Out of the Wilderness

I didn’t know when I first saw you all that would come of our relationship. I didn’t know how any girl after you just plain missed the mark, unable to achieve the height of the bar you set. I didn’t know the road I’d take and that this road… it didn’t include you yet. You were my friend. And that was all.

Meanwhile we both tried to make other relationships work that ended without success. And our friendship grew. We laughed together, we ate together, we got mad about our jobs together. Our roads were slowly coming closer. As if we were driving in a heavily wooded forest, only noticing the trees around us and not getting glimpses of each other through the blurring forest. Had I known how this story would go, I would’ve done things differently. I may have thought a little more about the road, less about the trees I saw because they were actually hiding the whole picture. God made us for each other. That’s the masterpiece. And once we both saw what God designed was good and was here, well, there was no turning back.

And now as I stand in front of you, I want to be everything you need me to be as a husband. When you need to cry, I’ll get the tissues. When you need to laugh, I’ll try to be funny. When you just need a shoulder to rest on, I’ll wear multiple layers. When you want to be crazy, I’ll scream in public with you. If you need to wrestle, I’ll be Hacksaw Jim Duggan. If you need truth, I’ll open up the Bible. If you want to sing, I’ll be your audience. If you want to walk around, I’ll put on my shoes, too. If you’re hungry, I’ll cook dinn– I’ll go pick up some Mexican food. If you want to talk, I’ll listen. If you want to listen, I’ll talk. If you want a challenge, I’ll race you. If you feel unpretty, I’ll read poems I wrote about you. If you feel unloved, I’ll hug you and tell you I love you. If you need your space, I’ll be gone. If you need to have fun, I’ll take you to the beach. I’ll do my best to be what you need and what you want.

The problem is, I will fail.

As hard as I’ll ever try to be perfect for you, I cannot be. I will make you mad. I will annoy you. I’ll do things you don’t expect. I’ll get frustrated and have a hard time explaining why. I will never love you as much or as good as God does. But even in my failed attempts, there are two things you can count on: one, that Jesus is our life and two, I love you like the ocean. I am not perfect, but our marriage will be with the Lord’s help and blessing. I am your husband. I know you love me and I love you so much. There is nothing in your past that scares me. There’s nothing that makes me doubt your love for me. And because of that, I trust you for the rest of my life and you can trust me for the rest of yours. You’re safe with me and when you feel like you’re up against the world, know that they’ll have to go through me first. I promise to love you when it’s easy. To love you when it’s hard. To love you when you expect it, and when you don’t think you deserve it. I’m your husband. You are free to let your guard down and be yourself. You’ve proven to me that God is most important to you, and I hope I’ve proven the same. And with my commitment to God, I also commit myself to you. It will never be me versus you, but from now on it’s us versus them. And I can’t imagine ever being happier about that than I am right now. Can’t wait to take on the world with you. To live the rest of my life with you, my best friend. I love you.

And this is what I read aloud when the pastor asked for my vows.

Check back soon for Part Four.

I’ve thought about this day for a while. But not the way that most people do. Or the way she’s been thinking of it. Yes, it’s a memorable day, a once-in-a-lifetime event. It’ll be exciting and full of happiness. Some things will happen unexpectedly, but in the end, all will finish well. But all I can think of is standing in front of so many people. The public speaking class I took in college did little to calm my fear of being on stage, with other humans staring at me. That’s what concerns me most about this day. What if I trip? Am I sweating? Do I smell? Why is everyone staring at me? Is there something on my face?

Saved by the bridesmaids! Now the masses gathered in the bench church seats are looking at them and I can take a calm breath, providing some relief. I attempt to loosen my collar with no real success. Who tied this tie so tight? Can someone turn the air-conditioning down a few degrees, please? Do I have the right shoes on? Is my zipper down? And why is one my groomsmen wearing a navy blue Ann Klein dress suit?

These are all valid questions, and I hope to have answers at some point. Meanwhile, I acknowledge to myself that it is a nice dress suit, making note that the shoulder pads add a sense of definite power and authority. But why navy blue? Black would have complimented the shoulder pads better. The last of the bride’s friends takes her place.

Then I see her standing there.

