Out of the Wilderness

Volume 1: Sharing A House With Dog.

This morning I woke up to a dog staring at me. Or maybe I woke up because a dog was staring at me, and happily whimpering. My first thought was, “What?” but not a “How can I help you?” what. It was a “Is this really happening?” what. I quickly concluded that I must’ve accidently left the crate door open when I went to bed. My dog’s been trained to sleep in a crate all night but there’s been no training on crate etiquette. Clearly that’s next on the list. Item 1: when the crate door is halfway open, you must pretend it’s closed and locked. Item 2: when it’s dark and nobody’s around, that must mean it’s night time and you should stay in the crate. Item 3: If it’s dark and the crate door is halfway open, swivel your head around to make sure Daddy’s not laying on the floor nearby. If he is, follow the steps in the “Is Daddy Taking A Well-Deserved Nap? (A Handbook for Puppies)” handbook. I’ll list those steps in a later post. The handbook also clearly states that anything happening before 7am is considered “the night before,” so waking up at 6am does not mean the morning is starting. It means the night is still going. This whole 6am thing better be a fad that she grows out of. Maybe when she gets to doggy-junior-high-school-age (human years: 2) she’ll avoid me because I’m “not cool” or I “wear socks with my flip flops” or I make her wear a “leash” in front of her friends. Then maybe she won’t be so eager to wake me up a few hours after yesterday ended.

So I climbed out of bed and checked the clock. 6am. At this hour of the night, the only solace I can cling to is two episodes of Boy Meets World on ABC Family. Until I found out they’re airing the younger episodes. Sigh. Now what? My dog’s already had her breakfast. It’s 605am. Just then I remember I’ve got a fenced-in back yard! There, my little morning pepper can roam around and sniff to her heart’s content. Meanwhile, I can check to see if Saved By the Bell is on yet. Drat, it’s on at 7am. It’s probably the younger episodes, anyway, the ones with Miss Bliss. Once I was fully awake and/or functional, I plugged in the computer and worked on a few computery-type projects. Later Piper came back inside. We played. I fixed lunch. Piper went back into her crate. I drove to work, already sleepy from being woken up the night before, ie. 6am.

This is volume 1 of a series titled, “I Own You. I Own You. A Look Into Who Owns Who, the Master and Puppy.” Check back often for the next in this ongoing series!

click here for the next posting, Volume 2: Sharing A Car With Dog.

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 11. Roberto vs. Chris L.

This episode comes to us from “everybody goes here on their 6th date” Bora Bora. All I can do is extend a hearty congratulations to Roberto for earning the very first rose, and now the last. It’s been dramatic, embarrassing, funny, thrilling, scary, and that was just the Jake/Vienna confrontation episode. Good luck to Roberto and Ali.

My advice to Roberto:
Stay humble and be a good man.

My advice to Chris L.:
Move on, brother. You’ll be fine without her.

My advice to Ali:
Stop going to the tanning bed as soon as and/or before your body is darker than your face. That goes for men and women everywhere. I’m just saying.

In the words of my junior high yearbook signature, it’s been real. It’s been fun. But it hasn’t been real fun.

Ben.

P.S. the best commercial out right now is Geico asking how much a bird in the hand is worth. They show Antique Roadshow and the expert is pricing how much a bird in a statue hand is worth. He concludes that it’s worth two in the bush. Great commercial.

Spending vs. Saving: What To Do About Money

“Spenders are proud of how much they spend, savers are proud of how much they save, but neither are happy. Spenders are never satisfied and savers are never comfortable.”

I can admit now that when I was in college, I wasn’tt frugal. I was cheap! If there was a way to save rather than spend, I did it. I rode my bicycle to class. I ate boxed dinners. I wore clothes from thrift stores. On road trips, I voted for someone else to drive. Or if I drove, I didn’t use the air-conditioning. Many times I shrugged it off as being frugal or wise with my money, but that wasn’t the truth. I was stingy and cheap. I was proud of my self-deprivation.

“Do not eat the food of a stingy man, do not crave his delicacies; for he is the kind of man who is always thinking about the cost. ‘Eat and drink,’ he says to you, but his heart is not with you.”

After college, like most graduates, I entered the American workforce. You’d think earning more money would help me loosen up and spend more liberally. Not surprisingly, though, I still gravitated towards saving. Constantly thinking about how much something costs, where I can save a few cents, and how much money is in the bank was exhausting. I believed spending money was the root of all evil, but what I didn’t know, or didn’t understand, was that hoarding it is just as taxing on the mind, body, and soul. What I needed all along was not more money, but simplification. That didn’t come until I was around 28 years old. My lifestyle, as simple as it was already, needed to change. More specifically, my perspective needed an overhaul. As a saver, I was just as wrong as a person who spent their way into major financial debt. The quote above is true, saving or spending won’t make you happy. There needs to be a balance between the two. If you live strictly on one side or the other, you will either never be satisfied and therefore keep buying things to make you happy, or you will deprive yourself of anything good and comfort will not be an experience you ever have.

This is still a learning experience for me. I am very good at being frugal, and I’m becoming better at spending. The best way to leave it for now is to think of everything as luxury. We can live without air-conditioning, we can live without a car. But if you have air-conditioning and a car, enjoy them both as a luxurious blessing.

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 10. The Next Bachelor Revealed?

Last night’s episode, “The Men Tell All” “Welcome The Next Bachelor: Kirk DeWindt.” Despite rumors that he’s dating Jessie Sulidis (yes, the former Jake-season contestant that outed Justin Rego), Kirk will be the next Bachelor. Please note that I haven’t read any spoilers, this is all based on my instinct and cold, hard evidence. I’ll explain now.

