Ali’s lips weren’t made for talking, if you know what I mean. This promise will end up unfulfilled. Ali may indeed get married at some point, but she will not find lifelong love via “The Bachelorette.”

Promise #3: she’s not going to let go of love this time.
Until she does.

Promise #4: she’s going to be strong.
She never clarified this promise. Did she mean physically strong? I haven’t seen her doing any push-ups or sit-ups. I see little to no definition in her arms, although there are signs of exercise in her abdomenal region. Maybe she meant emotionally strong? In the end, I hope she’s able to stand strong, stand proud, because voices that care are crying out loud.

Promise #5: not let everything that scared her in the past hold her back.
Only she knows what scared her in the past. Evidently she’s never been body slammed or watched Single White Female. Otherwise she would’ve eliminated Justin and Kasey much sooner.

Promise #6: to grow and become a better person.
The only thing growing is the risk of herpes of the mouth. That, and ringworm. I’m just saying ringworm spreads quickly, especially among wrestlers. I may or may not know that first hand, I’m just saying.

Promise #7: leave with no regrets.
There will be experiences she regrets from this season of the show. Not getting rid of Kasey sooner, for one.

Promise #8: move forward with an open mind and heart.
Seeing as how it’s impossible to move backwards, she’ll do fine here. I can’t say whether her mind and heart are open, but her mouth certainly is, if you know what I mean, heyyyoooo!

Promise #9: hoping she’s standing in some amazing place with tears in her eyes looking at a man down on one knee asking her to be his wife.
Hard to tell on this one. In episode 4 as she got her makeover, the makeup artist asked if the man she’d “end up with is here”? She responded with, “I do. I really, really do.” Sounds like she’s trying to convince herself. Too bad she let Craig M. go.

Check back soon for an update of episode 5!

Finders Keepers: An Insider View

You might wonder, as I often do, how people are discovering Out of the Wilderness. Well, I’ve listed a few of the most popular search terms that dump people here:

chuck norris xs
the driftwood guy
wise guy technological pro
resourceful is my characteristic
thrifty’s pizza wood stove

For those of you using these to find my site, I apologize. I have nothing to offer you. However, if you are curious about personality types, The Bachelorette, Droid vs. iPhone, ghost encounters, deal-breakers, Boney M, mustaches, or the sleeping patterns of Lost characters, then you just might find some worthy reading material.

Lastly, a quick sidenote: if you’re looking for pictures to use as a visual aid for the word “sleep” or “sleeping,” don’t do an image search for “big fluffy pillows.” You will not find fluffy pillows there.

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 4.

So far the least dramatic of the four episodes, but evenso, two guys struck out without a rose. The award for most entertaining goes to Jonathan this episode, impressing me each time he swung his bat and hit a comedy homerun, after all didn’t he say his secret weapon was humor? With a rich arsenal of words and phrases like “dolt,” “shmuck,” “this storm crapped in my face,” and “beehive of knives,” he hit enough homeruns for both teams!Between he and Frank the Smotherer I don’t know who is more desperate. Kasey comes in a close third, his desperation revealed in the first one-on-one date of the episode. The date card clued us in that they’d be doing “what comes natural.” So I guess they’re going to breath and sleep. Maybe, if the date goes well, they’ll poop. After their helicopter takes off from the USS Intrepid, they touch down in a field and have a picnic followed by a trip to the American Museum of Natural History. Oh, that’s what natural meant. Ali doesn’t think Kasey is being genuine and tells him that. Ali throws a curveball by not giving him a rose but! also not sending him home. Steeeerrrrike! The count is no balls and one strike. As referenced in meet the bachelors, Kasey will not last long if Ali doesn’t see a dangerous side. He may be a good man, but is he a bad boy? Back at the Bachelor suite, the group date card arrives with the clue, “let’s play.” This date includes Roberto, Jesse, Craig R., Kirk, Jonathan, Frank, and Ty. They all assume it’s some sort of sports competition, but are disappointed to find out “play” meant “theater.” Another curveball! Low and inside, ball one.

The guys find Ali at a Broadway stage where they’ll be auditioning for The Lion King. The director listens to them perform on stage and has the honor of choosing which bachelor gets the next date with Ali. Roberto wins the director’s vote based on his performance. He’s a baseball player but didn’t expect another curveball when he and Ali were told they’ll also be performing in The Lion King that night. Just a bit outside, ball two! Jealousy ran rampant among the other guys, especially Jonathan who’d love to have two balls thrown at him.

Ali and Roberto rehearse for their debut on Broadway, and of course Roberto does very well, making the guys jealous, again. At the end of the night Ali is “under the weather” and I don’t mean Jonathan the weatherman. He wishes! Or does he? In not-so-dramatic fashion, Ali tells the guys there won’t be a rose given out on this group date. Kirk kindly escorts her to the suite where he helps her drift off to sleep. What a kind and gentle competitor. We haven’t seen much of Justin up to this point, and we’re going to have to wait longer because Chris L. got the next one-on-one date.

Curveball! Ali is too sick to go on the date with Chris L. but she didn’t want to let him down on his birthday, so she invited him to her suite. “Sweet,” thought Chris L. Later Ali felt better so they spent the evening out on the town. Josh(who?)a Radin performs a few songs on a rooftop for them. Chris L. gets to second base and scores a rose at the end of the date.

Adding some overhyped drama, Kasey sneaks off to begin what will be an embarrassing story he’ll tell his grandkids one day, and later Jonathan sings to a girl, an embarrassing story he’ll tell his therapist one day. Highlight of the episode goes to Chris L. when he said about Kasey’s tattoo, “So you’re gonna be the tattooed bachelorette guy for the rest of your life. That’s gonna be probably your nickname.”

In the end roses went to Chris L., Kirk, Frank the Smotherer, Craig R., Chris N., Roberto, Justin, Ty, and Kasey. Sent home were Jonathan and Jesse.

Check back next week for a recap of episode 5!

Kasey's shield and heart tattoo.