47th Annual ACM Awards: Sunday night live commentary!

10pm Good night!

959pm I like her with straight hair.

957pm Taylor Swift. Good job Tay Tay!

957pm Lionel Richie comes out to present Entertainer of the Year. And the award goes to…

954pm commercials…

953pm He jokes about his “real shocked face” and looks at Taylor. Got her!

952pm The award goes to Blake Shelton. He better thank “The Voice”!

951pm Taylor Swift comes out to present Male Vocalist of the Year. I love when Taylor has straight hair.

950pm Personally I wouldn’t mind if this show ended, 3 hours is just way too long!

947pm Oh, first Luke Bryan performs his unsettling song “I Don’t Want This Night To End.” Something about it makes me want to change the channel. Not sure if it’s the words, music, the dancing, or D all of the above. else.

941pm Coming up, Male Vocalist of the Year and Entertainer of the Year.

940pm or was it Blake Shelton’s ex-wife?

939pm or was it Kenny Chesney that busted through the door and said that?

938pm Minister asks if anyone wants to object, speak now or forever hold their peace… Randy Travis busts through the door and says, “Don’t do it!” Kidding.

938pm They have a unity candle. Besides rings, that’s gotta be the most common wedding tradition.

937pm Although I do like this song, even if The Bachelor kinda ruined it for a few months.

936pm This feels weird. I can’t tell if this is sweet, or very odd.

935pm The ceremony starts featuring the song “Marry Me” by Train and Martina McBride.

934pm The wedding story unfolds…

926pm After the break, a wedding ceremony. This ought to be interesting.

924pm Dierks Bentley is a cool guy. He’s got 2 dogs, so that makes him even cooler.

923pm Bono from U2 says America is not just a place, it’s an idea. Then he introduces Dierks Bentley performing the patriotic “Home.”

922pm For anyone who doesn’t get the hype of the Zac Brown Band, how do you think that performance was?

920pm Brad Paisley joins them on stage and shreds the guitar.

918pm Zac Brown perform a fun upbeat song called “Whiskey’s Gone.” I love these guys!

917pm What I wrote at 830pm (below) didn’t actually happen.

914pm Blake Shelton introduces Miranda Lambert, performing her latest hit “Over You.” The song is good, and I’ll add that the music video is hauntingly awesome.

912pm Anyone remember the movie “Dangerous Minds”? I like that movie.

910pm I think I want to see Titanic in 3D Wednesday, if for no other reason than to see Jack shaking in the freezing cold water, in 3D-D-D-D-D-D! That’s my teeth chattering in the cold water.

908pm (central) Miranda Lambert wins Female Vocalist of the Year.

9pm Cheerios. As in, that’s what I’m eating. Be back soon.

856pm Guess what, more commercials, but did I just hear them say they’re going to show a real wedding after the break? That’s a first.

855pm If you’re watching the ACM’s, chances are you are fully aware how country you are, but if you are still denying your country roots, check here to see if you are more country than you think.

852pm Sara Evans sings her latest release, a remake of “My Heart Can’t Tell You No.”

851pm Marc Anthony takes the stage? He introduces Sara Evans.

850pm Looks like everyone on the crowd has a red solo cup and you know who is so happy about this whole performance? The Solo brand. They may even send Toby a gold Solo cup.

849pm Carrot Top shows up and the crowd laughs along.

847pm Toby Keith performs “Red Solo Cup” if you can call singing that song a performance. He also just said testicles on national TV with no edit.

846pm Gary LeVox (lead singer of Rascal Flatts) asks if they can here the banjo in the back. “Yes! But we can’t see you. We’re too far back!”

845pm I like Rascal Flatts. Funny guys and they seem to have good hearts/compassion for people.

843pm Rascal Flatts performs their new song “Banjo” featuring Steve Martin (yes, that Steve Martin) on the banjo. I like this song, but I thought it was meant more for a group like Little Big Town.

842pm Standing Ovation. Taylor warms up her Oh-my-gosh face. Other people clapping.

842pm Blake and Reba take the stage again and reflect on the life of Earl Scruggs who died earlier this week.

841pm One day I’m going to invent something where we can record TV programs then fast forward through the commercials.

838pm Another tease that Bono is coming up. Nothing screams country like an Irish rock star.

837pm Scotty thanks a long list of folks, never even mentioning Josh Turner, the guy who’s voice he stole.

836pm Alright I’m back. The Kimberly Perry Band presents new artist of the year award, going to Scotty McCreery.

835pm I have a hypothesis: the word redneck will always be popular in country music.

833pm You know what’s delicious? Seafood. Baked fish filets from the Gulf of Mexico = better than your dinner I bet!

830pm Mickey Mouse rushed the stage and tackled Carrie Underwood. Crazy, right?

826pm Time for dinner. Take a break and I’ll be back in a short while. What will happen while I’m gone: more jokes, random guest presenters that probably have never listened to country music, and a random performance from an artist who’s got a new album or single coming out. Yes, I’m talking about Scotty McCreery.

825pm commercial break.