The show kicked off with a heart-to-heart between Chris Harrison and Ali. The discussion focused on Justin, Kasey, Kirk, Roberto and Frank. No need to explain that Justin and Kasey aren’t options for next season. And Nicole won’t let Frank leave. Roberto’s going to win (that’s my educated non-spoiler reading guess) , so next year’s Bachelor must be Kirk. Remember how they clumsily set Ali up at the end of the Jake season? Kirk is the new Ali just like “the paid off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice.” Thank you, Dave Ramsey, for that not-totally-unrelated quote that just popped into my head.

Chris Harrison then introduced us to the bachelors who showed up for “Welcome The Next Bachelor: Kirk DeWindt,” who the heck is Kyle? My guess is he’ll be next season’s “surprise guest” that shows up to reveal startling information to Kirk, who will cry a little and say something like, “I didn’t know it was going to be this hard.” After all the introductions, the guys took turns ragging on Kasey, ripping Justin apart, and half-way defending Frank. Cut to highlights of Ali with Kasey: the awkward moments, the singing, oh wait, those are the same thing. Now here you may think, “They haven’t shown Kirk much. Is he really going to be the next Bachelor?” Yes, he is. If you missed it, here are all the words used to describe Kirk on this episode.

Sincere, great chemistry, major moment, sweetness, a lot of the qualities I’m looking for, feel safe, feel appreciated and comfortable around him, love, upbeat, positive, something missing, Kirky, think the world of you, never had heart broken before, bruised heart, inspiring, bed ridden, healthy.

Ok, some of those are taken out of context, but you’re picking up what I’m laying down, right? Kirk is next in line and if you need more proof, let’s move on through the rest of the show. Guess what’s next, more talk about Justin. However, Kirk emerges as a comedian during this segment. The crowd (of girls) applaudes vivaciously. After the break, more talk about Justin. Wow, for someone no one likes, they sure are spending a lot of time talking about him. Wait, this is about ratings. Oh, yeah. Villains have high ratings. So guess what? Let’s talk about Justin some more. More about Justin leaving messages on a social networking site. Justin and Canada. Who’s Kimberly? Jessica is the main girlfriend, Kimberly is the new one. Jessica isn’t allowed to have a Facebook account. Kimberly left wall posts on Justin’s page. Jessica signs back on and messages Kimberly. Text messages, wall posts, more than just voicemails. Valentines with Kimberly. Walks to Jessica’s. Wobbles over. Two girlfriends. Trying for a third. Justin from Toronto has a girlfriend, pictures to prove it. Phone call to Ali. Whew, I’m exhausted. Next the audience got a chance to ask questions. A girl hits on Craig R. who doesn’t understand that’s what just happened. He agrees to wrestle Justin in an olive oil ring and doesn’t understand a girl just hit on him. She sits down.

Ali comes out and runs back through the season, the ups and downs, and how she feels about Justin. Ok, producers, we get it, you want ratings. At one critical point, Ali said it was hard to say goodbye to people she really cared about and they cut to a shot of Kirk smiling. Chris Harrison gives Kirk a chance to speak to Ali, he says he’s ready to find somebody to spend the rest of his life with. Come on, people! Isn’t it obvious? And is it just me or is Ali’s upper lip getting smaller?

Kasey sings a song, we see some bloopers, here it goes: dancing guys, Ali laughing, Kirk landing on stiff bed, Roberto’s crotch, Ali says idealacise, wants to do it with Roberto, dog barking, Ty barking, mom jokes, Ali as Legolas, mouse, beeps. Then highlights of the two remaining bachelors, Roberto and Chris L.

Check back next week to read my recap of Roberto proposing to Ali in episode 11!

Click here for Chris L. tattoo pictures!

Personalities: The Database

Extremely helpful a few years ago during tapings of “Who Wants To Be A Millionnaire?,” The Database would top the phone-a-friend list. Anything from car maintenance, to Presidential history, to the latest celebrity divorce, this person is a Captain of IMDb on steriods. If they had a slogan, it would be this: “The Database: They Know Much About Much.” Having the ability to retain large quantities of information in a way that’s easily accessible is a rare asset. Much like athletes with some talent can be coached and trained to be better athletes, people can learn skills to make them better at memorization, therefore becoming a better “Database.” But just like the best athletes are born that way, Databases were born with a nack for knowledge. Take this girl I know… she’s in her early thirties and seems to know about everything that crosses her path. Either because it’s crossed her path before or she’s learned from other peoples paths that were crossed. She is very good at her job because of this. People of all ages come to her because they’re confident she’ll know the answer to whatever inquiry they have. To earn this reputation can be invaluable in a career, that’s for sure. Socially, The Database’s ability to retain information could come in handy (ie. phone-a-friend), but plays a relatively low factor in the ability to make friends and/or keep them. It’s possible for The Database to take on qualities of other personality types (listed below), however, sharing traits of The Dark Horse or The Satellite could spell disaster and/or doom.

Where you’ll see this person in American society? On Jeopardy. Not on Wheel of Fortune (where you’ll find the Indiana Jones’ and The Party’s).

Here is a list of personalities. The next time you’re hanging out with your friends, sit back and observe. I bet there are a few of these in your group!

“The Weird Guy”

“Indiana Jones of the South(west Airlines)”

“The Party”

“Captains of IMDb”

“Justin Texterlake”