As sudden as a lightning strike, all the counter-attacks I had planned for my nerves are unneccesary because it’s her. She that’s my best friend. She that calms my nerves. She that makes me smile. A rush of clean air fills my lungs, and I feel new. Didn’t expect that. A familiar feeling overtakes me, love. Gosh, I love that girl. I look down to adjust a cuff link which I know doesn’t need adjusting. I see my shoes. I can’t help but smile and wonder if this is really happening. The tuxedo I once feared would make me sweat is now the only hope I have for holding together. Can she see how excited I am that she’s about to be my wife? I wonder if she knows that I have no idea what I’m doing? I’m sure her father suspects this. I’m a bum. I’m sure her father suspects this. But there’s one thing I do know, I’m a bum in love. I’m so glad she isn’t a runaway bride. If I can just get her hand in mine, I’ll be able to keep her from running, but her dad is taking forever to get her down the aisle. I understand you’re emotional, sir, but let’s get a move on. Grandma in the front row is getting anxious about the early bird buffet special at Golden Corral.

The bagpipes conclude as this bride and her father reach the front of the aisle. Breaking the brief silence, we hear 3 bells ring. Once for the past: our lives before we knew each other, honoring how God was preparing us all along. The second bell for the present: the time we’ve spent with each other up to this point. Finding out that God indeed does have good things in store for us even right now. The third bell is for the future: the celebration of a new life together, one that we will now face as a team. The ups and downs, the twists and turns, all of it together.

The minister asks for a response from the bride’s father, who then lifts her veil, gives her a kiss on the cheek and puts her hand in mine. And here begins the ceremony of a marriage no power will ever separate. With a connection that I’ve never known before, we hold hands and I’m reminded of the first time I saw her, only a few years earlier…

Click here for Part Three.

Click here for Part One.

Silence. The pause between soft music in the background that in a few long seconds will become the soundtrack to a scene I never forget. The doors at the far end of the center aisle swing open. Suddenly there was much significance in noticing the direction the doors opened because they opened out, not in. It’s in that little detail I realized the doors were not only letting her in, they were letting something out: my mistakes, my misguided want, my aimless wandering, my missed attempts. The room I’m in cannot hold both hope and despair, happiness and dread.

When love walks in, history begins again. 

In the doorway stands proof that God loves me. She stands next to her father, who puffs his chest out just enough for people to notice how proud he is of his daughter. He suspects that she found a man that might possibly love her as much as he does, that will make her laugh, and that will serve her well. He knows very soon the time will come to give her away, that’s why her life has been flashing before his eyes all morning.

The musicians begin to play. The haunting yet rich sound of bagpipes. Yes, bagpipes. It was the groom’s only wedding day request, so everyone just accepts it. A nice lady stands up and turns to see her daughter walk towards me. In wedding tradition the crowd rises, as well. I look over my shoulder to see my brother glance back at me. We just know that this moment, this is a big moment. The only other time I remember a glance like this from him was about ten years earlier after we won an intramural softball game…

You see, earlier that same day I wrestled with how I could contribute to the team. We were in the intramural playoffs at a prestigous university where being champions of an intramural sport was a big deal. I wanted so badly to help us win. And by helping us win, I mean play in the game and do well. However, up to that point I was reserved as a substitute player, only playing in games that were already won or lost by the time I got in. So I prayed for humility then decided that if all I could do was support the team, I’d support the loudest and longest. Yes, I was fine with being an athletic supporter. But this game was different. Late in game and down by a few runs, the captain put me in at center field. Soon after the inning started, I caught a fly ball for the third out of our opponent’s at bat. In the bottom of that same inning with the score dangerously close, I was up to bat. I hit a single that got me on base. A few hits later I crossed home plate to score the winning run. While we were still celebrating the victory, I looked at my brother, the star short stop. He was smiling and he was shaking his head, such a proud look as if to say, “You see what God can do?” That was the glance.

And now here he is, my best man looking at me and smiling with his proud look, saying the same thing, “You see what God can do? She’s your win.” I would not trade that look in this moment for anything else. Nor would I trade what I see next. This unbelievable creation walking down the aisle, with her sparkling white dress, her cute smile. I know that I will never want anyone the way I want her.

Check back later for A Love Story: Part Two.