825pm Can’t figure out this band out, they sing this song and a song about being taking things slow (“Just A Kiss”) but they also have a song “Lookin’ For A Good Time” about a one night stand. Hashtag confusion. Hashtag make up your mind.

822pm Lady Antebellum perform “Dancin’ Away With My Heart.”

821pm Blake and Reba (who are hosting) come up with a few more jokes, this time including Lindsay Lohan. Blake Shelton admits he screwed up the JetBlue joke but it was still funny.

820pm Jason and Kelly come up to accept the award. Kelly is looking fab.

819pm the award goes to Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson for “Don’t You Wanna Stay.”

819pm Jake Owen and a pencil present Singe Record of the Year.

817pm I really want to eat pizza right now. If you wanna send one over, message me and I’ll send you my address.

816pm You can still vote for Entertainer of the Year: here

812pm Commercial break and the announcer is extremely intent on pronouncing every single syllable. His elementary teachers would be so proud.

811pm One could argue that Von Dutch hasn’t come around the first time yet.

811pm Or has it been so long that Von Dutch is coming back around?

810pm Evidently it’s 2003 because he’s got a Von Dutch hat on.

810pm Eric Church is wearing his signature baseball cap and aviator glasses.

809pm One of my favorites, Eric Church, takes the stage back at the MGM. He performs “Springsteen.” Guess what that songs about! Elvis.

808pm Looks like Brantley’s got some new tattoos.

807pm The Award show is at the MGM in Vegas, but they toss to the Mandalay Bay were newcomer Brantley Gilbert takes the stage to sing “Country Must Be Country Wide.”

806pm They thank the fans and the families. Charles Kelley says, “Look Mom! KISS!”

806pm None of the members of Lady Antebellum actually kissed KISS. Well played.

805pm Award goes to Lady Antebellum.

803pm If you just got in from the dog park, tune to CBS now, the ACM Awards are still going! Music legends KISS take the stage. These guys are so old slash not relevant. They’re presenting vocal group of the year…

801pm The music video for this song was filmed at the same location as his song “Tattoos On This Town”… an airport just outside of Nashville.

8pm Jason Aldean performs “Fly Over States.”

759pm Blake Shelton wins the crowd over with a joke or two, then Reba introduces Jason Aldean.

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Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 2.

Welcome back! Episode 2 of The Bachelorette was full of drama, laughter, smiles, some kissing, and oh yeah, a downpour of corny weather jokes. Ali is obviously the star of the show, but this episode featured a subplot: the mounting surge of dislike between Jonathan the Weatherman and Craig M. from Canada. After watching the episode back, Jonathan spoke more of Craig M. than he did of Ali! Even during the one-on-one time with Ali, the conversation revolved around Craig M. Sidenote #1: You don’t win a girl’s heart by talking about other guys. It’s like going to a job interview and talking about someone else’s resume. Or better yet, talking about someone else’s cloud cover, if you know what I mean! Get it? Get it??? Ok, moving on. In this episode we saw Ali go on one group date and two individual dates. She had a rose for each date, so three guys could get a rose before the final ceremony, in which three are also getting eliminated. First date card goes to Clark Kent, I mean Frank. I don’t know how, but he’s already head over heels for Ali. That should worry you. He’s already said he feels like they’re a couple, even calling her his girlfriend. He may be good, but too much of a good thing is bad and I can see him smothering her to death. His over-the-top and lightning-quick commitment to her is the perfect set up for a meltdown. Even the big fins on the 1959 Cadillac they rode in won’t save Frank from himself. And hey, those were big fins! Frank is involved in too many adventures to be committed to one. Highlight of their one-on-one date:
They drink wine on the hood of the car. Ali teases Frank with the rose.
They eat cupcakes.

Lots of drama at the house in this episode. Craig R. is still suspect of Justin’s intentions and calls him out on it. The date card arrives. A couple of Craigs, Chris’, and a few others head to the beach for a photo shoot with photographer Michael Grecco. Chris Harrison explained the reason for the photo shoot: a calendar! Proceeds of the calendar sales go to an unnamed charity. Sidenote #2: Christmas shopping, done.

The guys were happy to be with Ali at the beach, but the winner on this date was Kirk for quoting a line from Dumb & Dumber. Nice move. After a randomly placed tug-of-war clip, Ty had photos taken while he sang to Ali. None of the other guys liked this, of course. Later Ty revealed that he’s been married and divorced. If big surprised eyes mean anything, then Ali’s either disappointed, or thinking about the next hit country song. Jonathan also gets some one-on-one time and calls Craig M. dangerous for Ali. Cue Ali’s big surprised eyes. Either she’s shocked by the news, or she came up with a third verse for Ty’s hit country song. She finds Ty and gives him a rose.

A new date card arrives at the house. A few corny weather-related jokes later, Jesse is named as the invitee. This guy is emerging as a match for Ali. On the outside, he’s a tattooed tough guy, but Ali sees more. A soft-hearted, good-natured man. He was nervous on their date, but by the end, some walls came down and they connected. Her gamble paid off on their date in Vegas, Jesse got a rose.

