If My Day Were A Song

A few weeks ago, I was having one of those mornings where just about everything that could domino effect in the wrong direction, did.

The day started off quite normal: wake up, let the dog out, prepare breakfast, let the dog in, feed the dog, eat breakfast. It was a day much like many others until it came time to leave for work. There was a curious and yet, blazingly-clear red flag that I didn’t catch until it was too late: on my way outside to corral the beagle, the back door was not closed all the way.

I didn’t think much of it as I pulled it open, then shut it behind me on the way out to the back yard. I should have thought much of it, because if I had, I would’ve remembered my habit of locking the door knob lock every time I enter the house. Since the door was already slightly open, I didn’t think to check the door knob lock on the way out. The beagle and I returned and were locked out. I gasped. And I was going to be on time to work! Drat.

WWARD. What would a robber do? The task of breaking into my house proved to be rather difficult at first. As seen on tv and in movies, I tried a credit card. No luck. Most of the windows in the house were shut and locked so there were only three with any chance of an opportunity. My bathroom window seemed the most logical to start with because I knew I’d left it cracked. Only thing, it’s about 10 feet from the ground. Without going into detail about how, I eventually got back inside the house. Good thing the alarm was not set inside the house!

If my day went normally from there, I would have been thrilled. And it was normal until I merged onto the interstate. In the mayhem of breaking back into my house, I took my watch off and set it on top of my car. Sigh.

Rest in peace, calculator watch. I’m going to miss you!

Pet Peeves 2

A few more of my current pet peeves.

8. Olive Garden commercials.

9. Songs about songs (exceptions: Listen to the Music/Doobie Brothers, Party in the USA/Miley Cyrus). In the example below, Kid Rock is basically telling us not to listen to his song, but listen to “Sweet Home Alabama” or other rock and roll music.

10. The following buzzwords: bully, trending, and hun (as used in girl-to-girl conversations… “Hey, hun!” or “Thanks, hun!”)

Spongebob and Flats the bully

11. Furniture Warehouse commercials in Nashville, TN

12. Pens that don’t allow a smooth flow of ink. Being left-handed, I push the pen accross the page and need a smooth flow of ink.

  
13. Any statements that end with, “That is all.”


14. Unity candle in a wedding. After the candle is lit, the audience has to wait three more minutes for the song to finish while staring awkwardly at the bride and groom who are whispering and giggling.

Volume 4: Sharing Problems with Dog

Everything I learned about solving problems, I learned from my dog. Take a look at how the puppy in this video follows a simple step by step process on solving problems.


There’s a simple formula clearly demonstrated in the video. In order to grasp how the beagle handled the above scenario, it’s necessary to break it down step by step.

1. You may not know when a problem is about to show up, so until it does, have fun.

2. When the problem approaches, don’t overreact. Calmly assess the situation.

3. Once you’re aware of the elements involved in the problem, approach cautiously.

4. Stare.

5. After staring for a significant amount of time, slowly approach the problem while staring.

6. At the most opportune time, attack the problem or retreat from it.

After further analysis, it appears most of this fits best with physical and/or visible problems, ie. bullies, bigger dogs, some cats. However, for problems that are internal, spiritual, relational, and/or mental, I would not recommend this process. Seek help elsewhere.

This is volume 4 of a series titled, “I Own You. I Own You. A Look Into Who Owns Who, the Master and Puppy.” Check back often for the next in this ongoing series!

Volume 1

Volume 2

Volume 3

Pet Peeves

A few of my current pet peeves.

1. Long receipts. So much information that I’ll never read. Check out your neighborhood Wal-Mart and you may notice the same thing I noticed. I recently went there to buy dog food when PetSmart was closed. I bought one thing, dog food. My receipt was 11.75 inches long! (yes I measured)

2. The recurring “must restart computer message”… every 5 minutes. Is it so important to restart my computer and install updates that I should drop everything I’m doing or be reminded to do so 96 times in a day (5 times per hour for 8 hours)? I don’t want to restart my computer right now. Ask me again at 6pm. This is almost as annoying as getting emails that tell me my mailbox is almost full.
3. Emails that tell me my mailbox is almost full. Well, if they’d stop sending me emails about it, my mailbox wouldn’t be so full!
4. Christian Copycat. This next one has been on my list for a long time. Nothing is more uncreative, nothing is more cheesy than copycat marketing. Christian apparel does this religously. Hehe, get it?
5. “In Memory Of” car stickers. I’m not trying to offend anyone with this pet peeve of mine. I’m in total support of honoring those that have died, certainly people that were close, whether family or friends. But what exactly is in memory of the person? The way you drive? Your car? Your rear window?
6. CBS Channel 5 in Nashville. I have Comcast cable and CBS comes in snowy. Maybe the pet peeve is that I have Comcast cable.
7. Fist bumps. Ok, I’ll admit it was cool back in the early 2000s, but here’s the rule to go by: when ESPN anchors do it, it’s no longer cool.

If You’re A Broke Alcoholic

“Money will make you more of who you are. If you’re a broke alcoholic, you’ll be a rich alcoholic. I had a $15,000 bed but couldn’t get any sleep. I had 10 cars but wasn’t going anywhere.”

To have a list of “favorite quotes” is fairly common. If you need proof, sign up for any social network-type site and you’ll soon find all the sites have a section for this type of list. A quick search for “book of quotes” on Amazon.com returned 7,622 results. Why are quotes famous? Why are simple statements from random sources popular?

1. Because someone has stated an observation or feeling that we’ve observed or felt, too, but couldn’t find the accurate words to express.

2. We want to be inspired. We want to laugh. We want to know that we’re not alone in our feelings of happiness, joy, anger, curiousity, or hunger for life’s meaning.

So we cling to the quotes we relate to, the ones we wished we thought of ourselves. Quotes that draw their arms around us as if to say, “It’s ok to feel this way.” Quotes like the one listed above are hard to hear, though. It’s quite counter-cultural to say anything about money not satisfying. Especially when the person who said it was one of the most prolific football players in recent history. After chasing the things success brought him, Deion Sanders realized it was all meaningless in the end. I wonder if he was reading the Bible at all…Ecclesiastes, maybe?

“Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.”

The very next chapter of Ecclesiastes includes text that has been used in music and movies for decades. The Byrds made this song famous:

Samuel L. Jackson, Matthew McConaughey, Kevin Spacey and Sandra Bullock starred in this feature film:

I challenge you to search around and find quotes you can relate to. Find something that inspires you and hold tight to it. Memorize the words and recall them when no other words can quite grasp what you’re experiencing. And for a second challenge, come up with your own quotes. You’re an original and every generation needs someone who’s not afraid to speak their mind and pour out the emotions in their heart. One day, many years from now, you may be the person other people are quoting.

“He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land. And I’m happy, tonight. I’m not worried about anything. I’m not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.”

The very next day, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. saw more than just the Lord’s glory, he saw the Lord himself.

“He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.” (C.S. Lewis)