Before the final rose ceremony, Chris L. told Ali about his family. He’s got two brothers and talked very highly of them and the rest of his family. He’s emerging as a strong family-oriented guy. He hasn’t revealed yet that his mom died recently. He comments about his family: “they are who I am.” I’m trusting him and his teeth a little more now. Roberto spends some time with Ali, assures her he’s doing fine even without seeing her much in the past week. She’s giddy over him. He tells her about his baseball past. He gets a couple of gloves and they toss the ball. To accept baseball is to accept Roberto. There’s a good connection between those two. Later, Kasey’s time with Ali was interrupted by Clark—I mean, Frank the Smotherer and in one-on-one time with Craig M., Ali calls him out on his intentions. His disoriented jumbled responses did him no good. Cut to a shot of Jonathan standing in the shadows as Craig M. walks by. Storms-a-brewin’. Both of these guys are forgetting the reason they are there, however, Jonathan wins the battle by getting the last rose in the ceremony.

Here’s how the roses were dealt:
Frank (from the one-on-one date)
Ty (from the group date)
Jesse (from the one-one date)
Kasey
Hunter
Roberto
Chris L.
Justin
Steve
Kirk
John C.
Craig R.
Chris N.
Jonathan

Elimated were Craig M., Tyler V., and Chris H.

Check back next week for a recap of episode 3!

(click here for Episode 1 recap)

 

Why Does X Go First?

Does anyone know why X always goes before O in Tic Tac Toe? Here are a few theories, in order of those with most public support…

Conan O’Brien recently marked his next target, George Lopez, by putting an X on his back!

because X is the Xavior of the alphabet.

because O doesn’t mark the spot.

hugs always come before kisses (xoxo).

because O is never associate with a good reaction… “Oh geez!” “Oh gosh!” “Oh no!” “Oh boy.” “Oh wow, that smells.” “Oh well.” “Uh oh.”

because the Executive Officer (XO) made the strategy “X first” mandatory, with approval from the CO, of course.

because of the previous administration’s goal: “no X left behind”.

the Big Bang Theory banged an X first.

the O’s are well-known for hiding behind the X’s when Chuck Norris is looking at them.

Never “O first,” it just makes an ox out of you and me.

X’s love attention. Just look how many divorced couples always talk about the X!

O’s were first until the landmark case of X vs. Tinklefern, 1963.

O is the home team, so X’s bat first.

The O is always opening the door, sending flowers, sending sweet texts, and letting X go through the buffet line first. Such a gentleman!

and without checking wikipedia, any idea why a tie is called a “cat’s game”?

Will You Accept This Prose?

If dating were only as easy as The Bachelor makes it seem! The show is more of a scientific experiment than it is a true attempt at finding love. That’s why when you include the unknown variable, the X factor called “life,” the experiment most often blows up.

Jake Pavelka

If you can prove the success rate of that show is higher than the number of Yanni discs you have in your collection, then I will be a little more optimystique (optimism + still a little confused on where they mysteriously find the contestants for The Bachelor). Until then, I will have the sincerest devotion to the old-fashioned romantic moments I hear about when my parents or grandparents tell me how their stories began.

In my time, though, dating is a little different from theirs. Only slightly different because although the form or fashion in which relationships happen has changed dramatically (with the onslaught of social sites on the internet, ability to travel great distances quickly, revolution in sound technology, and, oh yeah, the internet!), the fundamentals of solid dating relationships remain the same: communication, common interests, mutual friends, keys to imagination and similar world views. The Bachelor includes one, maybe two of these fundamentals, and therefore, is starting behind the eight ball from the very beginning. The reason the success rate’s extremely low is because the relationships are formed in a controlled environment, just like an experiment. Once the show is over and the elements are introduced into the “real world,” the variables can no longer be controlled. Variables like career goals, family, location, ethnicity, and many more. To further my argument that dating is much harder than The Bachelor reveals, I give you… exhibit A: High School Ben Wilder.

My dating life got off to a slow start and to be perfectly honest, my first real kiss was in 10th grade. If I could tell you that secret with little to no embarrassment, then I’ve made progress in the 15 years gone by since. I often refer to my high school love life as “the private years” but again, to be perfectly honest, shrouding those years in privacy makes my love life sound so much more mysterious and exciting than it actually was. Tracy the softball player*. That’s who I kissed. Out of silence my love life burst into song!

Whether we were listening to “Sukiyaki” by 4 P.M. or the best of Yanni at the time, I can’t say. I was just happy it happened. A quick encouragement to readers patiently awaiting their first kiss: Hang in there and dare to dream!

To sum up, I hope these personal reflections of passion (I wouldn’t call my example of dating passionate, actually) help to prove the point that in dating, as in real life, sometimes you got to learn the hard way, not the live-on-television way. And yes I’m talking to you, too, Jake Pavelka. Vienna? Really? Reconsider Sheila Lidner (or return to suprise Ali Fedotowsky this season) before you tell Vienna, in one of your best Yanni voices, “niki nana.” However, if you end up marrying Vienna I’ll make a toast in celebration of life… and I’ll look up and whistle while I’m walking.

*I refer to Tracy’s love life in high school as “the chameleon days,” because I later found out she is now a lesbian. Hope it wasn’t because of me!